my home, my heart...

At Home

(Caryll Houselander)

~"We all know persons who are exaggeratedly house-proud, who concentrate on the neatness, cleanliness, beauty of their house, to the exclusion of its comfort. Their house is not a home, nothing must ever be left about, out of place. To come in with muddy shoes is a crime; it is a crime to disarrange the cushions. In such a house one can neither work nor rest; one is never at home, 

because it is not a home.

~There are many people who are 'soul-proud' in the same way. They spend their whole time cleaning up their soul, turning out the rubbish, dusting and polishing. Like the house-proud person, they become nervous, tired. There is nothing left in them to give, for they have wasted themselves on the silver, the curtains, the ornaments.

Christ wants to be at home in your soul. He will not go away and leave you if the house is chilly and uncomfortable; He loves you too much to leave you, but how often, how tragically often, He must say nowadays: 'The Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'

~Christ asks for a home in your soul, where He can be at rest with you, where He can talk easily to you, where you and He, alone together, can laugh and be silent and be delighted with one another.

All this may seem daring, but it is true;
it is the meaning of the Incarnation."

(This excerpt is offered in a book called A Child in Winter, writings by Caryll Houselander collected by Thomas Hoffman.)

i think maybe it's meant to be that i understand the subject of the Incarnation a little better this year. For someone who's been in church all of my life, i'm a bit amazed at how little i seem to understand it...i don't feel like a very good learner. but....
the Word Made Flesh...how can we really understand such a mystery?

a couple of days ago, i received this Houselander selection in my email. i cannot completely say how very much it speaks to me...this year...this week (with all it's decorating and Christmas busyness)....with all that is happening in my life...and as i observe so many troubling patterns. My heart is weary of self-luxurious, performing religion....of hearts turned inward rather than turned fully toward the Lord. I am tired of myself, even! Lord, preserve me from soul-pride!! protect me in a season, from a culture of "show"..... i realize how very much i need to live focused on being "at home" with Jesus.... 

Yesterday, my pastor spoke on the Incarnation...of the God who makes it possible for us to recover our losses...always loving, always redeeming, always restoring...
how amazing that this healing Savior comes into the weakness of who i am....and gives Himself so that i can completely be who He created me to be.

(and i saw this article in CT: such good insights...)

i'm overwhelmed that God came to dwell with man...
i'm anxious for His present reality in my heart, in my home....

i'm grateful for His peace....

"Peace on earth

I don't ever remember it

But I know peace

I have it here

In my home

Tonight.

Thanks."

(GLORIA GAITHER, 12/24/69)

"Open My Hands"

"I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I've seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of His faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of His faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head in an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of His faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head in an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me"
(by Sara Groves and Alli Rogers)


On this little blog, i have attempted now and then to flesh out some of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs about coping with struggles...the places where  faith and life meet...
Places that sometimes don't make a whole lot of sense. 
I don't feel like i have any more "answers" these days than i've ever had....
I know that I cringe at the many cliches thrown around...(some of the more popular books, songs related to these issues just. do. absolutely. nothing. for. me. Sorry!!)
But: i do know that in my heart...all is well.
All is not perfect, all is not as i thought it would be.
but All is Well.
this new song on Sara Groves' "Invisible Kingdoms" says what my soul is singing. i could write long, rambling paragraphs and never say it as clearly:)
it is a blessing to me...
in this Thanksgiving season, i am feeling very grateful for grace that is enabling me to hold onto life more loosely...
to see myself (& my need for His mercy) more clearly...
to look to Jesus for healing...
to know security in His love and goodness.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in You." Psalm 84:10-12

Gentleness...

i am learning lessons in gentleness...

(the learning is not always perfect!)

my mind sometimes runs in circles

i'm fast, efficient! (she "proudly" claims!)

 (lots to be done, and i'm the designated driver 

much of the time)

these qualities do not lend themselves to gentleness...

and it is no secret that i value strong thinking;

freedom of ideas and equality of expression 

are extremely important concepts to me

there is (i'll say) Care missing in my life...

(there can be a relationship between what we're receiving 

and how much we're able to give, i think...)

but there is overwhelming Grace in my life, too,

and Grace makes our resources for giving more than 

we could even imagine in our own strength

i owe it to myself and to the people i love 

to show gentleness...

to do the things i do with kindness; 

not just because they need to be done...

i resolve to  call out the better, deeper parts of myself...

to be gracious, giving...gentle.

"Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in."

(1 Peter 3:4 Msg.)

my fall mantel

"Autumn was here...

the air was full of it's muted music."

(L. M. Montgomery)

i love Autumn...Fall...whatever it's called! i like putting up a few decorations every year, but i've never done much to the mantel. Actually, i'm not too much of a decorator...i like simple, easy, & cheap:) but (last week) i did something i rarely do...i looked at a few decorating blogs. My goodness-gracious, there are scads and scads of them out there!! truly overwhelming for my small (uncreative) mind! and a bit dangerous! Cause looking got me in the mood for doing! (there's a principle in there somewhere, my friends!) 

so....here are the results...

i'm very pleased with how it turned out... 

(an aside : taking pictures of a mantel is easier said than done...

it's tricky, let me tell you!)

(aside #2 : i spent <$25 total for this effort)

~ i bought the fall garland off of Etsy...when i saw it, i fell in love! it was very affordable...and the nice lady at This Cozy Life even made it precisely to my measurements and sent it right off. She made it of crocheted yarn and added mulberry paper leaves every so often : beautiful! While i waited for it to arrive, i panicked that it wouldn't work out...but it fits perfectly! my Mom and i both love it and are enjoying it so much!

~ since i'm lazy, i never like moving my pottery off of the mantel....so i knew it needed to stay. i really love how all the colors work together...i basically just used stuff from other rooms to get "the look" i wanted.

~ do you need reminders of how you should think? i do! and i need encouragement! so i used my framed "Love" picture. my cousin Rhonda bought me the little glass plaque in Italy....it's one of my favorite things and i think the colors work so well.

~ and i printed out some song lyrics that fit with this season of Thankfulness (that project took a lot more effort than one would think....i never did really achieve what i wanted, but i like it fine.) Found the frame at Goodwill:) and the pewter dish was given to me by college friends...good memories.

~ i have a thing for decorating with wheat in autumn....
always makes me think of the verse "Except a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it abides alone: but if it dies, it brings forth much fruit." (John 12:24)

~ not exactly sure what this decorating mix is called...but i like it. and i enjoy using my fall candle that Jenny & Maddie gave me last year. Again...good memories. Maybe that's part of the deal with decorating...preserving memories, pleasing our creative tendencies (such as they may be!), and finding reasons to celebrate and focus on good things. That's what i want my decorating priorities to be, at any rate. These small touches are easy on my eyes....

and make my heart happy.

Lately Reading...

it's both a calm & a complex sort of afternoon here....i have a gumbo started on the stove: which is kind of a big deal ~ although i'm a genuine La. girl, i'd usually rather buy my gumbo than make it! but my Mom is helping me with this one, so hopefully it will turn out well. it seems so long since i've blogged that i thought i'd do something quickly while i watch the gumbo...
i've been doing more reading lately...i'm kinda proud that i've actually been finishing up some of the many books i keep starting:) Remember when we used to "review" and share reads in the "old-timey" days of blogging? i kinda miss that...so here's a listing of some of what i've been reading
(in no particular order):

~The Emily Series & The Blue Castle (L. M. Montgomery): these books are so comforting...and funny...and bittersweet. i've been reading Montgomery since i could read, it seems....and her books are like wonderful old friends to me.
~Me, Myself, & Bob (Phil Vischer): this is the story of VeggieTales...it's creation and it's demise. it's a fascinating read...what a brilliant guy Phil Vischer is! but it's also the story of losing a lot...and how Vischer learns to live "Holding everything loosely but God Himself." very good.
~Tattoos On The Heart (the power of boundless compassion) (Fr. Gregory Boyle): i'm about 1/2 way through this  one. Boyle founded "Homeboy Industries", a gang-intervention program in LA. I've heard him interviewed and his spirit and this story is very inspiring!!
~The Liars' Club (Mary Karr): this memoir tells the story of a family so dysfunctional that lots of other stories pale in comparison! it's tough reading!! very!! but SO interesting...lots to learn here. it's set in East Texas and i can really relate to the cultural dynamics. so well-written.
~An Unquiet Mind (Kay Redfield Jamison): Jamison is one of the foremost authorities on manic-depressive illness...and suffers from the disorder herself. this is not a new book and it is a must-read for anyone interested in mental illness or working in the field. it's beautifully written and helps me feel so much compassion for these issues. On our worst days, most of us still don't know what depression or mania feels like and Jamison helps us understand better.
~The End of Sexual Identity (Jenell William Paris): i was a big fan of JWP's blog and i'm sad that she's stopped it. This book is rather "scholarly" and i'm pretty sure i don't wind up in the same place as she does on some of these issues. But it's interesting reading...about some important subjects. (esp. interesting is her use of The Holiness Manifesto!)
~bagels and grits (A Jew on the Bayou) (Jennifer Anne Moses): she had me with the title!:) and i actually got to hear this author speak  in Baton Rouge. This is her spiritual autobiography and challenged & deepened my own faith. It's good when books do that...
~ The Provence Cure for the Brokenhearted (Bridget Asher): this is a lovely and fun read. but it also explores grief and loss and love....and the possibilities of new beginnings. i love this quote: "Grief is a love story told backward."
~ crazy love (Francis Chan) and Lies Women Believe (Nancy Leigh DeMoss): i read both of these for church....had heard about both so it was good to read them for myself. They're both worth reading! especially good is Chapter 7 in crazy love. i really enjoyed the bible study we've had with the DeMoss book...
~We Live As Christ (Dennis Kinlaw): i was prompted to reread this book as i prepared for giving a little talk at my church...and i'm so glad i did! this is a powerful, convicting read....full of admonition but full of God's grace and faithfulness. Now to read the other Kinlaw books i have....
~Grace (Eventually) (Anne Lamott): i've just started rereading this one...every now and then when i start to feel a bit pressured by "performance ideals"....it's good to read a little Lamott!:)

ok...done listing for now...but not done reading... i've learned about myself that no matter how long it takes me to finish reading something, i eventually will finish it!! i've learned that i probably never will be the world's deepest reader...likely will never win on some check-off list of classics. i'm so tired most of the time that sometimes reading is just too much effort. So i have to read books that nurture my soul and interest my mind. Cliched reads just don't do it for me. i'm loving memoirs more & more the older i get. i like variety...and i like to hear different points of view. mostly, i love books that transport me a little...not to some imaginary escape land....but to a place where i can see my reality in a new (hopefully better) way.

so...what are you reading these days?

"Send Us Your Spirit"

(by D. Schutte)

"Send us your spirit, O Lord.

Evening enfolds us and holds us too near.

Wake the morning light.

Make our living bright.

Shine on our darkness, O Lord.

Hold us with mercy, O Lord.

Sorrow has spoken, has broken our hearts.

Clothe us in your care.

Be the life we bear.

Feed us and fill us, O Lord.

Teach us your wisdom, O Lord.

Shadows have clouded, have crowded our sight.

Give us hearts that see.

Set our loving free.

Hear us and help us, O Lord.

Send us good summer, O Lord.

Winters have chilled us, and stilled us too long.

Give us love’s own fire.

Be our true desire.

Send us your spirit, O Lord."

~We sang this song tonight at my Catholic job...it had been a long, long time since we'd done it and i'd missed it. It's lovely music and seems to fit what my heart is feeling. True, it is summer (and it is ever so hot!!) but yet, there have been chilling things...hard things...confronting my heart. I am more aware than ever of how very much i need the Spirit to help me walk in truth...to gracefully navigate disappointment and trying times, and Life itself. But i don't want to just be "aware"...i want to better live the life of dependence and consecration. 

(maybe one day i'll actually blog some original thoughts again and not just poems and songs:) i do have an pseudo-original thought now and then:)

"Adage"

"Adage" (Billy Collins)

When it’s late at night and branches
are banging against the windows,
you might think that love is just a matter

of leaping out of the frying pan of yourself
into the fire of someone else,
but it’s a little more complicated than that.

It’s more like trading the two birds
who might be hiding in that bush
for the one you are not holding in your hand.

A wise man once said that love
was like forcing a horse to drink
but then everyone stopped thinking of him as wise.

Let us be clear about something.
Love is not as simple as getting up
on the wrong side of the bed wearing the emperor’s clothes.

No, it’s more like the way the pen
feels after it has defeated the sword.
It’s a little like the penny saved or the nine dropped stitches.

You look at me through the halo of the last candle
and tell me love is an ill wind
that has no turning, a road that blows no good,

but I am here to remind you,
as our shadows tremble on the walls,
that love is the early bird who is better late than never.

~~~~~~~~~

i like this poem so very much.....

thinking about my little world...

It's Summertime....and it's so very hot and sticky here in La.!!! There's certainly a part of me that's very comfortable and "at home" in the Southern heat! but still, this is good weather to stay inside and be thankful for air-conditioning! Truth is, i spend way more time inside than i would like....it's difficult to leave Mom for very long and there's lots to be done to keep things running in this home....

sometimes, i definitely chaff at all my inside time....i miss the days of carefully planned out subdivisions and beautiful city parks...*sigh* (trivial, i know) 
And it may not be to my own benefit, but my mind has been pondering some related bigger ideas.....
~how does one keep a "wide-looking" kind of mind while living a pretty small life?
~how does one live a rather "self-contained" sort of life without retreating into self-isolation or self-indulgence?

The World is so very big.....

....but it feels smaller than ever because of how we're all linked through technology. And across the planet, we're so alike in so many way....but yet our frames of reference remain so different. i love reading and watching how people live and think in other corners of the world...it helps me realize how many opinions there are on any number of subjects...and helps me see how i might very well not be all right in my ways of thinking. (imagine that!!)  Today i heard a journalist being interviewed about his coverage of some of the protests occurring in Yemen. Only a few women were allowed at the protests and they were sequestered in a "safe" location in the larger crowd. He spoke with a woman who holds a Doctorate degree and teaches at a university...but who was completely veiled except for her eyes. Her words : "Just because my body is veiled doesn't mean my mind is veiled." Powerful words! Sometimes i wonder how responsible we are for keeping our minds & our hearts veiled : because it feels safer, because it requires energy & effort to think differently, because we don't trust ourselves (or God) enough to live free of the constraints placed upon us by others....

Self-containment can be a good thing (thank God as an only child i learned how to independently interest and entertain myself...it doesn't take much for me to be happy!:).....but at the same time, if we're left to just think & live any way we jolly well please (without considering the input or needs of others) we're likely to have a wasteful & unproductive existence. (not to mention one that glorifies self and not God!!) This is especially a risk for those of us who are single, i think....but certainly doesn't only apply to us. Plenty of married folks become so fixated on an idealized family life that it risks becoming an isolating idol to them. On both ends of the spectrum, we need each other....we're created to be unique & strong individuals; so that, together, we can be strong communities. So, while (most of the time) i feel just fine with myself and my place in my own little world...i'm striving to stay aware of how i fit into the larger puzzle, striving to not make my little kingdom the only one that matters, striving to be aware of the needs and hurts of others (near & far away).

Does any of this rambling offer logically-defined answers? probably not! but these few thoughts are what's on my mind and how will you know them unless i share?!:)

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." 

(Marcel Proust)


"We must be global Christians with a global vision because our God is a global God." 
           (John Stott)

To E. ~ Sara Teasdale

"I have remembered beauty in the night,
 Against black silences I waked to see
 A shower of sunlight over Italy
And green Ravello dreaming on her height;
I have remembered music in the dark,
 The clean swift brightness of a fugue of Bach's,
 And running water singing on the rocks
When once in English woods I heard a lark.

But all remembered beauty is no more
 Than a vague prelude to the thought of you --
 You are the rarest soul I ever knew,
    Lover of beauty, knightliest and best;
My thoughts seek you as waves that seek the shore,
    And when I think of you, I am at rest."

i've been reading a little poetry lately...
some Tennessee Williams, some Kaye Gibbons in a bookstore. I realize how very much brilliant writing there is out there...and how little of it i've read...
We have been singing an arrangement of this Teasdale poem this semester in choir...it is just gorgeous, but the words are arranged a little differently for the musical setting...the original is better (of course). This poem is from her larger volume "Love Songs"...beautiful words. I remember liking a Sara Teasdale poem in high-school...but i didn't know much about her story...it's pretty tragic. But her writing is so very lovely. (does it make me totally shallow that i always think of Emma's "Mr. Knightly" when i sing this song?!...probably!:) anyway...poetry...it makes me happy.

Fully...

"Fully alive in your spirit
Lord make me fully alive
Fully aware of your presence Lord
Totally fully alive" (Gaithers)

i spent some time a couple of days ago reading a newish, popular devotional type book in BAM.
there's a lot to be gleaned from the book, for sure...
the writer uses the phrase "fully alive" several times...
which (of course!!) made me think of this old Gaither song...
(and no!! this blog has not suddenly become an homage to Gaither music:) (but i just can't help it...a lot of their music is in my heart.)
it's an old song...but we're still singing it at my church...just this last weekend, as a matter of fact...

"Fully" Defined = "completely or entirely" : "without lacking or omitting anything"
"Fully" for me includes honesty...."being real" (i know that phrase can be overused!)...and including everything...(to a fault!!)
that's how i mostly approach life and relationships...
and how i approach spiritual ideas...
but sometimes what i define as "fully" i think comes across as complaining...and makes others uncomfortable.
i really don't desire to be any other way....but i don't want to be a complainer, either!!
I Know that a Joyful and Calm heart are basic requirements blessings of living in the light...
but living in the light does not blind us to the very real sorrows and difficulties of life...and i'm not sure we're required called to perform as if those things do not exist...or to tack on pretty answers to all of the Very Hard questions we all face. But it all has to be balanced out...the questioning and the letting go.
ultimately, the letting go is only possible if we fully trust that the love of God is enough....
Learning and Knowing!!! without a doubt that God is with me...is for me...in the good and bad times...that i don't have to somehow convince Him to stick around....has been a very freeing and comforting reality for me.

My brief reading reminded me of this truth about my spiritual heritage : My eyes have been very blessed to see real - life faith lived out. In very undramatic ways, sure....but lived out, all the same. I realize that many, many people walk away from God in tough times. i feel so thankful that my family did not walk away...but passed on Strong Faith, even when it wasn't easy. That absolutely has nothing to do with Me!! (or in some way Them) but with their cooperation with the Holy Spirit's help in their own
(sometimes broken) hearts...
you see, both sides of my family have dealt with huge pains...and huge losses...
but, in very undramatic ways,
they just kept on keeping on...
i'm not sure it was even in their makeups to ask the reasons "why"...or to try and make a lot of sense of it all...
sometimes i think that whether it comes from a Christian or non-Christian viewpoint, the reason we have to find a "reason" behind every happening in life is that it helps us feel more in control....
we run from mystery and no-good-answers...

we had a special speaker at our church last weekend.
(Mr. Don Davison)
He asked the question "What is the tone of your spirit?"
And i was brought up short with that question...
because, i think, there can be a fine line between honesty and belligerence.

i absolutely want the "tone of my spirit" to honor God...
for my spirit to be Open...
because He has been so very kind and faithful to my heart...
and because what i Know...is that even in the hardest of times, Faith is possible...it is redemptive...it is sustaining...it enables us to be Fully Alive.

i Know it because i've seen it happen...and i've experienced it happening...(even though i can't explain it very well.) i want to be fully aware...fully honest...fully responsive to God's workings....fully trusting in His ability to redeem all of life's chaotic struggles...

(*disclaimer* sometimes i'm not sure just who is reading this blog anymore...(blessed few, i think!:)...but if you've read here before you may note that this post is even more disjointed than normal...that's because it reflects a whole bunch of different ideas that have been on my mind but which i was not quite able to explain in any sort of shiny, cohesive sort of way!:) But know that these words are from my heart...)

~Take His Peace~

"When the whirlwinds of doubt churn their way into your soul,

Take His peace
When your world's reduced to ashes, Leaving nothing firm and whole
Take His peace

There amidst the broken wreckage in the 
midnight of your day, 
In the apex of the stormcloud, He's the quiet place to stay,
Take His peace

When your mind gropes for answers to the 
questions that you face,
When your past comes back to haunt you and you need amazing grace...
Ah...There's an answer beyond question, It's the 
truth for which you yearn:
There's forgiveness without merit, 
There's a love you needn't earn,
Take His peace

When your're weary of the struggle and you need 
a place to rest,
When you lose more than you're winning and you're failing every test.
Take His peace

You see...There's no need to win a battle that's been fought and won before;
You can lay back in the Victory, Freely share 
His boundless store,
Take His peace, Take His Peace."
(Bill and Gloria Gaither)

i put this record on this morning as i was helping my Mom get ready for the day. (yes i said record!!:) This project has had a big musical and spiritual influence on my life...maybe kinda funny! but true. i've been listening to these songs my whole life, it seems. i distinctly remember jamming out to the music when i was a little girl (just get a mental image of that, dear friends!:)....and the lyrics continue to bless me every time i play these songs....as the "seasoned and mature" adult that i am!:) (Of course, it was my dear parents who chose what music played in our home and influenced me....they made good choices and i'm grateful.)


there's just so many good songs here : "More of You", "The World Didn't Give it to Me" (that's my jammin song!! incidentally, accompanied by my little bumble-bee tambourine!:)) "I Will Praise Him" "Precious Jesus" (i can hear my Mom singing this song....she loved it, and sang it so beautifully.)


and there's "Take His Peace"....which is basically a recitation by Gloria, combined with the old gospel song "Wonderful Peace". So simply but profoundly written...steeped in good theology....powerful and rich truth....and exactly what  i needed to hear today. There's so much unpeace surrounding us.....so much sadness and struggling and sin-consequences everywhere we look. It can feel like an overwhelming burden (at least to my shrinking heart). But we do not have to live as those who have no hope.... mercifully, He is able to bring peace and calm to even the faintest of hearts.


Take His Peace...that's an action verb. I'm pretty sure she wrote it that way on purpose! His Peace is always Available....It is Abundant...He gives it without reserve (and when i don't deserve it!)....but it Is dependent on my willingness to receive.


I am Willing....
Willing to Live in His Peace.

i am thinking that there is very little that i need to say 

(write) at this time.....

(shocking, huh?!) 

i am learning that often when i'm feeling like i must say something ... or imagining that something 

unbelievably wise is on my mind...

that is likely when i should keep my mouth shut!!:)

(i didn't say i was all the way there...but i am learning!)

So....just sharing 2 things this rainy evening...but wishing many blessings on "all" of my trusty blog readers!:)

1) this fav picture from a wonderful "Epic Friends Weekend":) i've just enjoyed in Florida (so, so blessed)...

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; 

they are the charming gardeners 

who make our souls blossom." 

~Marcel Proust~

2) and this picture of my "Obedience Shoes"...a trivial matter to anyone else...but a lesson for me in learning how to listen...how to obey...and, sometimes, how that leads to a tangible blessing!

"Then Samuel said, 

    Do you think all God wants are sacrifices— 

      empty rituals just for show? 

   He wants you to listen to him! 

   Plain listening is the thing, 

      not staging a lavish religious production."
~1 Samuel 15:22 (The Message)~

*truthfully, by blogging, i guess i did "say something", after all....and did not completely keep my thoughts to myself!*

Mirrors (revisited)

this year, i have been reading My Utmost For His Highest (Oswald Chambers). it's been awhile since i've read that as a daily devotional. it's been good for me.

i found the following words (from Jan. 23rd) very moving...and my mind keeps returning to them and i've read them over several times. "The outstanding characteristic of a Christian is this unveiled frankness before God so that the life becomes a mirror for other lives. By being filled with the Spirit we are transformed, and by beholding we become mirrors. You always know when a man has been been beholding the glory of the Lord, you feel in your inner spirit that he is the mirror of the Lord's own character. Beware of anything which would sully that mirror in you; it is nearly always a good thing, the good that is not the best." ("We all, with open face, beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image." 2 Cor. 3:18)

"the mirror of the Lord's own character": that is truly an overwhelmingly daunting sort of proposition!! how very, very far i fall from that goal, i'm afraid....and yet, it is the Spirit that keeps drawing me to that goal...to the reality of that possibility. Even in my unworthiness....He keeps leading me towards the best!

last weekend, Fr. Hank made this statement: "Truth sets us free to be who we are rather than who we fabricate ourselves to be." Staggering!! convicting!! and freeing!! It's so easy to pretend, isn't it....
often, i think, our cultures even encourage us to pretend!! but that's the thing about mirrors...it's tough to fake in front of them too much...it's pretty obvious when the fit isn't quite right....when that certain look just "isn't working"...

i want to be genuine...unfabricated. to have the threads of my soul match up with what i see mirrored in the gazes of my family and friends. to have "who i am" so rooted in Him that pretending is not even on the table. again, i say: i'm often far from that goal...but that's the kind of mirror i long to be.

And, what a blessing to know others who are also desire that mirroring miracle! i wrote a little along these lines a while back. i remembered what i had said :) when i was reading the devotional. Here's the link to that post. (if you're interested) It felt funny to reread myself :) i think i'm a little less honest these days in my blogging. that's something to ponder....and kinda sad. And i'd forgotten how many pictures we all used to post...Facebook has tempered that sharing exuberance...or maybe just reshaped it....i'm not sure. *sigh*

These are only some rambling thoughts and i thank anyone who has persevered through them for taking the time!:) But, as i'm preparing to be with some of my mirroring friends for a few days in Fl. (so excited!!!!), my old post and these old, but still fresh words from Oswald Chambers have been on my heart. I am challenged to not be a watcher and reader of others.....but to be a reflector and a seeker of His transformational glory!

"Separation"

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color. 

(W.S. Merwin)

(i've posted this beautiful poem (by the current poet laureate) a couple of times on fb. This poem expresses feelings perfectly...i love it.)

the Circus...

this is one of my very favorite scenes...ever...from one of my favorite movies and books, ever: Persuasion. I own both this 1995 movie version and the 2008 version. (and i've watched both in the last little while. :) The '95 is by far the better of the two! Watching or reading a little Jane Austen is always a good thing, in my opinion...kind of like a comforter for my heart. (and i'm no Austen expert, but i do believe i remember that this is her final book...and her best, imho.)

I so appreciate the kindness, perseverance, complexity, and faithful love portrayed in this wonderful novel.

Beginning a new year can be a bit tricky for me. Disconcerting...to go "back to normal". I am not normally of a melancholy temperament...but, sometimes, I am. It might be escapism to retreat into Austen...but it's also restful and calming to my spirit.

Anyway...back to this scene. i have no idea why this youtube version has (is it) spanish? captioning. And the very 1st comment is somewhat amusing...complaining about the background music. Pay no mind to these things! The background music & activity is precisely what is so very fabulous about this scene!! We see circus members walking through Bath...trying to advertise the evening's show, i suppose....with all the music and spectacle and riotous joy and exuberance that comes with a circus. And we see Anne and Captain Wentworth...quiet, careful, appropriate, almost invisible in their rediscovered love. ahhh....but the circus is playing out the emotions in their hearts...

We can never tell exactly what's happening in the heart, can we...

sometimes there's a circus... sometimes there's a storm...

but we just can't see by looking from the outside in...

this is not necessarily a problem... privacy is usually a good thing...

but i do so want eyes that look from the inside out....

i want to see....

And, yes....i realize that this over-romantical-sentimentality sort of focus can be risky...(but perhaps i need to accept more life-risks?) 
What we allow ourselves to meditate on deserves evaluation...so i am trying to balance all i have said and felt above with the prayer by which i seek to balance all of my life:

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer." (Psalm 19:14)

~Christmas & New Year's 2010~

~Christmas 2010~

...so very thankful that my Aunt Carolyn and cousin Nicole came to visit...

...so many special, good moments...

...everything seemed to fall in place...

...and peace and love really did reign in our little corner of the world...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then it was the big New Year's weekend...

and my parents' 40th Anniversary Party!

I had never hosted such an event (on my own). This one wouldn't have been successful at all but for careful planning, dear Nan making everything beautiful with her magical touch, and the help of cousins & friends. I'm so grateful for how well everything turned out...and for the friends and family who came to be with us. It wasn't perfect (nothing ever is!) but it was perfect enough and i think my parents & everyone else had a lovely time.

I suppose a lot could be said about my parents' lives and love. Certainly, they have withstood unexpected adversity and have remained faithful, committed, and loving through it all. In a way, i regret that crisis somewhat defines them... because even without this experience with crisis, their marriage has been one of honor, romance, and fun! They deserve so much applause and it was a joy to honor them in a small way...

My parents were so good at "showing up" and honoring others....not necessarily waiting for crisis events like funerals, etc. I appreciate that legacy so very much. If i could remind myself and others of one Truth for this New Year....i would say Show Up for the people in your life....for the little moments & the big ones. That might not always mean your physical presence....it might not always be easy....but it does mean paying attention & giving of yourself...and it will always be remembered.

People say very nice things to me about my care of my parents (and that happened again with this event). I'm not always sure what to do with those comments. They are surely appreciated and meaningful to me. But i know myself quite well....and know just how little praise i actually warrant! (smile) I wish for a day when words like "responsibility, obligation, and duty" are viewed positively and widely exercised....not seen as the exception. I do not in any way think we perfectly live out the following quote...but it does resonate with me for obvious reasons. i hope it speaks to you, too...

"There aren't any easy answers to the questions being raised today, and it may be too easy for me to remember Jesus saying, "Greater love has no man than to give up his life for his friend." Or wife, or children. Isn't staying with your family sometimes a real equivalent of giving up your own life? Cannot it sometimes be a blessing, especially if it is given with graciousness, not rigid rectitude? I believe that it can, because I know of families where this is what has happened. Sacrifice is no longer popular, but I think that sometimes it can lead to true joy. Even the simplest of unions does not come free. There is always sacrifice." (Madeleine L'Engle)

and to add one more thing to this very long post! because it is the 1st one of the New Year ~ i've decided this will be my verse, my goal, and my encouragement for 2011:

"May the God of Hope fill you with all Joy and Peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with Hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Romans 15:13)