"Christmas Chatting"

it's been a very busy, busy time around here lately...certainly not because i have a full social calendar (ha!) but there definitely has seemed to be many things to 'oversee' and get done....but things have calmed down a bit this Christmas Week and i am so glad. There's still plenty to do....but the "big stressful stuff" is mostly over. Thankfully! I so wish i could spend a long time chatting with all of my dear friends scattered far and near....the holidays make me miss you all more! I know a few of you still read this blog, so i'm thinking this might have to work until we can be together. Here's a few moments i think are worth mentioning about this Season so far...

~we managed to draft replacement Marys for our 2 church programs (i think a Christmas play without a Mary might have been not so good:) or else would have made for a whole new kind of story!)

~i have had the energy needed to get what has seemed like an almost insurmountable list of things done...i am thankful!!

~a helpful tip for Christmas decorating is simply leaving the decorations from the previous year just sitting around in the garage...makes gathering them all up again for placement quite convenient. (not that i have personally experienced the convenience of this tip...i'm just offering helpful advice:)

~i was able to make a needed and good trip to Fl. for a beautiful wedding....with the added bonus of staying with Kayla and her family....it came at both bad and really good timing for me...trips to Hobe Sound can be somewhat pressureful for me as i try to fit in a lot of special things and people....but this time i was pretty much able to truly relax a little (even in a short span of time) and be satisfied with what could actually get accomplished in a really short visit...(and to have some good times of connecting with the 4 funny Martin boys!:)

~kind folks helped me out at the last minute in the necessary details that make trips doable. I am learning that kindness is available...but not always from expected sources. (a highlight of having "helpers" here was getting to hear an eyebrow-grooming discussion between my Uncle Dwight and Mr. Kendall!!:)

~long distant friends offered sweet support to my parents while i was away....even if from thousands of miles away, that is very meaningful to me...

~we've had a 'cuff-link emergency' in this house....the crisp, white shirt I'd gotten for my Dad for Christmas Sunday unexpectedly required them!! The small miracle was that we actually were able to locate the one pair in the house...which had apparently belonged to my Grandpa or something...funny times!

~i've been happy with my balance of Christmas music listening this year....sometimes over listening can be too emotional for me....but this Season's listening has been a nice middle-road between the sacred and the silly. (that might be a good way to live, now that i think of it!:)

~similarly, i have done a better job this year of not trying to "overproduce" the Christmas experience. I am learning that the pleasure is often in "being" rather than "doing". (and yes that applies to other areas, too!)

~we are looking forward to spending a couple of the upcoming Christmas days with extended family in Tx. It's been years since we've traveled for this holiday, and there's a special excitement that comes with that! So thankful for welcoming family!

~i've been learning some good lessons lately....about forgiving, about what giving from a kind heart means, and about living honestly. I often focus more on the honesty part than the kindness part...that needs adjusting. Living in a Christlike way might actually mean saying NO! more or worrying less about things that don't matter in the big picture. I am committed to trusting more....to listening better to the needs around me...and to loving hard! (even when it hurts...)

~I'm grateful for a sense of calm that has covered these busy days...i'm completely fine admitting that i often feel pretty overwhelmed....but that sense of overwhelmedness does not restrict me from having peace and calm in my soul...that is a gift of Grace...for which i am thankful!

~i almost didn't bring along the book The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus (Brennan Manning) on my trip to Fl. but i felt the urge that i should....and when i started looking through it again i realized there is a whole section about 'Jesus at Christmas'. This reading has been so very perfect and encouraging to me. Here's one of my favorite sections from the book: ~I come to the stable just as I am, not as I should be (since I'm never going to be as I should be), a poor, weak, sinful man with easy rationalizations for my inconsistent behavior, a little frightened because I am called to live the words I am setting down...The little Child looks at me, smiles and says: 'Don't be afraid; I am with you. I expect more failures from you than you expect from yourself. Peace is My gift to you. Live this day in the wisdom of my accepted tenderness.'~ I feel truly grateful that He came, He sees, He knows, He forgives, and He accepts!

~So very happy to be blessed by getting to visit in Fl. with two of my favorite girls in the world at this Christmas time~

~I am so blessed by the love, the example, and the sharing of life with my beautiful parents~

"Merry, Merry Christmas to All of You!"

"What Sweeter Music"

"What sweeter music can we bring
Than a carol, for to sing
The birth of this our heavenly King?
Awake the voice! Awake the string!

Dark and dull night fly hence away,
And give the honor to this day
That sees December turned to May.

Why does the chilling winter’s morn
Smile, like a field beset with corn?
Or smell like a meadow newly shorn
Thus on the sudden? Come and see
The cause, why things thus fragrant be :

Tis he is born, whose quickening birth
Gives life and lustre, public mirth,
To heaven and the underearth.

We see him come, and know him ours,
Who, with his sunshine and his showers,
Turns all the patient ground to flowers.

The darling of the world is come,
And fit it is, we find a room
To welcome him, to welcome him.

The nobler part of all the house here, is the heart,
Which we will give him; and bequeath
This holly, and this ivy wreath,
To do him honor; who’s our King,
And Lord of all this revelling.

What sweeter music can we bring
Than a carol, for to sing
The birth of this our heavenly King?"

(John Rutter)

abridged from Robert Herrick's poem (1591-1674)

Advent Prayer

(Henri J.M. Nouwen)

Lord Jesus,
Master of both the light and the darkness,

send your Holy Spirit upon our preparations for Christmas.
We who have so much to do

seek quiet spaces to hear your voice each day.
We who are anxious over many things

look forward to your coming among us.
We who are blessed in so many ways

long for the complete joy of your kingdom.
We whose hearts are heavy

seek the joy of your presence.
We are your people,

walking in darkness, yet seeking the light.
To you we say,

"Come Lord Jesus!"
Amen.

~Hello....and Goodbye~

I have been blessed this week to find "the right" new/used car....the details fit for us....and so i am somewhat proudly but mostly apprehensively driving around a much better lookin car!:)

of course the story is not as simple as that...it's been a bit of an emotional experience to let go of the old car. It needed replacing...as a '96, she had seen better days. But she's also driven me through some pretty tumultuous days. Through illness and change; through numerous states of the country and through VERY many numerous states of mind!

the Corolla was bought while i still had an actual job...and i can't help but remember all of the little clients i drove around in it.

this transition was unexpectedly tricky for Mom...she was the one who had found the old car for me...and this was our last vehicle she actually drove. After all, she definitely was the "car person" in the family. Another loss. Seems little, but signifies much.

So...YES...I'm being somewhat melodramatic!...and (again) find myself facing the tendency to hold on too tightly....gotta learn to let go a little better.

I'm remembering the words to an old song: "the things of earth will dim and lose their value~when we recall they're only borrowed for awhile". True...even for mostly unimportant things like cars!:)

• So..."Hello" to my Mazda 3I (with brand-new leather seats!)

and "Goodbye" to my faithful old Corolla...

....we'll miss you.

{i've never been a car-namer...but for some reason, i think "Maisy" might be the perfect name for this one. I must be thinking about the real Maisy, who's just lovely!:)}

Recognizing Riches...

~this past Sunday night, my Pastor spoke on "the blessings of believers"...Psalm 103: "Forget not all His benefits"...and listed a whole litany of amazingly wonderful promises from the Word of God. Things that we (unfortunately) often forget to be thankful about.

~it was good for me to hear....I haven't been feeling very rich lately....

~by grace, i am a pretty contented sort of soul. I truly get how fleeting and chaffy and meaningless the stuff and excesses of this consumerism crazed society really are....... (is chaffy a word?!)

~it's not the stuff I'm worried with...it's this "i don't have a job and i need another car!!" kind of living that troubles me!:) it's not that I long to take an expensive trip to escape reality...i really don't (although if i won a trip to Europe right now, I'd go:)....

~i don't mind Reality...living in the Truth is pretty good...it's just that i wish my particular brand of reality was perhaps shaded a little differently...

~But every now and then i forget what is Real....forget the stats i read from World Vision of how little the rest of the world lives on...i get lonesome for a time when finances were not troublesome....when my "good taste" got pampered a little....(ok, more than a little:) And truly i still am pampered ....sometimes.

Most concerning, i feel poor in some things of real value....issues i can't do one thing in the world to change....

• *Sigh*

so here's a partial list of blessings/riches that i needed to hear....maybe someone else does, too:

(of course there are scripture references for all of these, just not including them....)

-I have access to the grace of God!

-I am adopted by the Father!

-I am a citizen of Heaven!

-I am a new creation!

-I am reconciled with God!

-I have peace with God!

-I am a dwelling place of the Holy Spirit!

-Jesus is my advocate!

-My name is in the Book of Life!

-God will supply All of my Needs!

-I am given strength!!

-I am being made a saint!

• "Lord, Help me to be more grateful for these marvelous , undeserved Blessings!"

~Being Real~

awhile back i read The Velveteen Rabbit again....a wonderful read. I'm sure I've mentioned it before, but one of the best sermons i think i've ever heard was in a little campmeeting in Mi., by Bro. John Parker when he read a portion from this book, relating it to what the essence of Holy living means. That illustration has stayed with me all these years. This beautiful word picture of "being real" has been on my mind in the last few days....

~"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." "The Boy's Uncle made me Real," he said. "That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."~

(from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery
Williams Illustration by William Nicholson)

An Autumn Forest.....

"Therefore know that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments"

(Deuteronomy 7:9)

~this photo and scripture are on a little calendar i keep. I find it very calming and so, so beautiful. (finding it on the internet confirms for me that one can (with persistence!) find just about anything on there:)

~Today (and every day) I needed to be reminded that He Is God:

....even when i am at a loss for how to help in unfixable problems...

....even when i am angry with individuals who create unnecessary problems in a world where there are already real problems aplenty...

...even when i see hate seem to triumph over Godliness...

...even when i feel alienated and overwhelmed...

~He reminds me of His faithfulness with His reassuring presence and by my many sweet and wise family members and friends~

~So even though right about now i'd like to just walk away from a few situations into this lovely autumn forest......i will keep walking forward confidently amidst the confusing forest that i am in~

~He Is God~

not a Christmas letter.....

one of the things i did in my (not) oh so busy day today was gather up the boxes of Christmas cards that I had purchased off clearance tables. (you do that, too, right...buy them super, super cheap?....such a feeling of conning the system when you pay next to nothing for the cards!! :) (what system, you ask?...why, the Christmas Card Conspiracy System!!) (it might be just a bit early to even be thinking of Christmas cards....but it is such a job!...and requires me getting my act together well in advance in order to pull off....and for whatever reasons, i am dreading it more than usual this year...)

i had been thinking of doing a letter this year (& yes, i even had that stuff bought already too!!) but as the fateful day of needing to write the letter approaches, i sense i will certainly not be up to actually doing it....

What should i say? Is it acceptable to send out a letter that says "Hey...Happy Christmas Y'all! Not much has changed since you last heard from us!" Since no one much reads this blog anyway, i think I'll be real about our "news" for a moment here:

• ~Paul is still working in an extremely stressful environment...he's tired all the time. (we're hoping he can retire soon, but then that opens a whole new can of worms...)
• ~Naomi is still holding her own...& is pretty much the same...maybe not as good as at some other times since she's not able to be in the physical therapy that she needs. (we're hoping we can help her as much as we can...)
• ~Kimberly is "bravely" holding onto her last shred of sanity...at least trying to.....still "caregiving"....still doing music.....still single. (she's hoping to....remain hopeful.)
• ~(nah, that's all way too uncheerful for a Christmas letter....)

Truly, i love the Christmas Season....i love the way we celebrate together the Gift of Salvation that entered our world through Jesus....i even love Christmas cards and letters.....i'm a real schmaltz when it comes to all of it....

But this year, I'm just not up to performing the "compare and impress" game that sometimes seems to become a part of the letters....where I've been, who i know, what I (or my children) have achieved. I'm also not up for putting out a "got it all together" kind of story. It's way more complicated than that.

Of course, if i were to write a letter, i would include the other important facts of our little family....we love God, we are loved by Him, we love each other, we are surviving pretty nicely, we are at peace, we find Grace sufficient even in dreary times. (and we've had some marvelous times with friends and family even this year...there are good times even in tough times.)

I'm so very thankful for the "comfort and joy" present in Christmas itself and in Christmas greetings. I will send and receive with joy!

(but i will be sending cards & not writing a letter this year...and the other stuff i said is true, too!:)

Worship Dilemmas

I am struggling to reconcile all of the styles of worship in which I participate as well as all of my personal opinions and preferences about worship. (and i know that's all they are....just opinions and preferences:) All of the details associated with church services can get a little tricky, and can contribute to losing focus on the point of it all....truly Worshiping God. And frankly, sometimes I am conflicted about how worshiping Him is best accomplished. Sometimes it seems we find it difficult to strike a happy balance between God-focus and self-focus. Both are needed. Trying to make all of the pieces of this puzzle fit together can leave me feeling frustrated...pressured. Unfortunately, I can find myself being less of a Lover of God than I want to be...or, more importantly, than I am called to be. There are no quick fixes for this discussion I am having in my head...I know that. But, somehow, I think some of the answers to these (shall we say) "worship dilemmas" may be found in the words of this old hymn we sang this morning:

Sitting At The Feet Of Jesus

"Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
Oh, what words I hear Him say!
Happy place! so near, so precious!
May it find me there each day.
Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
I would look upon the past;
For His love has been so gracious,
It has won my heart at last.

Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
Where can mortal be more blest?
There I lay my sins and sorrows
And, when weary, find sweet rest.
Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
There I love to weep and pray,
While I from His fullness gather
Grace and comfort every day.

Bless me, O my Savior, bless me,
As I sit low at Thy feet.
Oh, look down in love upon me;
Let me see Thy face so sweet.
Give me, Lord, the mind of Jesus;
Make me holy as He is.
May I prove I’ve been with Jesus,
Who is all my righteousness."
(J.H./Asa Hull)

Bread Pudding....and Gingersnaps....

kind of a strange title...but i like the sound if it!:) i mentioned a glorious bread pudding on fb the other night..and somehow gingersnap cookies and their pumpkin dip jumped into the conversation too; so i am posting the requested recipes here..it's just easier.

Ah....food...what a wonderful, comforting, beautiful pleasure of life. No wonder it's so often a part of relationships & of both good and bad times. I loved Paul Child's quote to Julia: "You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life" (from Julie and Julia). Sweet.

And not to go completely off the deep end, food can even be spiritual....scriptures and whole books have been devoted to that analogy. How clever of the Lord to speak in a language we understand...cause, man do i ever understand food!:) but Seriously, what a blessing....that our God created these fleshly enjoyments.....and (i think) enjoys when we enjoy them! "For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." (Psalm 107:9)

But....i do SERIOUSLY intend to attack these stubborn, insidious 10lbs...there's been a bit too much enjoyment around here lately! my efforts will start next week...after Labor Day....i will bring the exerciser back in the house:)...now that I've written it for the "world" to see maybe I'll actually do it....

~The Recipes~

Gingersnaps

2/3 c .vegetable oil
1/2 t. salt
1 c . sugar
2 t. baking soda
1 egg
1 t. ground cinnamon
1/4 c. molasses (or honey)
1 t. ground ginger
2 c. all-purpose flour
(small amt of sugar in bowl)

Combine oil & 1 cup sugar in bowl;
Add eggs and beat well.
Stir in molasses or honey.
Combine flour, salt, soda, cinn., & ginger;
Add to molasses mixture - stirring to mix.
Roll dough into 1-inch balls; roll each in sugar bowl.
Place 2 inches apart on a greased cookie sheet or stone.
Bake at 350 degrees for 10 - 12 minutes

Pumpkin Dip
(from Heather D.)

1 8oz. cream cheese
1 15 oz can pumpkin pie mix
2 cups powered sugar
1/2 to 1 t. cinnamon
1/4 to 1/2 ginger
Mix together. Will be "runny". Store in fridge.

~these cookies work great for Mom and me to do together. We don't always have the dip/ sometimes we dip half of the cookie in white chocolate then sprinkle on sparklies. The plain cookies are just fine , too!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

White Chocolate Peach Bread Pudding

13-15 pieces of sliced white bread

1 lb. frozen peaches, thawed & cut

1 cup heavy cream

2 cups milk

1/4 cup butter, cut up

2 oz. Baker’s white chocolate, chopped

3 eggs

1 1/2 cups sugar

1teaspoon almond extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Tear bread into pieces in a large (9 x 13) sprayed baking dish. Sprinkle peaches over bread. Heat cream, milk and butter in the microwave until hot and butter melts. Stir in chopped white chocolate until melted and pour over bread and peaches. In a separate bowl, whisk together eggs, sugar and almond extract. Pour over bread mixture and gently stir in. Bake about 45 minutes. Serve topped with White Chocolate Sauce. (serves 8-10)

White Chocolate Sauce:

4 oz. Baker’s white chocolate, chopped

1/2 cup heavy cream Heat cream in the microwave until boiling. Whisk in white chocolate until combined. Drizzle over bread pudding. (i did this in a little pot and added a little butter to it...that makes a nice consistency)

~i did not use peaches!! i used a bag of white chocolate chips...1/2 for the bread pudding and 1/2 for the sauce. i used plain ole bread. i used a little more of just regular skim milk than the heavy cream...next time i plan to dilute even more. This is rich but incredible stuff!! a couple of ladies in our church make this recipe and I'm so glad they shared it with me. I hope ya'll enjoy these recipes, too!

Summer Moments

lovely produce....

VBS....
Kayla and her family were here:).......we went to see the alligators!
...my favorite photo from a big family gathering in Tulsa; sweet times...
"Father's Day 2009"
so very special for Sonja to come for a visit....
"We have this moment to hold in our hands, And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday’s gone, And tomorrow may never come, But we have this moment today." (Gaither)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Moments of Insight"

~ wondering about the disturbing lack of appropriate shame i'm observing...there seems to be an alarming tendency to self-defend & cloak problems vs. living honestly. (i'm thinking that this lack is at the root of many problems...not a cheery or new idea, but one thing i'm thinking on...)

~ realizing the harm done when we build walls of self-protection, when we operate from a lack of confidence....A little of that is healthy & sometimes the cause lies outside of ourselves; but doubting others (ourselves?) can cause misunderstandings...

~ knowing grace; believing the best truth about those we love....choosing to let down those self-protective walls and experience the surprise of acceptance...

~ thinking a lot about the "identity badges" we wear & cling to so fiercely. (thought i was a little "above" this pitfall...admitting: not so much!)

~ trusting that the possibility for redemptive change really DOES always exist (sometimes i doubt that...)

Finding these words to be encouraging:

"How can someone ever trust in the existence of an unconditional divine love when most, if not all, of what he or she has experienced is the opposite of love?~They are not condemned to be victims! There remains within them, hidden as it may be, the possibility to choose love.~By choosing love they become witnesses not only to human resiliency but also to the divine love that transcends all human loves. Those who choose, even on a small scale, to love in the midst of hatred and fear are the people who offer true hope to our world." (Henri Nouwen)

weakness....

Definition: An Achilles’ heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength.

I've been contemplating this interaction between weakness and strength...

how usually there is a relationship between the character traits and innate personality composition that define the very best if who we are.....and the traits which seem to lead to our undoing...

I've observed much...thought about what I see in others...

but (while interesting) how beneficial is such an exercise?

what I am focusing more on is this question: What is my Achilles' Heel? (or...horrors!...maybe that should be plural!)

it seems as if some people can go an entire life...doing much, saying much...but lacking awareness of their greatest needs. ~ I very much do not want that to happen in my life.

I think I have a fairly clear picture of myself....good and bad.

And I'm aware that over self-evaluation can be somewhat self-indulgent, self-centered...distracting from the very important needs that surround us. Still, tending to the soul is a task that never should end.

So I am asking the Lord to show me more...open the eyes of my heart. I believe only He is able to accurately increase my vision...clearly, I need plenty grace and mercy along this path.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this past Sunday I was privileged to hear my cousin Jamey preach a powerful sermon...in essence, evaluating the soil of the heart in sharing and receiving the Gospel. One phrase that so stood out and has stayed with me goes something like this "God doesn't build ponds of grace"...Grace is better pictured as a gushing, alive waterforce that breaks through the rocky, shallow, broken areas of our hearts. It is transformational and dynamic....it prepares the way. (i am likely grossly misrepresenting this truth that Jamey communicated so well!) This is the Grace I need. I sense the waves of change and doubt around me...Who will I be, How will I react in the storm? (and isn't there pretty much always a storm approaching, if we are honest?)

How very thankful I am for this endless stream of grace...it supports in new times of self-discovery...it changes what is wrong, what is weak...if I allow it to flow. That is my desire.

"The cleansing stream I see, I see...I plunge and oh it cleanseth me!" (Phoebe Palmer)

(Ansel Adams, Nevada Falls)

But In Other News...

Because I am blogging so infrequently these days...i find when I come to this page that I feel the urge to say something "Important"...that's always a dangerous impulse! And a pretty self-exalting one....so I will resist! There are many mind-boggling worries plaguing my mind these days....too many to share and frankly too many uncertainties for my small mind to handle...aarrgghh!!!!

But in other news:

~my Mom has been receiving some free facial reflexology...my massage therapist (and I use that term loosely since I've sadly only had ONE massage from her this year) recently went to a training on this fairly new technique,and wanted to practice on my Mom. I doubt that the results will amount to a hill of beans, but it is making Mom feel pampered and encouraged...that is good enough for me and we are thankful!

~same said therapist informed me at my massage on Sat. (where I once again discovered how very beat up my poor body is...and how close to the surface my emotions are...) that I probably should NOT be doing push-ups....unbelievably, I had been doing them regularly....but they are working the wrong muscles. So I will start using 5lbs weights when I do the elliptical machine...in no time I will have Michelle Obama arms...just wait and see....(below is me with some bday flowers pre-exercised, quasi-MO arms:)

~in pursuit of relaxation, I have been enjoying my eucalyptus-spearmint soothing sugar scrub...i love how it smells...between my buff arms and this pleasant aroma, I am a force to be reckoned with:) {the scrub was a gift from my friend Jen....mentioning her 2 posts in a row is a shameless attempt to get her blogging again...Jenny, we miss you!}

~I've had the best read recently: A Walk with Jane Austen by Lori Smith. This is a terrific book....esp. if you are an Austen fan...and if you happen to be a "single"...(both of which I am!)....stumbling on this book was a nice surprise...and perfect timing for my current ponderings...it has been a blessing for me, and I highly recommend it! Actually, I've been on somewhat of an Austen binge...reading....watching the dvds...so very fun. My favorite line from Smith: "If I could manage to fall in love without having to actually meet someone, that would be ideal." (see, that would just look so pathetic if I put it on fb!)

~another new quote that I'm loving comes from a book my cousin Rhonda sent me for my bday (Singular Existence by Leslie Talbot). I do not agree with all the views of this book, but this quote just kills me and (probably unfortunately) very much describes me: "I'm one of those people who are prone to "oversharing". Not in the spill your guts and pour your heart out to strangers kind of way, but more in the "this is how I feel; what do you mean you're offended by it?" kind of way." I'm, um, workin on this quality....

~I looked into my DSM-IV this evening...hadn't done that in awhile...so that was interesting, and made me realize how much I've forgotten....

~I've been listening to the old Steve Green Cd of Scripture songs for children..what a treasure. The sweetness of The Word truly shines a light of truth...drawing me into the comfort and pursuit of His will. I never want to let life's realities distract me from that path...i'm striving to pray more...and listen more.

~ I've also been listening alot to Brent V.'s "If You Seek Me".....very calming to me. The truth that God hears and heals us never fails to amaze me. But I've been asking myself..."Am I really seeking Him?"....times are exhausting....very many very real needs require just about all the energy I can muster....yet, how much more must I turn to truly seek Him for true wisdom and joy. But I want to balance that needed Self-focus with a very thorough Focus on the sufficiency of His Love...."For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38 (ASV)

a small life

This afternoon I got out my book "Horton Hears a Who!" (by Dr. Seuss of course!)...been thinking of it and just needed to read it again...and it prompted me to write out these very much random thoughts.

(an aside: it was a birthday gift from my dear friend Jenny back in 1996!!!...man, we're getting old!)

I've been thinking of this idea...what living a small life means:

• ~i think about it when i see or hear pictures from wonderful trips...by nature I'm a "goer" and I do an awful lot of "staying" these days.
• ~i think about it when I read about big cities, with exciting things, cool restaurants, great culture.
• ~i think about it when I hear of other's great "accomplishments"...it strikes me how easy it is to define "success" by numbers or bigness or "perfection" (whatever that is) or showiness. Hmmm, it that really success?
• ~i think about it even when hearing of the more "normal" joys and struggles of living...those that occur in career, family, society...that merry-go-round of life that I find myself not riding.

But, truly, I know how blessed I am...I have been able to travel around a fair bit, have done some pretty exciting things, have accomplished a few things, and have some people in my life who really do care about me...and...(despite or perhaps through the smallness of my life) I am at peace....I am clear on what I value and Who values me.

That sounds lofty, doesn't it? Other times I feel like the Whoville people crying out in fear, in need of rescue:

• "we are here! we are here! we are here!"

Cause that's also the very real reality...the daily smallness of this current life of mine is pretty unnoticeable...and sometimes insanely and boringly repetitive.

But here's the truth:
"A person's a person, no matter how small!"
That applies to me, to my dear parents, ....and to you! We matter...the little, unexciting details of our lives matter. We matter to God, and (we should) matter to one another. I've been trying to look at even the most hopeless of folks with eyes of grace open to their true, Divinely given potential...not just focusing on their visible mistakes and tragedies. It upsets me so much to see the heartbreak of others...and I can only imagine how much pain it brings the Father.

"A person's a person no matter how small!"....that's not true because Dr. Seuss wrote it...it's true because God believes it....and showed it. Jen's Bday note in my book included this Scripture reference:
Proverbs 31:8-9 (The Message) "Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. Speak out for justice! Stand up for the poor and destitute!"

I want to better live that in my own life...and for the lives of those around me.

"The Woman"

(by Madeleine L'Engle)

Jesus, to the woman taken in adultery:
Go, and sin no more.

It is not
what it was
or could have been
or might have been
or should have been
or what I thought it would be
or dreamed about
or expected
or longed for
or prayed for.

It is what is.
Nowhere else but
Here. Now.
Only in the is
(not the ought)
does love grow-
is joy found.

Never in vain hopings
in vanity
in vaunting
or wishing or pretending
or dreaming
but here. Now.

Never in saying
it was not my fault
it shouldn't have been
I couldn't help it
but I meant
but he didn't
but you don't understand.

Never
there.
Only here
in the painful light
of my own sin
accepted
seen in it's ugliness
repented
forgiven
(forgiveness hurts)

let me turn
seeking nothing
asking nothing
here
only here
in the longed for
Word.

Only now can I say
I love you.

Randomly noting 2 years...

Tomorrow marks my 2nd anniversary as a blogger:)...it just about slipped up on me...checked the date of my 1st post...and...bingo...saw that, indeed, tonight completes another year.

I've definitely been a blog-neglector lately! My friend Becca imagined her blog in "lonely" mode...but I imagine this blog as having very much enjoyed these sparse days..."whew...that crazy girl has quit spewing out her thoughts on me...so embarrassing when she does that!"

It's not that I've not been doing any thinking or pondering or the like...just that most of it has been rather too weighty to publish....too sad, too controversial, too exhausting.

And then there's the facebook diversion...fun, sweet, silly, ultimately...easier. I know I'm not a great writer simply by the fact that I seem to have no great need to do it....sometimes there's the urge, but I sense it's the connecting part I like best......and some things are just too tough to write about anyway.

But they've changed up fb a little today...not enough that it should matter to even pseudo-ocd types like me:)...but enough of a change to maybe drive me back into the arms of Blogger a little....

I'm not that good at fb anyway....(although I do love it)...i'm too wordy...not concise in any sense of the word, not witty...very random and too "big-picture" thinking to put clear thoughts into just a few words....

2009 has been BUSY thus far....and has held some really good moments....but has taken a deep plunge into quietness....(too many reasons why to explain here)....and then there's the dip into tiredness and some sadness after a glorious "girlfriends reunion" last weekend...(see Julia's blog for an awesome summing up of that...)

(Here we all are in Tn. , in case you haven't seen it on fb:)

So tonight...i'm layin low....trying to build up some stamina to face the next few months....with some sense of discipline and purpose. I just took a long bath and read "The Year of Living Biblically" (Jacobs) whilst in the tub...(see, I wouldn't say that on fb:) I recommend both (the long bath and the book:) And I'm slinking back into blogger world...is anyone out there still?....is there still room for verbose, unclear, emotive thinking aloud?....

I'll end with this wonderful prayer I saw on another blog...it's how I'm feeling....my need for more openness to uncertainty...more relying on grace as I honestly grapple with some things (that probably won't ever see the light of day here on blogger OR fb....)

• "May all your expectations be frustrated; may all your plans be thwarted; may all your desires be withered into nothingness....that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child; and sing and dance in the poverty of God; Who is the Father, Son and Spirit. Amen." Brennan Manning

"Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Shine Your face upon this house tonight.
Let no evil come into my dreams;
Light of heaven, keep me in Your peace.

Remind me how You made dark spirits flee,
And spoke Your power to the raging sea.
And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man;
Remind me, Jesus, this is what I am.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls,
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me, and bind me . . . .

With all my heart I love You, Sovereign Lord.
Tomorrow, let me love You even more.
And rise to speak the goodness of Your name
Until I close my eyes and sleep again.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls,
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me, and bind me . . . .

Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Hold my hand and keep me through this night."

(Fernando Ortego)

************

"What happens to all my prayers — those that are not answered, and those that seem to make things worse...? Surely they are still sustaining me. Perhaps there will be unexpected answers to them, answers I may not even be aware of for years. I cannot believe they are wasted or lost. I do not know where they have gone, but I believe God holds them, hand outstretched to receive them like precious pearls."

(Madeleine L’Engle: Cries from the Heart)

"With All My Heart"

If you know me well or have spent any time visiting us, you probably know about my mother's fondness for "routine" (it is mostly a brain thing, but we won't go into that now....) One way that shows itself is by her frequently saying (mainly) to my Dad but (also) to me not just "I love you"....but "I love you with all my heart!" (what a good routine!)

now...I would say that always my family has been "above average" in showing and expressing Love....what a gift! But this "with all my heart" stuff started after the stroke, and I'm actually not sure just how it started. But now she says it, writes it, is insistent upon it!:) (and we reciprocate...!) Mom is not deterred by the ribbing from her sister (Aunt Carolyn gets quite the kick out of it, even though Mom sometimes deems to use the salutation with her!) or her cousins.

So, pretty recently we've added a new part: I'll say...."how is that possible...how can you say that to me, and then turn right around and say it to Dad?!" She'll say: "It just is!"

Maybe that's the thing about the heart.....it really does have the capacity to expand, give, grow, take....without measure....if we let it.

Oh, how much I learn from observing my parents....about sacrificial Love, about truly Seeing another through Eyes of love and acceptance. How very blessed we are.

I think of a quote I 1st saw on the desk of a secretary at one of the "therapy" places I worked:

• Carson McCullers: "The hearts of small children are delicate organs. A cruel beginning in this world can twist them into curious shapes. The heart of a hurt child can shrink so that forever afterward it is hard and pitted as the seed of a peach. Or, again, the heart of such a child may fester and swell until it is misery to carry within the body, easily chafed and hurt by the most ordinary things."

Wow...how good (and if you've ever worked with truly damaged souls you know just how true it is) and wow, pretty depressing compared to the sunnier stuff I was saying! But this is the reality, whether it's pretty or not: we all have the potential for great love or great hurt...things will come, "stuff" will happen, our hearts may or may not become scarred. Likely, our hearts will break...over and over again (and if that happens, we may actually become useable people...).

"Lord, Help us to have Open Hearts, Open Eyes that see ourselves and others through your grace and with your love."

This Valentine's Day Week (and esp. with all the sad stuff that keeps happening) I say to all of you:

• "Love you with all My Heart!":) ♥

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

• I like this quote that I read today...so is the sun out for you today? Literally and figuratively, it is pretty cloudy here....

• I'm feeling sad about somewhat losing the "will to blog".... I miss it and feel frustrated that I've let FB crowd it out...not that it's a huge loss or anything...but still. And I think I won't share my posts on FB anymore...no real reason...just think maybe the two worlds are best kept apart....

• We're in "revival"...it's going well...I'm glad we're having it (esp. since it's my uncle that's here!) but I can hardly take in the spiritual renewal for feeling so tired out from all that must be done to get us all there every night...and in a decent spirit to do the music...

• I'm learning that sometimes I can hardly take on one more thing....stresses me out too much...I don't think that's complaining...just the truth.

• I'm just exhausted with a whole bunch of things...maybe the sun will be shining more brightly tomorrow....i have faith that it will!....but tonight I'm going to get a good long sleep...and not beat myself up for not magically having more energy...Love to all my blogger friends..... the few...the proud!:)

• "Holding the Memory of You"
• (Kelly Willard...lyrics and music)

• I'm holding the memory of You
• Close Inside my heart
• Especially when I have to look
• in the face of life's realities
• I'm holding the memory of You...
• Jesus, You are
• my only hope
• You help me
• make it through another day...
• Jesus, You are
• my only strength
• And whenever I lose my way
• Show me a glimpse of Your lovely face
• And all that Your name really means
• You're always so gentle with me
• So I'm holding the memory of You
• Holding the memory of You...

Bull?

So...a great subject...right? And it came from a lofty place: the promos for BW's interview with Patrick Swazy. The poor man has very serious cancer and was expressing his lack of tolerance for a lot of "bull" in his life. I know what he means.....

The farther I get on this journey (both of long term crisis/illness and of faith itself) the less stomach I have for very much "bull". Just can't take it. Overly silly things like excessive self-interest, self-righteousness, disrespectful attitudes, relationship politics, or game playing. Time is too short...there are too many real needs...just too much that deserves my energy to waste time frittering it among the weeds.

My good pastor has been admonishing us at the start of the year to evaluate our spiritual progress. An important thing to do. I am realizing that what may look like progress to one may look pretty different to another. And...what may look like regression could very well be progress. If I am truly progressing in a God-honoring direction, won't there actually be a falling away...a leaving behind....of some of the things that might have seemed pretty important in the past?

I want to know the difference. I want to hold onto what is important and let go of what is not. I want this year, this life to reflect Christ. Not a flawed perception of Him...not the perceptions set by others. I want to realize anew that it is His Strength that is perfect...mine never will be. My efforts are small in the light of His grace. I want to live and better share that grace (even let it cover what I label as "bull"!)

As I have pondered these admittedly scattered thoughts tonight (somewhere along the way they DO make sense to me!!) I read the following quote from Jenell Williams Paris on her blog. It doesn't necessarily match exactly with what I've said here, but I like it alot!

• "Churches organize people, funds, help, and childcare, and it's great when they do it well. But they also organize our identities, encouraging us to perceive ourselves and to project a public self that is (among other things) saved or damned, good or bad, or on the path or straying. That kind of organizational discourse is not helpful -- a person could be in good standing within the discourse yet be rotten in their heart, and vice versa (the wine and the wineskins). A person could spend their entire spiritual journey positioning and repositioning herself in a temporal social discourse. Even if the words are big ones like "Christian", "saved", "moral", or "sanctified", they're still just words. I want to pursue the God beyond discourse, the experience of the truth to which those big words refer. I can, and I will, but how much more wonderful if church could support the journey......Maybe we should be clear about what we're trying to do in church -- when we're organizing people and resources, let's do it well. But when it comes to personal identity, maybe Jesus' admonition to judge not (Sermon on the Mount) could first be applied to the self. We need to live our lives, and the living will be so much more clear and joyful if judgments are released. The pursuit of truth and morality could be so much more pure if one were not at the same time pursuing eternal self-interest."

*(and just to be clear, i do feel positive about the spiritual leadership of my own church...but I like how she assesses spiritual games in general and the inherent risks...yes, I'm paranoid!)