Pool Update...

Several have wondered about our "pool therapy" experience. If you remember, this has been an attempt to deal w/less therapy options and has been Mom and I working on our own. (It is an independent, "wellness" program.) On the positive side, we have not drowned!!:) and I'm sure there have been some benefits for Mom in the exercise and activity. Also, we have been grateful for the sweet helpfulness of the young woman who is over the program and has known us for several years. On the whole, this has been a difficult, exhausting endeavor....and it's doubtful how much we are actually accomplishing. I am very aware that I am NOT a therapist! (physical at least!) But working in this way with Mom (if anything) has made me more aware of her extreme awareness/sensory limitations and just how confusing new tasks are for her. She has been a trooper and has enjoyed meeting the other "pool participants"! Thankfully, this next week will be our last for awhile!! Very thankfully, we plan to begin physical therapy again (with a REAL therapist!) in early April and do that for several weeks as possible. Mom continues to need all the prayer support she can get! Thanks for your concern.

3/28 Update: Things went better today!

Timorous?...

Timorous: Full of apprehensiveness; timid.

Today I heard this not very often used word applied to the current US approach to diplomatic dealings with China; specifically related to this whole debacle with the Olympics. That's about right...definitely not our finest hour. How ridiculous that this world event is being held in this human-rights-abusing country! And good for Steven Spielberg for removing his involvement (after much pressure.)

But moving away from this "political" topic..hearing timorous coincided with some of my recent musings...how easy it is to "feel" a lack of confidence....to experience unsteadiness of heart and self-doubt. How fragile we are....how quickly we feel "the other" if not quite fitting into that mold so easily fit into by (seemingly) everybody else! (speaking only for myself, of course!)

So then....what to do with such struggles....such realistic neediness?

Lots could be said...suggested. I will admit to thinking a bit on this lofty thought: "I have confidence in confidence alone! Besides, which you see,I have confidence in me!" :) (from The Sound of Music) Sometimes a little self-reliance goes a long way!

But then my mind moved to this more worthy truth:
Hebrews 10:19-23 "Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

Coincidentally?, my Kinlaw devotional reading focused on this idea the very time I needed it. He says: "Jesus became the sacrifice so you and I could lay down our lives as sacrifices as well. Once we have laid down ourselves, we can go inside the the veil, and Jesus himself will become our life, our joy, our glory. When Jesus has become that, you don't need anything else. It doesn't matter whether the way is easy or rough. He is enough. It doesn't matter whether He fills your hands or empties them. He is enough. It doesn't matter whether you are sick or well. He is enough. It doesn't matter whether you are living or dying. He is enough. When you enter the Holy of Holies, you do not need anything because Jesus is enough." (This Day with the Master)

Amazing! The sacrifice of Jesus and His Sufficiency....what a foundation for confidence!

Love...Easter

A Love Without Walls

"If a person has to be pleasing to me, comforting, reassuring, before I can love him, then I cannot truly love him. Not that love cannot console or reassure! But if I demand first to be reassured, I will never dare to begin loving. If a person has to be a Jew or a Christian before I can love him, then I cannot love him. If he has to be black or white before I can love him, then I cannot love him. If he has to belong to my political party or social group before I can love him, then I cannot love him. If he has to wear my kind of uniform, them my love is no longer love because it is not free: it is dictated by something outside itself. It is dominated by an appetite other than love. I love not the person but his classification, and in that I love him not as person but as a thing. I love his label which confirms me in my attachment to my own label. But in that case I do not love even myself. I value myself not for what I am, but for my label, my classification. In this way I remain at the mercy of forces outside myself, and those who seem to me to be neighbors are indeed strangers for I am first of all a stranger to myself." (Thomas Merton, Seasons of Celebration, 174.) I John 4:7-12

This passage from my Lenten reading has gripped me...I can't get away from it...I keep returning and meditating on it. Oh, to have this kind of Love!...the kind that gives mercy and sees beyond facades...that sacrifices from a pure heart...the kind that Jesus shed on us. In this Holy Week (and sadly another week of so much religious, political, and racial division in this culture), I am aware of my need....and that my only Hope is His Love. Easter Blessings!

A Year of Stories ...

"This is all part of the story about

what it has been like to be me,

and before anybody else has the chance to ask it,

I will ask it myself:

Who cares? What in the world could be less important than who I am. . .the mistakes I have made together with the occasional discoveries, the bad times and the good times, the moments of grace... But I talk about my life anyway because if, on the one hand, hardly anything could be less important, on the other hand, hardly anything else could be more important. My story is important not because it is mine, God knows, but because if I tell it anything like right, the chances are you will recognize that in many ways it is also yours. Maybe nothing is more important than that we keep track, you and I, of these stories of who we are and where we have come from and the people we have met along the way because it is precisely through these stories in all their particularity, as I have long believed and often said, that God makes himself known to each of us most powerfully and personally. If this is true, it means that to lose track of our stories is to be profoundly impoverished."

(Frederick Buechner)

It was 1 year ago today that I entered into "this blogging thing." Wow! For the most part, i think it's been really positive...rich...rewarding to connect in this way to all of you. I love having this opportunity (small as it may be) "to write", to interact with others, and to share our lives.

In the interest of not appearing "better read" than I am, I will confess that I saw this Buechner quote on another blog...I have read him but not that much...and despite searching, I have no idea what work this quote is from!! But it does so well sum up how I feel....and says it so much better than I am capable of doing.

Who cares anyway? That's just one of my issues with blogging. And why am I motivated to do this, vs. just journaling? (Of course I've always worried what would happen to the journals I've already done...thinking those should go ahead and get burned or something!!) And while I do love (like I said) this way of "connecting", in some ways I find this very sterile..."unreal"...I still much prefer old-fashioned paths to relationship...you know, talking...face-to-face if possible!

I worry that I blog too much...and wonder what am I trying to prove anyway...honestly, most of the time nothing! but still there is so much room for self-aggrandizing...too easy to only show the positive (or to the other extreme, engage in self-deprecation!)...Also too easy to be a pleaser...NOT really say what one thinks in the interest of "fitting in"...

I live a small life...constrained by both circumstances and a personality that could border too much on the introspective. Constraint is not necessarily a bad thing...and in fact has helped me realize how crucial it is to NOT be self-indulgent or self-contained, either in practical areas or in my interests. There is a big, needy world out there....really important events happening (like wars, injustices, abuses around the globe)...and plenty of worthy ideas to be examined. There are people all around me (1st but not only in my own home) that need a helping hand...(and lest I forget, the Gospel!) I want my blogging and my life to reflect these realizations!

Fun....that's what this 1st year has been!! I know I'm over-evaluating this....please continue to be patient with me!:)....I love you all and I'm so thankful for your friendships!! Leave a comment if you are so moved....but you don't have to...really!:)

Here's to a new blogging year!

New Book & CD!

*Today I was so happy to find a new devotional book for this Lenten season. I've read the same book for quite a few years (Reliving The Passion by Walter Wangerin) and love it, but decided to take a break from it this year. So, a little late, I'm starting this new one: Lent and Easter Wisdom from Thomas Merton. I'm anticipating good things from this new perspective as Easter approaches. While my intentions are really grand, sometimes beginning a whole new book can be daunting...that's one reason I so like the structure of devotionals...manageable for my overfull mind. Also was able to buy Lewis's The Great Divorce (which I've been wanting to read) for the lowest price I've seen. Happy buys!

*Point of Grace's newest CD is awesome!! (and I've never even really been a big fan). This was a great weekend bargain. I'm sure you've heard "How You Live"....that's a beautiful tearjerker. There is so much wonderful writing on this project!...and there seems to be a theme of God's promise and provision to heal our broken lives...and how that mercy and grace then affects our living. It has really ministered to me. I love these lines from "Heal the Wound" (Lagerberg/Nordeman):

"I have not lived a life that boasts of anything

I don't take pride in what I bring

But I'll build an altar with the rubble that You've found me in

And every stone will sing of what you can redeem..."

TGIF...& thoughts on cats and shrimp...

It's been a stressful week here....thankfully the pool days have gone pretty well....hard but good. (I'll not be posting lovely pics of us in our swimwear!) I'm glad it's Friday!! After feeling like Spring for a few days, we're having some more cold weather...I'm looking forward to a quiet evening of staying warm and snuggling into clean sheets tonight.

I was so amused at Charity's blog about cat-shopping, that I decided to share my own travails with that species. (well at least this recent one!) If you know me at all you know I am not an "animal lover" (mildly put). Fine for you if you are, but not so much for me! Well, for the last month or so, we have had a Black Cat skulking around the neighborhood...even at one point made a headlong dash straight towards me as I was getting home and getting out of the car. Now, cats are OK in their place, but that place is NOT dashing straight at me!....some yelling thwarted that potential assault, and things have mostly calmed down. Yesterday the blasted thing was back out on the patio, so now I am back to checking doors before opening them, as it has also seemed to want to get into the house. So annoying! And while not too superstitious, I definitely think there has been enough bad luck around here and we surely don't need black cats even hinting at more!!!:)

One consolation....at least it was a cat and not a pig yesterday....that's a whole nother story....but suffice it to say there was once an escaped pig in our backyard. Now the poor thing rests in the neighbor's freezer!! (I'm not kidding!) From that escapade, I have a great title for a children's book There's a Pig On My Patio!....but no idea for a story-line (how could the freezer ending be put nicely for children, I ask you?!) and sadly, while I love reading children's books, not a creative enough writer to do one myself. At any rate, if anyone of you from my small audience steals that title, I will sue you!!! (on this subject, I recently read the book Not A Stick (Antoinette Portis). This is a really wonderful new children's book!!)

Finally, there was a great story on npr the other evening about La. shrimper's. Take a listen. The best line from this report... "Talking about imported shrimp in South Louisiana is like talking about Toyotas in Detroit or S. Korean Steel in Pittsburgh!" Amen to that! and Yay for delicious La. shrimp! and a happy weekend to ya'll!

Monday Feelings...

Psalm 23: Shepherd Me, O God
(Marty Haugen)
"Shepherd me, O God,
beyond my wants,beyond my fears,
from death into life.
1. God is my shepherd,so nothing shall I want,
I rest in the meadows of faithfulness and love,
I walk by the quiet waters of peace.
2. Gently you raise me and heal my weary soul,
you lead me by pathways of righteousness and truth,
my spirit shall sing the music of your Name.
3. Though I should wander the valley of death,
I fear no evil,for you are at my side,
your rod and your staff,my comfort and my hope.
4. You have set me a banquet of love

in the face of hatred,
crowning me with love beyond my power to hold.
5. Surely your kindness and mercy
follow me all the days of my life;
I will dwell in the house of my God forevermore."

* feeling grateful for these words...this truth...this promise that God's presence is with me...beyond my wants, fears, hopes, disappointments, successes, beliefs, opinions, questions, confidence.

*feeling overwhelmed as I look into the week ahead...we are rejoining a "pool wellness" program this week...our "solution" to dealing with the lack of insurance coverage for needed therapy. This means i am the pseudo-physical therapist...(self: refer to Psalm 23)

*feeling aware that while we always seem to be looking for the "Happy ending" of every story, that is often not the case....the real task is appreciating His Presence in any circumstance...and seeking to keep our vision clear and open to the realities of our fallen world, both the beautiful and the distressing. (self: refer to Psalm 23...dwelling in His house is the present and future real happy ending!)

*feeling a necessary growth in my understanding that joy is possible even in tedious times. Here are some words from Dennis Kinlaw: "It is fantasy to believe that there can be any true joy in life without obligation. On occasion we may enjoy freedom from obligation, but to take our wishes seriously-as if they were possibilities for real life-is illusion, and illusion is deadly. True joys are always and only rooted in reality. Life's greatest ecstasies are found within life's most binding and sacred commitments." (This Day with the Master)