"The Woman"

(by Madeleine L'Engle)

Jesus, to the woman taken in adultery:
Go, and sin no more.

It is not
what it was
or could have been
or might have been
or should have been
or what I thought it would be
or dreamed about
or expected
or longed for
or prayed for.

It is what is.
Nowhere else but
Here. Now.
Only in the is
(not the ought)
does love grow-
is joy found.

Never in vain hopings
in vanity
in vaunting
or wishing or pretending
or dreaming
but here. Now.

Never in saying
it was not my fault
it shouldn't have been
I couldn't help it
but I meant
but he didn't
but you don't understand.

Never
there.
Only here
in the painful light
of my own sin
accepted
seen in it's ugliness
repented
forgiven
(forgiveness hurts)

let me turn
seeking nothing
asking nothing
here
only here
in the longed for
Word.

Only now can I say
I love you.

Randomly noting 2 years...

Tomorrow marks my 2nd anniversary as a blogger:)...it just about slipped up on me...checked the date of my 1st post...and...bingo...saw that, indeed, tonight completes another year.

I've definitely been a blog-neglector lately! My friend Becca imagined her blog in "lonely" mode...but I imagine this blog as having very much enjoyed these sparse days..."whew...that crazy girl has quit spewing out her thoughts on me...so embarrassing when she does that!"

It's not that I've not been doing any thinking or pondering or the like...just that most of it has been rather too weighty to publish....too sad, too controversial, too exhausting.

And then there's the facebook diversion...fun, sweet, silly, ultimately...easier. I know I'm not a great writer simply by the fact that I seem to have no great need to do it....sometimes there's the urge, but I sense it's the connecting part I like best......and some things are just too tough to write about anyway.

But they've changed up fb a little today...not enough that it should matter to even pseudo-ocd types like me:)...but enough of a change to maybe drive me back into the arms of Blogger a little....

I'm not that good at fb anyway....(although I do love it)...i'm too wordy...not concise in any sense of the word, not witty...very random and too "big-picture" thinking to put clear thoughts into just a few words....

2009 has been BUSY thus far....and has held some really good moments....but has taken a deep plunge into quietness....(too many reasons why to explain here)....and then there's the dip into tiredness and some sadness after a glorious "girlfriends reunion" last weekend...(see Julia's blog for an awesome summing up of that...)

(Here we all are in Tn. , in case you haven't seen it on fb:)

So tonight...i'm layin low....trying to build up some stamina to face the next few months....with some sense of discipline and purpose. I just took a long bath and read "The Year of Living Biblically" (Jacobs) whilst in the tub...(see, I wouldn't say that on fb:) I recommend both (the long bath and the book:) And I'm slinking back into blogger world...is anyone out there still?....is there still room for verbose, unclear, emotive thinking aloud?....

I'll end with this wonderful prayer I saw on another blog...it's how I'm feeling....my need for more openness to uncertainty...more relying on grace as I honestly grapple with some things (that probably won't ever see the light of day here on blogger OR fb....)

• "May all your expectations be frustrated; may all your plans be thwarted; may all your desires be withered into nothingness....that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child; and sing and dance in the poverty of God; Who is the Father, Son and Spirit. Amen." Brennan Manning

"Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Shine Your face upon this house tonight.
Let no evil come into my dreams;
Light of heaven, keep me in Your peace.

Remind me how You made dark spirits flee,
And spoke Your power to the raging sea.
And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man;
Remind me, Jesus, this is what I am.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls,
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me, and bind me . . . .

With all my heart I love You, Sovereign Lord.
Tomorrow, let me love You even more.
And rise to speak the goodness of Your name
Until I close my eyes and sleep again.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls,
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me, and bind me . . . .

Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Hold my hand and keep me through this night."

(Fernando Ortego)

************

"What happens to all my prayers — those that are not answered, and those that seem to make things worse...? Surely they are still sustaining me. Perhaps there will be unexpected answers to them, answers I may not even be aware of for years. I cannot believe they are wasted or lost. I do not know where they have gone, but I believe God holds them, hand outstretched to receive them like precious pearls."

(Madeleine L’Engle: Cries from the Heart)

"With All My Heart"

If you know me well or have spent any time visiting us, you probably know about my mother's fondness for "routine" (it is mostly a brain thing, but we won't go into that now....) One way that shows itself is by her frequently saying (mainly) to my Dad but (also) to me not just "I love you"....but "I love you with all my heart!" (what a good routine!)

now...I would say that always my family has been "above average" in showing and expressing Love....what a gift! But this "with all my heart" stuff started after the stroke, and I'm actually not sure just how it started. But now she says it, writes it, is insistent upon it!:) (and we reciprocate...!) Mom is not deterred by the ribbing from her sister (Aunt Carolyn gets quite the kick out of it, even though Mom sometimes deems to use the salutation with her!) or her cousins.

So, pretty recently we've added a new part: I'll say...."how is that possible...how can you say that to me, and then turn right around and say it to Dad?!" She'll say: "It just is!"

Maybe that's the thing about the heart.....it really does have the capacity to expand, give, grow, take....without measure....if we let it.

Oh, how much I learn from observing my parents....about sacrificial Love, about truly Seeing another through Eyes of love and acceptance. How very blessed we are.

I think of a quote I 1st saw on the desk of a secretary at one of the "therapy" places I worked:

• Carson McCullers: "The hearts of small children are delicate organs. A cruel beginning in this world can twist them into curious shapes. The heart of a hurt child can shrink so that forever afterward it is hard and pitted as the seed of a peach. Or, again, the heart of such a child may fester and swell until it is misery to carry within the body, easily chafed and hurt by the most ordinary things."

Wow...how good (and if you've ever worked with truly damaged souls you know just how true it is) and wow, pretty depressing compared to the sunnier stuff I was saying! But this is the reality, whether it's pretty or not: we all have the potential for great love or great hurt...things will come, "stuff" will happen, our hearts may or may not become scarred. Likely, our hearts will break...over and over again (and if that happens, we may actually become useable people...).

"Lord, Help us to have Open Hearts, Open Eyes that see ourselves and others through your grace and with your love."

This Valentine's Day Week (and esp. with all the sad stuff that keeps happening) I say to all of you:

• "Love you with all My Heart!":) ♥

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

• I like this quote that I read today...so is the sun out for you today? Literally and figuratively, it is pretty cloudy here....

• I'm feeling sad about somewhat losing the "will to blog".... I miss it and feel frustrated that I've let FB crowd it out...not that it's a huge loss or anything...but still. And I think I won't share my posts on FB anymore...no real reason...just think maybe the two worlds are best kept apart....

• We're in "revival"...it's going well...I'm glad we're having it (esp. since it's my uncle that's here!) but I can hardly take in the spiritual renewal for feeling so tired out from all that must be done to get us all there every night...and in a decent spirit to do the music...

• I'm learning that sometimes I can hardly take on one more thing....stresses me out too much...I don't think that's complaining...just the truth.

• I'm just exhausted with a whole bunch of things...maybe the sun will be shining more brightly tomorrow....i have faith that it will!....but tonight I'm going to get a good long sleep...and not beat myself up for not magically having more energy...Love to all my blogger friends..... the few...the proud!:)

• "Holding the Memory of You"
• (Kelly Willard...lyrics and music)

• I'm holding the memory of You
• Close Inside my heart
• Especially when I have to look
• in the face of life's realities
• I'm holding the memory of You...
• Jesus, You are
• my only hope
• You help me
• make it through another day...
• Jesus, You are
• my only strength
• And whenever I lose my way
• Show me a glimpse of Your lovely face
• And all that Your name really means
• You're always so gentle with me
• So I'm holding the memory of You
• Holding the memory of You...

Bull?

So...a great subject...right? And it came from a lofty place: the promos for BW's interview with Patrick Swazy. The poor man has very serious cancer and was expressing his lack of tolerance for a lot of "bull" in his life. I know what he means.....

The farther I get on this journey (both of long term crisis/illness and of faith itself) the less stomach I have for very much "bull". Just can't take it. Overly silly things like excessive self-interest, self-righteousness, disrespectful attitudes, relationship politics, or game playing. Time is too short...there are too many real needs...just too much that deserves my energy to waste time frittering it among the weeds.

My good pastor has been admonishing us at the start of the year to evaluate our spiritual progress. An important thing to do. I am realizing that what may look like progress to one may look pretty different to another. And...what may look like regression could very well be progress. If I am truly progressing in a God-honoring direction, won't there actually be a falling away...a leaving behind....of some of the things that might have seemed pretty important in the past?

I want to know the difference. I want to hold onto what is important and let go of what is not. I want this year, this life to reflect Christ. Not a flawed perception of Him...not the perceptions set by others. I want to realize anew that it is His Strength that is perfect...mine never will be. My efforts are small in the light of His grace. I want to live and better share that grace (even let it cover what I label as "bull"!)

As I have pondered these admittedly scattered thoughts tonight (somewhere along the way they DO make sense to me!!) I read the following quote from Jenell Williams Paris on her blog. It doesn't necessarily match exactly with what I've said here, but I like it alot!

• "Churches organize people, funds, help, and childcare, and it's great when they do it well. But they also organize our identities, encouraging us to perceive ourselves and to project a public self that is (among other things) saved or damned, good or bad, or on the path or straying. That kind of organizational discourse is not helpful -- a person could be in good standing within the discourse yet be rotten in their heart, and vice versa (the wine and the wineskins). A person could spend their entire spiritual journey positioning and repositioning herself in a temporal social discourse. Even if the words are big ones like "Christian", "saved", "moral", or "sanctified", they're still just words. I want to pursue the God beyond discourse, the experience of the truth to which those big words refer. I can, and I will, but how much more wonderful if church could support the journey......Maybe we should be clear about what we're trying to do in church -- when we're organizing people and resources, let's do it well. But when it comes to personal identity, maybe Jesus' admonition to judge not (Sermon on the Mount) could first be applied to the self. We need to live our lives, and the living will be so much more clear and joyful if judgments are released. The pursuit of truth and morality could be so much more pure if one were not at the same time pursuing eternal self-interest."

*(and just to be clear, i do feel positive about the spiritual leadership of my own church...but I like how she assesses spiritual games in general and the inherent risks...yes, I'm paranoid!)