Worship Dilemmas

I am struggling to reconcile all of the styles of worship in which I participate as well as all of my personal opinions and preferences about worship. (and i know that's all they are....just opinions and preferences:) All of the details associated with church services can get a little tricky, and can contribute to losing focus on the point of it all....truly Worshiping God. And frankly, sometimes I am conflicted about how worshiping Him is best accomplished. Sometimes it seems we find it difficult to strike a happy balance between God-focus and self-focus. Both are needed. Trying to make all of the pieces of this puzzle fit together can leave me feeling frustrated...pressured. Unfortunately, I can find myself being less of a Lover of God than I want to be...or, more importantly, than I am called to be. There are no quick fixes for this discussion I am having in my head...I know that. But, somehow, I think some of the answers to these (shall we say) "worship dilemmas" may be found in the words of this old hymn we sang this morning:

Sitting At The Feet Of Jesus

"Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
Oh, what words I hear Him say!
Happy place! so near, so precious!
May it find me there each day.
Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
I would look upon the past;
For His love has been so gracious,
It has won my heart at last.

Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
Where can mortal be more blest?
There I lay my sins and sorrows
And, when weary, find sweet rest.
Sitting at the feet of Jesus,
There I love to weep and pray,
While I from His fullness gather
Grace and comfort every day.

Bless me, O my Savior, bless me,
As I sit low at Thy feet.
Oh, look down in love upon me;
Let me see Thy face so sweet.
Give me, Lord, the mind of Jesus;
Make me holy as He is.
May I prove I’ve been with Jesus,
Who is all my righteousness."
(J.H./Asa Hull)

Bread Pudding....and Gingersnaps....

kind of a strange title...but i like the sound if it!:) i mentioned a glorious bread pudding on fb the other night..and somehow gingersnap cookies and their pumpkin dip jumped into the conversation too; so i am posting the requested recipes here..it's just easier.

Ah....food...what a wonderful, comforting, beautiful pleasure of life. No wonder it's so often a part of relationships & of both good and bad times. I loved Paul Child's quote to Julia: "You are the butter to my bread and the breath to my life" (from Julie and Julia). Sweet.

And not to go completely off the deep end, food can even be spiritual....scriptures and whole books have been devoted to that analogy. How clever of the Lord to speak in a language we understand...cause, man do i ever understand food!:) but Seriously, what a blessing....that our God created these fleshly enjoyments.....and (i think) enjoys when we enjoy them! "For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." (Psalm 107:9)

But....i do SERIOUSLY intend to attack these stubborn, insidious 10lbs...there's been a bit too much enjoyment around here lately! my efforts will start next week...after Labor Day....i will bring the exerciser back in the house:)...now that I've written it for the "world" to see maybe I'll actually do it....

~The Recipes~

Gingersnaps

2/3 c .vegetable oil
1/2 t. salt
1 c . sugar
2 t. baking soda
1 egg
1 t. ground cinnamon
1/4 c. molasses (or honey)
1 t. ground ginger
2 c. all-purpose flour
(small amt of sugar in bowl)

Combine oil & 1 cup sugar in bowl;
Add eggs and beat well.
Stir in molasses or honey.
Combine flour, salt, soda, cinn., & ginger;
Add to molasses mixture - stirring to mix.
Roll dough into 1-inch balls; roll each in sugar bowl.
Place 2 inches apart on a greased cookie sheet or stone.
Bake at 350 degrees for 10 - 12 minutes

Pumpkin Dip
(from Heather D.)

1 8oz. cream cheese
1 15 oz can pumpkin pie mix
2 cups powered sugar
1/2 to 1 t. cinnamon
1/4 to 1/2 ginger
Mix together. Will be "runny". Store in fridge.

~these cookies work great for Mom and me to do together. We don't always have the dip/ sometimes we dip half of the cookie in white chocolate then sprinkle on sparklies. The plain cookies are just fine , too!

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White Chocolate Peach Bread Pudding

13-15 pieces of sliced white bread

1 lb. frozen peaches, thawed & cut

1 cup heavy cream

2 cups milk

1/4 cup butter, cut up

2 oz. Baker’s white chocolate, chopped

3 eggs

1 1/2 cups sugar

1teaspoon almond extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Tear bread into pieces in a large (9 x 13) sprayed baking dish. Sprinkle peaches over bread. Heat cream, milk and butter in the microwave until hot and butter melts. Stir in chopped white chocolate until melted and pour over bread and peaches. In a separate bowl, whisk together eggs, sugar and almond extract. Pour over bread mixture and gently stir in. Bake about 45 minutes. Serve topped with White Chocolate Sauce. (serves 8-10)

White Chocolate Sauce:

4 oz. Baker’s white chocolate, chopped

1/2 cup heavy cream Heat cream in the microwave until boiling. Whisk in white chocolate until combined. Drizzle over bread pudding. (i did this in a little pot and added a little butter to it...that makes a nice consistency)

~i did not use peaches!! i used a bag of white chocolate chips...1/2 for the bread pudding and 1/2 for the sauce. i used plain ole bread. i used a little more of just regular skim milk than the heavy cream...next time i plan to dilute even more. This is rich but incredible stuff!! a couple of ladies in our church make this recipe and I'm so glad they shared it with me. I hope ya'll enjoy these recipes, too!

Summer Moments

lovely produce....

VBS....
Kayla and her family were here:).......we went to see the alligators!
...my favorite photo from a big family gathering in Tulsa; sweet times...
"Father's Day 2009"
so very special for Sonja to come for a visit....
"We have this moment to hold in our hands, And to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday’s gone, And tomorrow may never come, But we have this moment today." (Gaither)

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"Moments of Insight"

~ wondering about the disturbing lack of appropriate shame i'm observing...there seems to be an alarming tendency to self-defend & cloak problems vs. living honestly. (i'm thinking that this lack is at the root of many problems...not a cheery or new idea, but one thing i'm thinking on...)

~ realizing the harm done when we build walls of self-protection, when we operate from a lack of confidence....A little of that is healthy & sometimes the cause lies outside of ourselves; but doubting others (ourselves?) can cause misunderstandings...

~ knowing grace; believing the best truth about those we love....choosing to let down those self-protective walls and experience the surprise of acceptance...

~ thinking a lot about the "identity badges" we wear & cling to so fiercely. (thought i was a little "above" this pitfall...admitting: not so much!)

~ trusting that the possibility for redemptive change really DOES always exist (sometimes i doubt that...)

Finding these words to be encouraging:

"How can someone ever trust in the existence of an unconditional divine love when most, if not all, of what he or she has experienced is the opposite of love?~They are not condemned to be victims! There remains within them, hidden as it may be, the possibility to choose love.~By choosing love they become witnesses not only to human resiliency but also to the divine love that transcends all human loves. Those who choose, even on a small scale, to love in the midst of hatred and fear are the people who offer true hope to our world." (Henri Nouwen)

weakness....

Definition: An Achilles’ heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength.

I've been contemplating this interaction between weakness and strength...

how usually there is a relationship between the character traits and innate personality composition that define the very best if who we are.....and the traits which seem to lead to our undoing...

I've observed much...thought about what I see in others...

but (while interesting) how beneficial is such an exercise?

what I am focusing more on is this question: What is my Achilles' Heel? (or...horrors!...maybe that should be plural!)

it seems as if some people can go an entire life...doing much, saying much...but lacking awareness of their greatest needs. ~ I very much do not want that to happen in my life.

I think I have a fairly clear picture of myself....good and bad.

And I'm aware that over self-evaluation can be somewhat self-indulgent, self-centered...distracting from the very important needs that surround us. Still, tending to the soul is a task that never should end.

So I am asking the Lord to show me more...open the eyes of my heart. I believe only He is able to accurately increase my vision...clearly, I need plenty grace and mercy along this path.

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this past Sunday I was privileged to hear my cousin Jamey preach a powerful sermon...in essence, evaluating the soil of the heart in sharing and receiving the Gospel. One phrase that so stood out and has stayed with me goes something like this "God doesn't build ponds of grace"...Grace is better pictured as a gushing, alive waterforce that breaks through the rocky, shallow, broken areas of our hearts. It is transformational and dynamic....it prepares the way. (i am likely grossly misrepresenting this truth that Jamey communicated so well!) This is the Grace I need. I sense the waves of change and doubt around me...Who will I be, How will I react in the storm? (and isn't there pretty much always a storm approaching, if we are honest?)

How very thankful I am for this endless stream of grace...it supports in new times of self-discovery...it changes what is wrong, what is weak...if I allow it to flow. That is my desire.

"The cleansing stream I see, I see...I plunge and oh it cleanseth me!" (Phoebe Palmer)

(Ansel Adams, Nevada Falls)

But In Other News...

Because I am blogging so infrequently these days...i find when I come to this page that I feel the urge to say something "Important"...that's always a dangerous impulse! And a pretty self-exalting one....so I will resist! There are many mind-boggling worries plaguing my mind these days....too many to share and frankly too many uncertainties for my small mind to handle...aarrgghh!!!!

But in other news:

~my Mom has been receiving some free facial reflexology...my massage therapist (and I use that term loosely since I've sadly only had ONE massage from her this year) recently went to a training on this fairly new technique,and wanted to practice on my Mom. I doubt that the results will amount to a hill of beans, but it is making Mom feel pampered and encouraged...that is good enough for me and we are thankful!

~same said therapist informed me at my massage on Sat. (where I once again discovered how very beat up my poor body is...and how close to the surface my emotions are...) that I probably should NOT be doing push-ups....unbelievably, I had been doing them regularly....but they are working the wrong muscles. So I will start using 5lbs weights when I do the elliptical machine...in no time I will have Michelle Obama arms...just wait and see....(below is me with some bday flowers pre-exercised, quasi-MO arms:)

~in pursuit of relaxation, I have been enjoying my eucalyptus-spearmint soothing sugar scrub...i love how it smells...between my buff arms and this pleasant aroma, I am a force to be reckoned with:) {the scrub was a gift from my friend Jen....mentioning her 2 posts in a row is a shameless attempt to get her blogging again...Jenny, we miss you!}

~I've had the best read recently: A Walk with Jane Austen by Lori Smith. This is a terrific book....esp. if you are an Austen fan...and if you happen to be a "single"...(both of which I am!)....stumbling on this book was a nice surprise...and perfect timing for my current ponderings...it has been a blessing for me, and I highly recommend it! Actually, I've been on somewhat of an Austen binge...reading....watching the dvds...so very fun. My favorite line from Smith: "If I could manage to fall in love without having to actually meet someone, that would be ideal." (see, that would just look so pathetic if I put it on fb!)

~another new quote that I'm loving comes from a book my cousin Rhonda sent me for my bday (Singular Existence by Leslie Talbot). I do not agree with all the views of this book, but this quote just kills me and (probably unfortunately) very much describes me: "I'm one of those people who are prone to "oversharing". Not in the spill your guts and pour your heart out to strangers kind of way, but more in the "this is how I feel; what do you mean you're offended by it?" kind of way." I'm, um, workin on this quality....

~I looked into my DSM-IV this evening...hadn't done that in awhile...so that was interesting, and made me realize how much I've forgotten....

~I've been listening to the old Steve Green Cd of Scripture songs for children..what a treasure. The sweetness of The Word truly shines a light of truth...drawing me into the comfort and pursuit of His will. I never want to let life's realities distract me from that path...i'm striving to pray more...and listen more.

~ I've also been listening alot to Brent V.'s "If You Seek Me".....very calming to me. The truth that God hears and heals us never fails to amaze me. But I've been asking myself..."Am I really seeking Him?"....times are exhausting....very many very real needs require just about all the energy I can muster....yet, how much more must I turn to truly seek Him for true wisdom and joy. But I want to balance that needed Self-focus with a very thorough Focus on the sufficiency of His Love...."For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38 (ASV)

a small life

This afternoon I got out my book "Horton Hears a Who!" (by Dr. Seuss of course!)...been thinking of it and just needed to read it again...and it prompted me to write out these very much random thoughts.

(an aside: it was a birthday gift from my dear friend Jenny back in 1996!!!...man, we're getting old!)

I've been thinking of this idea...what living a small life means:

• ~i think about it when i see or hear pictures from wonderful trips...by nature I'm a "goer" and I do an awful lot of "staying" these days.
• ~i think about it when I read about big cities, with exciting things, cool restaurants, great culture.
• ~i think about it when I hear of other's great "accomplishments"...it strikes me how easy it is to define "success" by numbers or bigness or "perfection" (whatever that is) or showiness. Hmmm, it that really success?
• ~i think about it even when hearing of the more "normal" joys and struggles of living...those that occur in career, family, society...that merry-go-round of life that I find myself not riding.

But, truly, I know how blessed I am...I have been able to travel around a fair bit, have done some pretty exciting things, have accomplished a few things, and have some people in my life who really do care about me...and...(despite or perhaps through the smallness of my life) I am at peace....I am clear on what I value and Who values me.

That sounds lofty, doesn't it? Other times I feel like the Whoville people crying out in fear, in need of rescue:

• "we are here! we are here! we are here!"

Cause that's also the very real reality...the daily smallness of this current life of mine is pretty unnoticeable...and sometimes insanely and boringly repetitive.

But here's the truth:
"A person's a person, no matter how small!"
That applies to me, to my dear parents, ....and to you! We matter...the little, unexciting details of our lives matter. We matter to God, and (we should) matter to one another. I've been trying to look at even the most hopeless of folks with eyes of grace open to their true, Divinely given potential...not just focusing on their visible mistakes and tragedies. It upsets me so much to see the heartbreak of others...and I can only imagine how much pain it brings the Father.

"A person's a person no matter how small!"....that's not true because Dr. Seuss wrote it...it's true because God believes it....and showed it. Jen's Bday note in my book included this Scripture reference:
Proverbs 31:8-9 (The Message) "Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. Speak out for justice! Stand up for the poor and destitute!"

I want to better live that in my own life...and for the lives of those around me.

"The Woman"

(by Madeleine L'Engle)

Jesus, to the woman taken in adultery:
Go, and sin no more.

It is not
what it was
or could have been
or might have been
or should have been
or what I thought it would be
or dreamed about
or expected
or longed for
or prayed for.

It is what is.
Nowhere else but
Here. Now.
Only in the is
(not the ought)
does love grow-
is joy found.

Never in vain hopings
in vanity
in vaunting
or wishing or pretending
or dreaming
but here. Now.

Never in saying
it was not my fault
it shouldn't have been
I couldn't help it
but I meant
but he didn't
but you don't understand.

Never
there.
Only here
in the painful light
of my own sin
accepted
seen in it's ugliness
repented
forgiven
(forgiveness hurts)

let me turn
seeking nothing
asking nothing
here
only here
in the longed for
Word.

Only now can I say
I love you.