~Committed~

I have been reading a book called Committed (a Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage) by Elizabeth Gilbert. If you're not familiar with Ms. Gilbert she gained fame with her book Eat, Pray, Love. Both books are debatable in their worthiness and in their worldviews (not the same as mine), and i am certainly not recommending that you run out and get them (i just checked them out at the library...yay for libraries!). I'm liking Committed more....Eat, Pray, Love has some significantly silly sections....(in my humble opinion!)

at any rate, this is not a book report...but i am enjoying this book...very interesting to learn different cultural views on marriage...and frankly, refreshing to read some views on women that are not run of the mill nor as foolishly written as some of the other things in print these days (i'll stop there!:)...but which still celebrate love and marriage and commitment.

anyway, i'm writing this little post because i'm in a "Mother's Day" frame of mind. It's in a few days, you know. Over the last few years in Internet-world i've written a few words about my precious Mom. For the most part...i find words inadequate...it's living life together that helps me understand and love and appreciate my Mom more...and more.

~still one of my most favorite photos of us~"Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear of God. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!" (Proverbs 31)

I think there are many things we women aspire to be...many of them important and some of them aspects of our God-created personalities. All of our varying roles (and our knowledge that, most of all, our lives must be acceptable to God) require our commitment and our very best efforts. But...i think in the end...once the role of Motherhood has been entered into...that role-commitment has to trump all others. I am in awe of my own Mother and of so many other Mothers who so beautifully shine in their grace and commitment in shaping the lives of their children.

In her forward to Committed, Gilbert makes a dedication to the important women in her life and uses this line:
~"It has been an education and a comfort just to have them in the room."~ and that's how i feel....so very blessed by the many lovely, smart, engaging, and committed women who have impacted me and made me better....just by their presence in the living room of my life.

~my mom and a few cousins on Lake Pontchartrain~

~a few of my best girlfriends...some incredible Moms in this group!~

*these pics are certainly not representative of all of the important women in my life...just a few of them...and these pics were easily accessible on this computer:)

"April Rain"

Today marked the 10th anniversary of my Mom's stroke...pretty unbelievable...and yet, in some ways it seems every bit that long...

lots of things could be said...but i'm not feeling all that wordy tonight (shocking, i know:)...and neither am i feeling all that dramatic (yes, also shocking:).

a couple of nights ago, we 'marked' the occasion by having a few special friends over for dinner. It was a good night.

my day of 'extremely organized' preparation for the dinner was marred by a meltdown when the garbage disposal acted up...spewed over my clean kitchen...and required repair and added cleaning...but we won't go into all the details of that!!:):) the one observation i'll allow myself is that yes, this sort of catastrophe in the middle of a perfectly organized, normal day is pretty representative of our story....and of many stories. yes, my own actions helped make it happen...but mostly it was random...unpredictable...and i had to figure out how to cope...how to not lose my mind while i cleaned up the mess...

So...i'm not exactly feeling in a 'celebratory' mood....but rather thoughtful...and thankful. With these lovely flowers, i gave my Mom a copy of the poem "April Showers"...i like it...learned of it in highschool, after a tragic death of a student. There will always be showers....but there will also ALWAYS be enough beauty and grace and love to see us through the showers.

The card we gave Mom simply says: Courage~Strength~Hope....that so describes how she has lived these last 10 years.

~'Tis Grace hath brought us safe so far....and Grace will lead us home.'~

"April Rain"
(Robert Loveman)

It is not raining rain for me,
It’s raining daffodils;
In every dimpled drop I see
Wild flowers on the hills.
The clouds of gray engulf the day
And overwhelm the town;
It is not raining rain to me,
It’s raining roses down.
It is not raining rain to me,
But fields of clover bloom,
Where any buccaneering bee
Can find a bed and room.
A health unto the happy,
A fig for him who frets!
It is not raining rain to me,
It’s raining violets."

I shared this note (with a few slight differences) over on FB a couple of nights ago. Partially, i'm posting it here since i so dislike how things disappear on FB. I'm still troubled by the transient nature of things over there (i know that's silly!!)...here things seem to stick a little longer. So many kind comments were left on that note...i so appreciate those words of support so very much...my Mom and Dad read them too, and were also touched. I am very aware that the prayers of many friends and family is one of the reasons we are as "OK" as we are...most importantly, "we have the Lord" (as Mom said to one of my aunts today)....we are grateful. I am also aware that for every good thing that has happened there are a host of conflicting dynamics and emotions that may not be openly discussed. I am certainly not perfect...not necessarily sacrificial...not necessarily "good" at all. but we are doing the best we can...again, i say...we are grateful.

Pursuing...

Pursue ~ is a strange word. Saying it feels a little funny. Thinking on it is a bit confusing. Doing it...that is where the real trouble starts.

to pursue~to follow, seek, persist....

i have come to the conclusion that i am very bad at pursuing...

in fact, i'm so bad at it that i pretty much refuse to do it....
i'll run very far away from anything that remotely hints of it...

i see a lot of pursuing happening in love relationships...i guess that has to happen, or there would never be a relationship. Like in most things, i think i have an unreasonably high standard here. As "liberal minded" as i can be on some role specification sort of issues...i still tend to think that the guy should do the pursuing (call me old fashioned!) i'd be hard-pressed to prove why this is the case...custom if nothing else. But it's my observation that as "traditional" as some portray themselves as being, there's an awful lot of rash pursuing of men by some (otherwise) pretty prim and proper women.

ah, this could be a dangerous topic:) and i guess it is not my place to comment on what (to me) seem like some rather inconsistent and troubling mating practices!! at any rate, whatever my own strategy is, it is clearly failing!!:) This is not the place for extensive self analyzing, but i wonder if my refusal to pursue actually leads to refusing to participate in the dance...is it pride? is it self-reliance...disregard? hmmm...

What is more importantly troubling to me is if this tendency affects my spiritual journey. In other words, do i refuse to pursue my relationship with God. Am i proud...do i rely too much on myself...do i disregard the importance of this most important relationship? If not downright refuse, do I not take it seriously?

Or...do i disregard His interest in me...somehow do i not see His care, His concern, His love...His pursuing...

in either case, the end result could be...a diminishing of relationship...

a couple of writers have spoken to me on this issue:

Brennan Manning: "The Tremendous Lover, in the words of Francis Thompson, has pursued us relentlessly and declared Himself without reservation. "As the Father has loved Me so I have loved you. Live on in My love."
[The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus]

A. W. Tozer:"Let us say it again: The universal Presence is a fact. God is here. The whole universe is alive with His life. And He is no strange or foreign God, but the familiar Father of our Lord Jesus Christ whose love has for these thousands of years enfolded the sinful race of men. And always He is trying to get our attention, to reveal Himself to us, to communicate with us. We have within us the ability to know Him if we will but respond to His overtures. (And this we call pursuing God!) We will know Him in increasing degree as our receptivity becomes more perfect by faith and love and practice." [The Pursuit of God]

lots to think on...

i know the comparison of relationship pursuing and spiritual pursuing might be kinda silly and certainly does not hold up to all possible logical conclusions...but for some reason, it's what i'm thinking on...another picture i think God is showing me of my heart. i know these thoughts are pretty fumbling....unclear. i think the intersection of how our personalities and our spirituality meets sometimes is that...unclear. But i want to understand how it...how i....how He...fits it all together. What i want to be a clear reality in my life is that i am a pursuer of God...and that i am a responder to Him. This is the one relationship in which i cannot fail.

He is Faithful...

He persists...

He seeks...

I must Follow.

Lamb of Glory

"Precious Lamb of Glory" (Greg Nelson/Phil McHugh)

Hear the story from God's Word
that Kings and priests and prophets heard;
There would be a sacrifice
and blood would flow to pay sin's price.

(Chorus)
Precious Lamb of Glory,
Loves' most wondrous story,
Heart of God's redemption of man.
Worship the Lamb of Glory.

On the cross God loved the world,
While all the powers of hell were hurled.
No one there could understand
The one they saw was Christ, the Lamb.

"Worthy is the Lamb who was slain To receive power and riches and wisdom, And strength and honor and glory and blessing!" (Rev. 5:12)

Seeing...Knowing...Telling

{i originally wrote this post 2 weeks ago but have hesitated to "publish" it...i wrote it after hearing Anderson Cooper (on Charlie Rose) talk about "seeing, and knowing, and telling" all he has experienced in the Haitian Earthquake disaster. Those words just struck me...and have stuck with me. I don't often "obsess" over this blog...i mean, come on, it's a pretty small audience, right:) But i've learned when my "gut" tells me to hesitate...then i probably should. My original words were a rather fragmented jumble of thoughts about 2 very different processes: politics and personal caregiving. oh yes, i somehow 'cleverly' weaved them together...(haha!)...but the end result was still pretty...convoluted! So...here's what survives....a few thoughts about how i am doing the best i can to 'be real' about a fairly difficult set of life circumstances....trying to live honestly and openly : not giving into the temptation to be a pretender...but also not jumping into the ditch of bitterness and self-obsession. i hope whoever reads this can be patient with my heart & with the structure of this post (remember half of it has been deleted!!) Also, be thankful that you're not seeing that 1st draft:)}

Here's my struggle: I've been thinking about all the things i have seen and come to know over the past almost-10 years of this caregiving journey. Sometimes i wonder if i've really learned anything at all!! I know that i rarely tell what i've seen and known and learned. Often when i do share, i feel a pressure to end up on a positive note...to assure anyone listening that "everything's fine"...really...really it is.

sometimes, that's just not the Truth...so i quit Telling.

similarly to how i sometimes feel when i fail to speak up in political discussions, i find myself in a dishonest spot. Not discussing these caregiving issues and emotions that make up the majority of my life kinda creates a barrier to genuine relationships; creates a temptation to self-protect and over-guard words.

but here lies the other issue: I'm never quite sure how much appetite most folks have for entering into such complex life realities. (i know, i know...all of our stories are complex...but surely, some are ...more so than others?) My experience has left me unclear on how much interest there really is in participating in troubled times....especially long times of trouble. We all like pretty stories with clear endpoints...slow motion is hard to look at after awhile.

A wise friend once told me "you can't make others understand." o how true that is! but does that mean one should quit trying? I don't know. I do feel so grateful to have relationships where there is understanding...friends and family who choose to enter into the challenges of our world. I so want to serve them as well in these areas as they have served me. And perhaps it's ridiculous, but I do feel some responsibility for telling the Truth as i see it:

About the fragility and uncertainty of life....

about the calling to sacrifice even when it hurts....

about the innate worth of every single individual regardless of what he or she can or cannot contribute....

about being still and quiet with a hurting person and how that might matter more than any other skill we possess...

about how kindness and forgiveness should always be close at hand...they're always going to be necessary!...

about the rich layers & grace of living that perhaps come only through accepting responsibility, turning away from self...

about truly understanding the absolute need for humility...how futile and foolish self-reliance seems in the bright lights of tragedy and eternity...

about peace that is beyond our understanding and that no amount of our own striving can create...

Meister Eckert said “A just person is one who is conformed and transformed into justice.” I want to live and love justly. (Micah 6:8) I want to honor (not waste!) the truths i am understanding better through the realities of my life....i'm not really sure how to do that....but i have to believe that honestly voicing what i am thinking is a place to start.

All of our stories are unique...and i think the burdens are lighter and the joys more beautiful if we share them. I encourage you to tell (somebody!)....what you have seen and known.

Changing...

...it's almost the end of the 1st month of a New Year...it's been kind of an up and down sort of month...lots of 'recovery' time from the holidays (boy was i exhausted), some low moments of wondering, and some times of good thinking and reading. Breathing. Becoming.

and So Very Much has happened on the world stage and in the lives of friends and loved ones. for me, times of such intense tragedy like the Haitian Earthquake can bring feelings of overwhelming sadness. I'm pretty sure that's the 'right' response to seeing suffering of any kind. I also feel some sense of frustration that I personally can not "Do" anything seemingly worthwhile to help. I've had to remind myself that we can all be heroes in the situations we are called to....no matter how small and dispensable the dailyness of it all seems.

Self-evaluation seems like a luxury in these times. And yet, it's needed...and i've been doing a little. I have no great overcoming stories to tell....no advice to give....no big answers to my own very mixed-up small tragedies, much less yours. i'm kinda tired of the categories we make: calm/uncalm, disciplined/undisciplined, trusting/nontrusting, got it all together/got a big ole mess. To a whole range of questions i answer: "I'm just not sure!"

What i do have today in the here and now is a gratefulness for the sense i have that God is changing me, softening me, helping me. Despite my doubts about the above categories, i do know a sense of calm and trust and discipline even in a long stretch of trying times. Things are not a mess...i am at peace inside.

I've never been one to run too far away from conflict (of course sometimes just actually having an opinion outside the accepted box can paint you as conflictual...but i digress:)....but i find myself leaning way less in that direction. I'm less easily annoyed, less on-edge, more cognizant of resting in Strength that is not by own. More aware that i am Accepted, truly worthy because of grace.

Awhile back a smart theological friend familiarized me with the term 'Pelagian' and i recently ran across that word again. Brennan Manning calls it a "do-it-yourself spirituality". There's no need to explain that heresy here....but that's just what it is: heresy. It's a quietly deceptive kind of temptation, i think.

I am ever more and more aware of how much i Cannot "do it myself". I could easily match the few positives i've mentioned here with a Very Long List of negative personality needs. (like esp. needing improvement in self-discipline!) Yes, there is so much that needs more changing in me. And yet, I am grateful...i am humbled by God's goodness and faithful love to and in me.

these lyrics say it better than the words i just wrote....

"Something Changed"
(Sara Groves)

"Something changed inside me broke wide open all spilled out
Till I had no doubt that something changed
Never would have believed it till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part the healing came

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine

Something so amazing in a heart so dark and dim
When a wall falls down and the light comes in

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine"

"The Promise"

You promised
well, actually you didn't promise very much, did you?
but that little is enough
is more than enough.
We fail you
over and over again
but you promised to be faithful to us
not to let us fail
beyond your forgiveness of our failure.
In our common temptation
you promised
we would not be tempted more than we are able
you promised not to lead us into temptation
beyond our frail strength
and you
yourself
are our refuge in temptation
our escape from the pit
and that is enough
so that we can bear
more than we thought we could bear
of loneliness, nothingness, otherness,
sin, silliness, sadness.
For thine is the kingdom and the other great fors:
forbearance, forgiveness,
fortitude,
forever:
this is what you promised
it is enough
it is everything.

(by Madeleine L'Engle)