a grand little idea...

i bought this book and have started reading it this week.....and i'm enjoying it so much! i bought it on a whim for $3 at BAM....i had never heard of the author or her blog....but, out of the blue, it is triggering sort of a 

grand little idea for me...

a quick review: Wizenburg writes memories, thoughts in short chapters that end in a recipe...she shares her family and her life in this way. "Food is never just food. It's also a way of getting at something else : who we are, who we have been, and who we want to be."

ohhh...she is talking my language here.......

so here's my grand little idea:

what if i used this method of writing out some pieces of my story...into some sort of book?

i would be using Wizenburg's book as a model/springboard for doing what i've thought about doing for some time : telling this almost unimaginable tale of caregiving....of how it's shaped and changed who i am...of how i became (instead of all the things i vaguely thought i might be & the things i prepared myself for) an accidental caregiver, cook, and homemaker......and how i've found peace in this place.

"Why is this on your mind at this moment?"(you might ask):

well, you may or may not know it; but this year appears to be the year that my Dad will enter "retirement"....there have been lots of steps (mostly unsavory) leading up to this point....and it's been so very, very stressful....and we have no idea at all how this is going to look for us...and so far, it's feeling pretty unsettling....

~i'm working hard internally to give us all time to adjust....

~i'm objectively reminding myself of the hugeness of this sort of transition at even the best of times; let alone for a family that's been so very affected by illness and weariness and long term stress....

~i'm giving myself permission to feel the emotions of it all....good and bad....

back to the writing part:

#1 - i really don't consider myself much of a writer....

but i think i do have something to say, and a unique perspective to share...the problem is, i honestly am not sure anybody wants to hear it! i wonder if it's even understandable...unless you've been through it yourself...

when i say "unique" i think i mean unusual. The vast majority of folks will never experience the longtermness of this sort of journey. Sure, we all encounter illness and trouble. There's plenty of books and blogs written of terrible sufferings and loss...and there should be!! Who we've loved and watched struggle or die has to be one of the most defining aspects of our lives. But even the most terrible and tragic stories are usually pretty short-lived... sometimes they happen in an awful second of time that changes us forever!...and at the worst, they're usually over in a few years. (that is not to say that our particular story is more sad or whatever than any other story!! not at all....i fully realize how our financial blessings and spiritual foundations have helped us have a better experience in so many ways than many others living a similar set of circumstances. But this experience has been LONG (for want of a better descriptor!) and HARD...and it's the particular "tragic story" that i know best........)

It is almost unbelievable to even me that this journey of ours has gone on and on for almost 12 years now...i could never have imagined such a thing...there would have been no pattern for me to even try to imagine it! i think most people in my life (including me) have just kinda gotten used to this new reality, if they ever think of it at all, anymore.......but the "abnormalness" of it all startles me now and then when i allow myself to consider it.....

but back to the writing (again!!) 

my other major drawback to ever writing anything at all is my overly strong ethic of complete honesty. i don't think i could or should be completely honest in a traditional memoir sort of book. it's too much. i think i'm too emotionally fragile to paint the whole picture and tell the whole story. and i think i would offend too many people (who i care about) if i really told the truth about how all of this has played out....

that's one reason this new idea is appealing to me...it's more contained...

so my little book would look something like this:

it would be 10 or so longish chapters, each grounded in a recipe that would help me tell the story of my family and myself...and of how we have survived and coped in our situation....

it would incorporate glimpses of grace (how could it not!!).....and it would certainly carry a message of faith and hope....but, as i see it, there are probably enough spiritual books floating around these days...and frankly, i don't feel spiritual enough to add much to that genre!:)

why food?

because food played such a central role in my Mom's identity....and has grown to do the same in mine...

it's also been such a huge part of my daily life with her....

the love of experiencing life....of giving....of sharing...has more often than not had a lot to do with food in my family....

could my grand little idea happen?:

probably not.

i've noticed that to successfully write & publish a book you either 1) have to actually be a really fabulous writer and somehow get luckily discovered (and likely it's really not luck but a lot of hard work and energy dispensed by the said fabulous writer in an effort to get "discovered") or 2) have an established audience, through some other aspect of life......(for some people, like Wizenburg, that audience was through her blog, but it could be other life roles as well)

barriers for me: 1) i'm not a fabulous writer 2) i have no extra energy whatsoever (sometimes i'm so very tired that i can hardly complete the smallest of tasks) and especially not the sort needed to peddle a book idea to various agent-type people 3) i don't have an audience! i live a very small life...and this blog has a pretty low readership!:)

BUT:

i still think it's a good idea.....

i think it's an idea that holds promise.....

i don't know what this year let alone my future holds....

but i do know that in this one post alone i have met my previously established goal of being more open, taking more risks with what i share here...and in a big way!!

(i wrote this several days ago now...but have hesitated to hit "publish". It's been a tiring week. And maybe my high spirits have decreased a bit. And the whole idea seems a little bit silly and a lot impossible...But i guess i'll post it anyway, in the interest of "honesty" & all...)

*Hello Again*

i'm not sure if it's the new year, or a little extra time on my hands, or the reading of some new blogs, or just too much going on in my thoughts....but i'm in a blogging frame of mind!

i looked over some past postings and realized that it's ALMOST BEEN 5 YEARS since i started blogging...that almost seems impossible!! this "personal weblog" has been an outlet for me in some ways...i've grown and changed as i've recorded thoughts and happenings on it...mostly for the better, i hope! but my recording has become so infrequent that it's become a bit lopsided, i worry. Because i worry, and because i'm  afraid i've become over-cautious in general....
i feel like i've been a bit dishonest in my infrequent blogging. i haven't meant to be...it's just happened!

if you only knew me through this blog, you might think i was the most spiritual, high-minded, earnest person you'd ever come across! You might be right with the earnest:) but probably not with the  high-mindedness or spirituality! it's just that with the lessening of writing, the more mundane, every day sort of stuff doesn't get reported much. Thus, what winds up here seems to be the "deeper" "bigger" thoughts i'm thinking. Those are part of the picture, for sure! but not the whole picture....And (whether i like it or not) the devil really is in the details...who i am (the best and the worst parts of me) really is in the everyday grittiness that hardly anybody gets to see...

it's an insidious temptation, i think...to perform, to show oneself only in the best of lights, to not be offensive. it's tempting enough face to face...but this new, virtual world has amplified it a bit.
but honesty is usually worth the effort...
and i've found it's a lot more peaceful to live in the freedom of "floppiness" (as Anne Lamott calls it) than in the constraints of buttoned-up timidity....

all that to say...i want this place to be a fuller reflection of my life. i'm not exactly sure how it will look, but i want more authenticity this year. i won't start oversharing the "ugly stuff", i promise....but i want to be more open (if i dare to be) about the tough stuff. we all have it. our stories are different, but our emotions are so very similar....

So, Hello Again....this is me : tired, weak, wondering, failing, wishing, thinking, giving, gaining, becoming....
*Breathing in the gifts of grace more deeply....
*Knowing that the journey is not so much about fulfilling my "potential" as it is about becoming a truly fulfilled person...
*Convinced that it is only through God's everlasting love and goodness that any of us even have eyes to see the reality of the sorts of people we are called to be in this present age...
*Wanting to be more kind with myself (& others!).....
but more tough, at the same time!

"Tough Love means going down deep, to battle my own selfishness, my own anger, my own frustrations, my temptations to choose between being right over being gracious, to be the last word, to convince by arguing and harsh invectives, pinches and pricks, to Win. When the going gets tough, the tough chooses love. 
Tough love means Christ will win In Me at all costs." 
(Sarah Styles Bessey, Emerging Mummy)

~i'm not exactly sure how "Both Sides Now" fits in this post...and i don't think it would be wise for me to write more & more paragraphs explaining how it fits:) i just know i love its honesty...and i "get" the stages of awareness she's talking about. i can't say that i'll ever be much of a Joni Mitchell fan:)...but these lyrics are just brilliant, in my opinion!~

a new year...

      "For the mountains shall depart

     And the hills be removed, 

      But My kindness shall not depart from you, 

      Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed,

      Says the LORD, who has mercy on you." 

(Isaiah 54:10)

it's good to be in a new year...

good to turn the page on what has been to what will be...

as i looked into 2012 on new year's eve, this verse came so very strongly to my mind. actually, it came to my mind in a song that i like so much from my Catholic music job;  the chorus is these words & a few others put to music....

it was just what i needed as i faced a new year.

i cannot say what awaits us in the days and months ahead. 
i know there will be wonderful moments (i hope a lot!!) but i know there will be tough moments, too. i certainly expect plenty of uncertainty. 
on fb, i saw a friend term the 30's as the decade of "lowered expectations" (credits to Tom McCasland for that:) and that certainly is the case for me....

so i know i can't count on circumstances to necessarily be rosy. and i know i can't count on my own infallibility!....it feels like i've been messing up and not handling well a whole bunch of situations and emotions.....

so this verse, this promise came at an important broken place for me...


i am reassured that His kindness, His peace, 

His mercy will not fail...

no matter what else may fall away...

that gives me courage to walk forward....confident in 

His faithfulness.

my home, my heart...

At Home

(Caryll Houselander)

~"We all know persons who are exaggeratedly house-proud, who concentrate on the neatness, cleanliness, beauty of their house, to the exclusion of its comfort. Their house is not a home, nothing must ever be left about, out of place. To come in with muddy shoes is a crime; it is a crime to disarrange the cushions. In such a house one can neither work nor rest; one is never at home, 

because it is not a home.

~There are many people who are 'soul-proud' in the same way. They spend their whole time cleaning up their soul, turning out the rubbish, dusting and polishing. Like the house-proud person, they become nervous, tired. There is nothing left in them to give, for they have wasted themselves on the silver, the curtains, the ornaments.

Christ wants to be at home in your soul. He will not go away and leave you if the house is chilly and uncomfortable; He loves you too much to leave you, but how often, how tragically often, He must say nowadays: 'The Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.'

~Christ asks for a home in your soul, where He can be at rest with you, where He can talk easily to you, where you and He, alone together, can laugh and be silent and be delighted with one another.

All this may seem daring, but it is true;
it is the meaning of the Incarnation."

(This excerpt is offered in a book called A Child in Winter, writings by Caryll Houselander collected by Thomas Hoffman.)

i think maybe it's meant to be that i understand the subject of the Incarnation a little better this year. For someone who's been in church all of my life, i'm a bit amazed at how little i seem to understand it...i don't feel like a very good learner. but....
the Word Made Flesh...how can we really understand such a mystery?

a couple of days ago, i received this Houselander selection in my email. i cannot completely say how very much it speaks to me...this year...this week (with all it's decorating and Christmas busyness)....with all that is happening in my life...and as i observe so many troubling patterns. My heart is weary of self-luxurious, performing religion....of hearts turned inward rather than turned fully toward the Lord. I am tired of myself, even! Lord, preserve me from soul-pride!! protect me in a season, from a culture of "show"..... i realize how very much i need to live focused on being "at home" with Jesus.... 

Yesterday, my pastor spoke on the Incarnation...of the God who makes it possible for us to recover our losses...always loving, always redeeming, always restoring...
how amazing that this healing Savior comes into the weakness of who i am....and gives Himself so that i can completely be who He created me to be.

(and i saw this article in CT: such good insights...)

i'm overwhelmed that God came to dwell with man...
i'm anxious for His present reality in my heart, in my home....

i'm grateful for His peace....

"Peace on earth

I don't ever remember it

But I know peace

I have it here

In my home

Tonight.

Thanks."

(GLORIA GAITHER, 12/24/69)

"Open My Hands"

"I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I've seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of His faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of His faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head in an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of His faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head in an emphatic yes
To all that You have for me"
(by Sara Groves and Alli Rogers)


On this little blog, i have attempted now and then to flesh out some of my feelings, thoughts, beliefs about coping with struggles...the places where  faith and life meet...
Places that sometimes don't make a whole lot of sense. 
I don't feel like i have any more "answers" these days than i've ever had....
I know that I cringe at the many cliches thrown around...(some of the more popular books, songs related to these issues just. do. absolutely. nothing. for. me. Sorry!!)
But: i do know that in my heart...all is well.
All is not perfect, all is not as i thought it would be.
but All is Well.
this new song on Sara Groves' "Invisible Kingdoms" says what my soul is singing. i could write long, rambling paragraphs and never say it as clearly:)
it is a blessing to me...
in this Thanksgiving season, i am feeling very grateful for grace that is enabling me to hold onto life more loosely...
to see myself (& my need for His mercy) more clearly...
to look to Jesus for healing...
to know security in His love and goodness.

"Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. LORD Almighty, blessed is the one who trusts in You." Psalm 84:10-12

Gentleness...

i am learning lessons in gentleness...

(the learning is not always perfect!)

my mind sometimes runs in circles

i'm fast, efficient! (she "proudly" claims!)

 (lots to be done, and i'm the designated driver 

much of the time)

these qualities do not lend themselves to gentleness...

and it is no secret that i value strong thinking;

freedom of ideas and equality of expression 

are extremely important concepts to me

there is (i'll say) Care missing in my life...

(there can be a relationship between what we're receiving 

and how much we're able to give, i think...)

but there is overwhelming Grace in my life, too,

and Grace makes our resources for giving more than 

we could even imagine in our own strength

i owe it to myself and to the people i love 

to show gentleness...

to do the things i do with kindness; 

not just because they need to be done...

i resolve to  call out the better, deeper parts of myself...

to be gracious, giving...gentle.

"Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in."

(1 Peter 3:4 Msg.)

my fall mantel

"Autumn was here...

the air was full of it's muted music."

(L. M. Montgomery)

i love Autumn...Fall...whatever it's called! i like putting up a few decorations every year, but i've never done much to the mantel. Actually, i'm not too much of a decorator...i like simple, easy, & cheap:) but (last week) i did something i rarely do...i looked at a few decorating blogs. My goodness-gracious, there are scads and scads of them out there!! truly overwhelming for my small (uncreative) mind! and a bit dangerous! Cause looking got me in the mood for doing! (there's a principle in there somewhere, my friends!) 

so....here are the results...

i'm very pleased with how it turned out... 

(an aside : taking pictures of a mantel is easier said than done...

it's tricky, let me tell you!)

(aside #2 : i spent <$25 total for this effort)

~ i bought the fall garland off of Etsy...when i saw it, i fell in love! it was very affordable...and the nice lady at This Cozy Life even made it precisely to my measurements and sent it right off. She made it of crocheted yarn and added mulberry paper leaves every so often : beautiful! While i waited for it to arrive, i panicked that it wouldn't work out...but it fits perfectly! my Mom and i both love it and are enjoying it so much!

~ since i'm lazy, i never like moving my pottery off of the mantel....so i knew it needed to stay. i really love how all the colors work together...i basically just used stuff from other rooms to get "the look" i wanted.

~ do you need reminders of how you should think? i do! and i need encouragement! so i used my framed "Love" picture. my cousin Rhonda bought me the little glass plaque in Italy....it's one of my favorite things and i think the colors work so well.

~ and i printed out some song lyrics that fit with this season of Thankfulness (that project took a lot more effort than one would think....i never did really achieve what i wanted, but i like it fine.) Found the frame at Goodwill:) and the pewter dish was given to me by college friends...good memories.

~ i have a thing for decorating with wheat in autumn....
always makes me think of the verse "Except a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it abides alone: but if it dies, it brings forth much fruit." (John 12:24)

~ not exactly sure what this decorating mix is called...but i like it. and i enjoy using my fall candle that Jenny & Maddie gave me last year. Again...good memories. Maybe that's part of the deal with decorating...preserving memories, pleasing our creative tendencies (such as they may be!), and finding reasons to celebrate and focus on good things. That's what i want my decorating priorities to be, at any rate. These small touches are easy on my eyes....

and make my heart happy.