~ Daybook : September 1st ~

Outside my Window: it is hot, sunny, and rainy....all at the same time! i've been enjoying walking in the evenings....when it actually is feeling a little bit cooler...

In the Kitchen: all is quiet....
we were invited over for Sunday lunch today...such a blessing. lovely....

Around the House: we are in the process of changing our floors....due to the unexpected problem/blessing of under the slab pipes leaking...i am overwhelmed by all the options and all that's going to have to be done!! excited for the floors to look better & work better, though....(they have been a thorn in my flesh ever since we built this house...don't ever ask me about it unless you want to see me get all wild-eyed and start talking way too loudly!!:) i already knew it about myself but have confirmed it again that i do not have much of the renovating spirit in me!!

I am thankful: that i am sleeping a little better these days....

I am reading: i go through stages where i feel like i'm reading a lot of everything and finishing not much of anything....sorta feeling that way these days. for friends who  also read all the Thoene books, i recently found The Swiss Courier (Goyer/Yorkey) (1st Christian fiction i've finished in awhile!)....reminded me a lot of why i loved those Thoene books. 
I just started Two Kisses for Maddy (a memoir of Loss & Love) (Matthew Logelin).
Memoirs matter to me...reading others' stories is enriching (even if i can't seem to get the book of our story off the ground *sigh*). 
I've also started reading Lincoln at Gettysburg: the Words that Remade America (Garry Wills)....
good....lots to take in.

I am watching: "Broadchurch" (BBC America)....so intense!! and "Ballykissangel" (old BBC, from my local library:)...non-intense, sweet, and just the right episode length needed to unwind....

I am listening to: lots of Sara Groves these days....good for my heart music...
and really enjoying my $3 Tony Bennett "Duets" (o how i love thee, 2nd and Charles!)

I am thinking (part a): about Giving: there have been a couple of instances lately where my Mom has taught me lessons in giving. (well, she always has really!) She decided to give away a whole set of dishes to someone who needed them more than us (totally her idea!)....and she recently had us turn the car around to go give $$ to a young woman holding a "help needed" sign.....and she promised the sad young woman her prayers (and Mom keeps those promises!!)
I don't have Giving all figured out but i know my ideas about it have evolved....i know giving is what we're called to be, not just something we're called to do...
i know it has to be done with open hands....without conditions....not part of game-playing or fairness-judging....and with the clear understanding that we might never see results for our "efforts". I am challenged to be more giving in the ways the Spirit leads....

I am pondering: restoration....praying and hoping so hard for some healing that needs to happen!
Grateful for every drop of grace movement that my tired eyes see....

I am remembering: the 8th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina (a few days ago)...like most other passages of time, this one seems unbelievable ...so many changes in me and my surroundings and our little world in these 8 years...and lots of monotony, too...

I am thinking (part b): about the situation in Syria....so complicated, horrible, and heartbreaking. 
(as are so many other terrible things in the world!) So we watch, helpless....and pray....

I am confessing: that i kinda have a crush on the Chopped judges (the male ones, that is:) .....they are all so cute! and they cook! perfect combination! we so like this show! (funny how even the totally grey-haired one seems like a cutie to me:)

I am looking forward to: Fall....wearing sweaters and jackets and fallish colors....burning candles....

I am hoping: to get a job at some point in the not too distant future. to go on a couple of little trips to visit friends. to get a job to make some $$ to pay for those trips!:)

A current favorite quote: 

"The longer I love and know our Jesus, the less I want to write or pontificate about Being a Good Christian." (Sarah Bessey)

Undone....

lately i've been thinking of things that cannot be undone....
even if i wish they could be, even if i think they should be, even if i think they never should have happened, even if i had no real control in the happenings....
(ahh, control...it always pops up as an issue, doesn't it?!)

it's not a great feeling to feel for an extended period of time...

acknowledging how life events have powerfully shifted the course of the journey is important, i think...
the tricky part is not getting bogged down in the analyzing process....figuring out how to take lessons learned and move forward...(honestly, i'm still wondering if that's entirely possible in all cases....and , if it is, just how to move forward...)

it takes deciding every single day, with every single prayerful choice (when i remember to pray!!) if i will behave well or not so well in the middle of muddiness...

and i'm very, very aware that any "good" behavior (or any good at all, for that matter) is not possible in my own strength....only In the Strength of the Lord. i'm thankful that He is with me, that He is beside me, that He is for me! (you, too!!)

a very umimportant aside : i should look at pinterest more...i always find some good quote/picture when i do...perhaps i should give up my attitude about it:)

~ Day(months!!)book : July 1st ~

once again/broken record/same old story: i am so behind on this blogging thing....i decided to celebrate the beginning of a new month by getting back in the game (no use to even pretend that i will not fall right back out of it.....)


Outside my Window: it is very bright and sunshiny on this Monday morning....i got to sleep late and talk to a dear friend this morning, which is a good way to start any new week:) This summer has already been almost unbearably hot and humid here....but no hurricanes (yet!).....

I am thinking: that most of the time....when i feel the urge to make a point, especially if that point includes using a Scripture verse or lofty quote...i probably should stop while i'm ahead! it is so, so hard to check motivations....but i am convinced that doing so is the wisest way to live (and hopefully will keep me out of trouble!) *sigh*

In the Kitchen: i've not been doing any "amazing" things lately....except for this: Baked Fudge : truly one of the best, easiest, divinely chocolate, makes your whole life worth living desserts you will ever put in your mouth!! (homemade whipped cream mandatory!!)

I am thankful: for the ability to be honest. for relief after a long space of worry. for both the softening and the strength needed to meet difficult challenges.

I am reading: The Little Way of Ruthie Leming (Rod Dreher)...i'd read about this new book and was so happy to find it at my library. it's a beautiful book and introduced me to Auden's phrase "stagger on rejoicing"...some of the most perfect words ever written, i think. i'm also still loving anything i read by Barbara Brown Taylor....thankful for the gift of her writing at this phase of my life. i recently finished
Darrell Hammond's memoir....i find him fascinating.....so much sadness in his story.
almost finished reading Interrupted (Jen Hatmaker)....so good.

I am watching: i'm planning on a rewatching of the "Cranford" series (yes, such a little detail is crucial for the world to know!:)

I am pondering: what it truly means to be
responsible to and for each other....the joys and the burdens of what living responsibly means....so many thoughts whirling around in my mind on this subject; maybe someday i'll write them all out...

I am remembering: this old post of mine (when i actually blogged) it's one of my favorites....and the issues are still current.....neverendingly current, it seems. the "virtue of patriotism versus the vice of nationalism" seems to be a tricky balance...and there are many things about how that is playing out in our national life and in many religious circles that just (frankly) bother me a whole lot....

I am learning: that the practice of listening with the heart, through the Spirit is even more important than i ever realized....there is always more to the story under the surface story. I am also learning that even mild confrontation is exhausting, but probably more necessary than i ever realized....

I am looking forward to: going to see Prairie Home Companion in October (so, yeah, a bit premature!) it's pretty ridiculous how excited i am about this....and proud that i took the risk, made the call, bought the (fairly reasonably priced) tickets for the 1 and only performance in New Orleans. i've wanted to see a live performance of PHC for a long time.... Wicked and PHC in the same year...i'm feeling lucky!:) there are other things i'm looking forward to, too....more reasonable and normal things:)....but sometime it's nice when frivolous little luxuries work out....

A recent pic:

me on a recent traveling stop at Panera.....not the most flattering picture ever.....but there's a story and a lot of learning (hopefully i'm learning!) represented here....

some things i know....

a few days ago, i turned 40! it's been a bit surreal....and, all things considered, quite a good thing!
As the "big milestone" approached, i had lots of things on my mind....really important things that i thought should be said on this blog....i tell you, one or two of the topics would warrant a book all on their own:)
but here i am....a week past the actual date...and i feel less of a need to say a lot....but maybe still a need to reflect a little on some of what's true about me at this point in my life...

* i'm so lucky/blessed to have very good parents. i believe pretty strongly in innate personality traits and talents...but i believe just as strongly in the power of good parenting. I'm thankful for parents who showed me so much love....who taught me how to live in a disciplined, ordered way (sometimes that habit is the only thing that keeps us together in chaotic times!), who valued intelligence and skill more than they valued fluff, who in simple ways helped me know that loving and serving Jesus is the only thing that really will matter and last in the end.

* i will never have really good hair nor be very skinny....and i'm too modest and practical to ever truly be "fashionable" ..i have reconciled myself to these facts:)

* i don't do overdone: overdone drama, overdone self-importance, overdone music, overdone allegiance to man-made organizations...and don't get me started on overdone eyelashes!!

* i'm happy to have already lived a pretty interesting life....full of troubles, for sure! but filled with Good things, too....seen lots of places, met lots of people, experienced so much....i love learning things....there's so much i don't know...so many takes on the world....so much i still want to see and do...

*i'm a mixed bag....an NPR listener, a Dennis Kinlaw reader. i don't like being boxed-in to labels....although sometimes i'm just as guilty as the next person of boxing others in!! i think people and world issues are complicated...and usually cannot be encapsulated in catchy sayings...i feel lucky for the few people i'm honest enough with to truly share opinions....i wish for a larger community of likeminded thinkers....i just hope i'm minded enough like Jesus to make it to Heaven!

* i've learned that i don't have to answer questions i don't want to...that i don't have to say all i know! it's taken awhile for my conscientious spirit to get this, but i'm getting there...

* i'm amazed at the lack of sensitivity & caring people can show....but i'm also amazed at the undeserved grace & kindness that common people can give....how we mere humans can rise to the occasion now and then....sharing a touch of God in small ways...

* at this point, i've given up on being "good enough"....i'm aware of my flaws and also aware of how much Redemption is worth....i have little tolerance for anything that smacks of performance....
i see my own need for honesty and know the trap of fakeness! "Being Authentic" might be a buzzword but it is for a reason.....the whole culture seems weary of the falseness and smallness often paraded as Christianity...."Lord help me to be Real in a world that so badly needs genuine love and respect."

* i know that not every situation has a happy ending. Hurts are hard ~ they change us. Our emotions don't always magically rise above our situations  no matter how "spiritual" we are...it's dishonest to pretend they do! i know how fragility feels....
i'm not much for motivational sayings...but i'm very big on honestly & totally relying on faith even when we're broken. i want to be tender...i want to be open....even when life feels tough & even when it's an effort.
i want to use my own times of struggle to have open eyes for others who are struggling....to not demand so much...there's always more to the story than what's on the surface...

*i acknowledge that life has not turned out exactly how i thought it might....(although i never spent all that much time thinking ahead; just thought & worked hard and assumed...perhaps that was my fatal flaw!) despite some true losses....i'm thankful for the abundance of love and riches that are mine. i appreciate the friends who have helped me see these realities more clearly....i know with all my heart that we are all so valuable to God....and that when we care for and love each other well we please Him. and we find peace.
this is not some deep truth....but it is revolutionary. It helps me keep growing, keep giving, keep believing  that this all has meaning....that Life is Good (even (especially)....at 40!

Holy Week...

"Even though He was full of divine power, Jesus believed that changing stones into bread, seeking popularity, and being counted among the great ones of the earth were temptations. Again and again Jesus opts for what is small and hidden and poor, and accordingly declines to wield influence.

His miracles always serve to express His profound compassion with suffering humanity. Never are they attempts to call attention to Himself.... It becomes plain to us that God has willed to show love for the world by descending more and more deeply into human frailty.

The more conscious Jesus becomes of the mission entrusted to Him, the more He realizes that that mission will make Him poorer and poorer. And finally He hangs on a cross, crying out with a loud voice, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Only then do we know how far God has gone to show us His love.

For it is then that Jesus not only reached His utmost poverty,
but also showed us God's utmost love." (Henri J. M. Nouwen)

it's Holy Week....but i'm not feeling very holy...
i've (for the most part) kept up with my Lenten reading and other observances....and that's all been good. And i've listened to (and thought on) words very fitting for the season...that has challenged me. But (honestly) i'm feeling soul weary. i see lots in me that seems so "below" the sacrifice that was made. whatever my reasons, i acknowledge that a lot of the time....i'm not living as much like Christ as i want to be. 

and then i look around me....it seems like there are so many people (that i personally know, even) who have heard the Gospel...but are living like they've never seen Jesus. it seems there is vast confusion on basic and not so basic values of what it means to follow Him...
My heart is so sad.

Maybe this place is one where understanding can happen. Understanding that my dependence is totally on Him. Understanding (again) that, on my own...i'm bound to get it all wrong. I need His Holiness...

Jesus understands my frailty...and He gives me the strength to believe again in Hope, Renewal, Change, New Creations...all the reasons our hearts turn to the Resurrection. this year, i need those reasons more than ever...and i understand in a new way how Easter is centered in our Lord's poverty.

"Jesus, this Easter, please Make Yourself Real to me and to those i love 

who so desperately need You. Help us know You...

and may our changed lives please and glorify You."

~ Daybook : February 19~

i haven't blogged in awhile...and i haven't daybooked in a longer while....so thought i'd do that again. only i'm going to leave out some of the categories...(because i want to!)

Outside my window...it's a sunny, windy day! but it was so stormy & scary last night...unusually for me, i actually heard the bad weather...and it rattled me a bit...

I am thinking...about the many, many very serious needs i know about that need prayer. Sometimes it seems like too many needs to even remember them all!! I am committed in a new way to bring these areas of such brokenness to the Father....

In the kitchen...i am baking sweet potatoes (wasn't i doing that the last time i answered this question?!!) and making something called "Glorious Chicken" (with only 4 ingrediants) that i saw on another blog for supper....it's SOOO good. (if i could get interested in Pinterest i'd probably find lots of ideas for such recipes...but, alas, i just cannot seem to find Pinterest interesting!!) 
Re: food ~ i am dieting. It's going pretty well but It Is So Hard. I think about food way more than i should. 

I am wondering... if anything will come of the job application i sent in yesterday...whatever the case, it was a good exercise in getting stuff together (ie resume, references, weird self-bragging practices!:)

I am thankful... for my Dad who helped me so much in getting my job applying act together. He's had plenty of practice lately in this area. *sigh*

I am reading...a lot! or trying to, anyways...one way i am trying to observe the discipline of Lent this year is by actually finishing up some of the books i have started. One book that i'm appreciating so much is Home By Another Way by Barbara Brown Taylor. It's a collection of her sermons (so well crafted!) that is organized around the church year. So rich with good things! I'm fascinated by the book The Bookseller of Kabul (by Asne Seierstad)...it's making me more aware of how very little we (or at least i) understand the complicated lives in other parts of our world. I want to be more aware...and to care more. 
I'm also being really blessed by Anne Lamott's new book : i'm a marker up of whatever i'm reading...this one pretty much needs 100% highlighted!

"Revelation is not for the faint of heart. ...... We are too often distracted by the need to burnish our surfaces, to look good so that other people won't know what screwed-up messes we are.... But if you gently help yourself back to the present moment, you see how life keeps stumbling along and how you may actually find your way through another ordinary or impossible day. Details are being revealed, and they will take you out of yourself, which is heaven... So I say "Thanks" because revelation has shown me things that are miserable that somehow i may get to sidestep; or that are miserable but that prayer and friends help me find a way through; or that are painful and beautiful in ways that make your heart ache, that draw you close forever to the comrades who have walked with you." (Anne Lamott, in Help Thanks Wow)

(there are more books on my list! but i've already overwritten this section!)

I am pondering...how i often spend a lot of my time worrying and trying to "fix" things that i actually can do nothing about!! this wasting of energy keeps me from the concentrated praying and giving that i need to be doing. I want to focus on the important things better....ignoring the distractions that need ignoring and loving the people who need loving...

I am learning... (actually i'm observing) how difficult it is to deal with lifelong patterns of bad thinking and behaving. Of course, i've known this for a long time! but i'm learning in new ways how destructive these things can be....
("help me, Lord, to think and live consistently in Your way!")

A favorite picture...

earlier this month, i was able to spend the weekend with some of my family in AL...we were able to participate in a "Walk for Life"...and to spend such a fun and sweet time "fellowshipping" (in the truest sense of that word!) together. The little trip was a refreshing time for me....

2013.

"You are my hiding place

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance"

(Psalm 32:7)

i've been thinking that "deliverance" should be my Word of the year for 2013...

at first, my weary but still overactive (and often self-focused?) brain starting listing all of the situations from which i need deliverance...

Ohhhhh, it was a long list! (full of troubles!)

and then i thought how that was never going to happen...

(so, yes, i immediately sabotaged my own faith!)

but in the last couple of days, it's occurred to me that this deliverance i've been impressed to seek probably has very little to do with escaping actual problematic or troubling times...

it probably has a lot more to do with the state of my heart...

sadly, that state has not been all it should be....

there's been a great deal more panic than peace...

and a whole lot of coming unglued rather than gracefulness...

sure, there's been a little peace and grace...but the balance's been unbalanced....that's just the truth of it.

so i'm focusing on deliverance that's from the inside out...

and that's definitely outside of me and my own efforts...

deliverance that's grounded deep in trusting and fueled fully by the hope and joy and daily sustenance of the Lifegiving Lord....

i can't explain it very well, but i think it's already beginning...

i don't have superspiritual words to frame it, but my faith just might be growing a little stronger...

my 2nd blog post of 2012 included this quote:
"Tough Love means going down deep, to battle my own selfishness, my own anger, my own frustrations, my temptations to choose between being right over being gracious, to be the last word, to convince by arguing and harsh invectives, pinches and pricks, to Win. 
When the going gets tough, the tough chooses love. 
Tough love means Christ will win In Me at all costs." (Sarah Bessey)


i very much still need these words in 2013....and i still mean them....
i will allow Love to change me....remake me, remold me.....delivering me into a person who is more Christlike, more honest, more aware and more usable in the Kingdom.