~ Daybook: January 26, 2020 ~

it's that time of year....for resolutions and new beginnings and all that. And i see i didn't blog even one time in 2019 : not a great loss to the world, but still. I'd like to get back to it now and then : this daybook format is the easiest and fastest structure to try and do that, so here we go.

 I'm definitely in the midst of a "new beginning" : I've either discussed with you or you've seen on fb  that I've entered into a CPE program (clinical pastoral education) so i won't elaborate here. This 1st week has been intense and challenging. i feel pretty confident that i can do this, at least theoretically. but I’m not sure I can balance learning in my 40s with being a caregiver and driving an hour into New Orleans to do it: so I guess we'll see how this all works out. sigh.

Outside my window.... it is a dreary, rainy, and gray Sunday afternoon. it is winter after all. i enjoy the seasons and i'm enjoying the cold, knowing it will be hot as hades soon enough. 

I am drinking...Coffee. Comfort for my heart...

I am listening... to the Gaither Vocal Band. just hearing their song "we are the stars, we are the sand" this afternoon : beautiful!

I am planning... so many things. too many for my small mind to manage. and my heart: it keeps stretching and growing. Even when I feel overwhelmed and inadequate: grace fills in the spaces....

In the kitchen... there is kingcake:) i love this time of year:)

Around the house... I am determined to bring some order. things have gotten out of hand and the pressure of disorganization hangs over my head....

I am missing... my work friends. More than we realize, i think, we become accustomed to doing life together and it's an adjustment for me to not be seeing some of the same supportive faces every day....

I am wearing... pajamas. it's pretty early in the afternoon, but I've already taken a shower and i'm determined to be asleep by 10pm so i can be up earlier than i'd like for morning driving...

I am thankful.... for my church family. our pastor was back today after being away for 2 Sundays - it was good to have him back! I was moved this morning by the loving, sweet spirit in our congregation. we have been through some stuff...and God has been good to us.

I am looking forward... to being in Florida in less than 2 weeks with some of my dearest friends!!!

a quote that's speaking to me: 
“Millions long for immortality but don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." (Susan Ertz).

i could pontificate on this for awhile;) but the basic question is this : 'what is it you plan to do with your one precious life?' (Mary Oliver). Life moves so quickly : ”normal” can change in a second...restlessness and sadness sometimes drive us into new paths: these are the thoughts I am contemplating.

A peek into my life:

early morning drive a few days ago....

incomplete thoughts on a Sunday....

I’ve been playing piano for Catholic masses for a very long time now....@ 17 years I think.

Like so much of my life, beginning this role was unexpected.....and has lasted longer than anticipated.

Every now and then I evaluate why I keep doing this....I must be getting something out of it, right? besides the money, I mean......although that Has been much of it....for awhile being a lowly musician was my only source of income of any sort....it’s still the easiest way I have of earning needed funds.

there are other reasons, too, of course.

The bottom line is that I like doing it. And sometimes doing what you like is important.

this morning I noticed something: maybe it’s happened before and I just noticed it better today.

Most full masses start by singing (or reciting if there’s no music) the Gloria. I’m no good at the history here.....I’m a church girl (of course) so I do know where these words originate.....

but I’ve no idea how long this has been happening in the church. I know a Long time.....it seems to be part of every classical mass I’ve ever sung.

The musical setting can change (and there’s all sorts of dynamics involved in that, too). I happen to like the musical setting (Gokelman/Kauffman) we started using in the diocese I play within several years ago...

from my (limited) understanding, the Gloria serves as a sort of call to worship....its setting the tone for Why we’ve all gathered here in the 1st place ~ it’s not a creed, exactly.....it’s not declaring Why we believe certain things....but it Is a purposeful and participatory setting of ones heart gaze on Who we’ve gathered for....

the words go like this:

"Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace to people of good will. Lord Jesus Christ, Only Begotten Son,

Lord God, Lamb of God,
Son of the Father,
you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us;
you take away the sins of the world, receive our prayer;
you are seated at the right hand of the Father, have mercy on us.

For you alone are the Holy One,
you alone are the Lord,
you alone are the Most High, Jesus Christ,
with the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God the Father. Amen.”

this is what I noticed this morning:

I’m exhausted all the time these days (I guess that goes without saying) : this service time has been moved up 1 hour and begins at 8am...That. Is. Too. Early. For. Me. to be getting up on a Sunday morning after working all week (and often Saturdays, too) but the time change has worked well, actually, since my parents need me more on Sunday mornings now.

Sometimes.....often.....I'm pretty slumped in my posture (and in my spirit) at the piano. But as I made it through the opening parts of the Gloria today I found myself sitting up straighter.....my back felt more strong and I had a sense of body/spirit engagement....I realized I was listening to the words, the praise.....and both my body and my heart were responding.

Did I stay this way the entire service?

Probably not. 
i probably became distracted at points.....settled back in my chair during the homily, mind wandering...that's ok, really.
it's the story of life : we can't always stay energized,inspired, alert spiritually and physically.
we especially can't if bowed down by care and weariness.
But these moments of inspiration and invigoration matter : and i'm thankful when they happen.

"And ye, beneath life's crushing load, whose forms are bending low, 

who toil along the climbing way with painful steps and slow, 

look now! for glad and golden hours come swiftly on the wing. 

O rest beside the weary road, and hear the angels sing! 

(Edmund Sears)

Laundry on Sundays...

"Light Wash" (Andrew Wyeth)

Sundays are not altogether restful....in fact, they're far from it. I find myself often thinking about ways I can make things better -  more restful for myself : making more simple meals is one way I can do that....saying no better is probably another way I could. There are SO many things to get done, that when I "just sit" I can start feeling like I've wasted good work time.....I've just about cured myself of that guilt. ("should" mentality dies a hard and slow death:)

I have some fairly clear ideas about how I wish Sabbaths could be: and mine do not measure up to my ideals....

I'm not even going to record those lofty ideals here! today, I'm thinking about the mundane :  how the chore I do normally get around to on Sundays is laundry. It's easy! and necessary! it just takes me organizing myself a little bit - organizing the baskets the way I want them (note, I'm not inferring that I actually fold all the clothes!:) And to start the new week we can (- at the least -) have some clean clothes to wear....

I've felt lately that my soul needs a little washing up....it's feeling rather dried up and weary; exhausted from living and doubtful of certainty: if I could throw it quickly into the washer and dryer and have it come out sparkling new, full of renewed hope and purpose - I would.

But I can't. It doesn't quite work like that.

But some things do work: the mundane, normal Sundays rituals of reading Scripture, singing hymns, prayer (and repentance), purposing to listen to the preacher....and to God....and allowing the Holy Spirit to wash clean and renew my spirit can go a long ways in providing peace. Of course that can happen all week long : but if you're anything like me - sometimes it doesn't.

Today the pastor referenced these verses and I read (and heard ) them again (and I needed to hear them!):

Romans 8:31-39 (Message) "So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture.........None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

These words help my faith....and leave my heart feeling a little lighter....

Blogging has fallen away for most of us...and I've been thinking that most of us rarely have an original thought anyways:) But these are my thoughts today...and i guess i should go fold some laundry now.

~ Daybook: July 2nd, 2017 ~

I am missing... blogging. Long ago in another life (it seems) I had more time and space for thinking & writing..i seem to have lost both...and the social media landscape has changed everything anyways...i'm going to try and do this daybook thing quickly...before all my evening running around...so my verbosity will be limited:)

Outside my window.... it's very, very hot and humid. i'm ready for Fall!!

I am drinking...Coffee (of course!). it's Sunday afternoon after all. I've pretty much stopped drinking diet drinks, as much as that pains me....i can't risk any more drain on my cognitive skills....I'm sticking with water and coffee;)

I am listening...to my parents listen to gospel music:)
currently, i'm loving, loving 2 Cd's : Buddy Greene's "Someday" and Brooke Fraser's "flags".

I am planning... on going back to the gym. a bad foot has kept me out of exercising for 2 months now...that 's been not good for both my physical and mental health.

In the kitchen... I'm struggling. i feel like most of my meals are thrown together. i honestly can't feel too badly about it...it is what it is.

Around the house...also struggling. i really, really, really want to start getting rid of things...everything! i'm feeling weighted down by stuff.

I am going.... to too many hospitals.

I am reading...not enough. the only thing i'm sticking with consistently...slowly...is Jan Karon's Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good. It's good for my heart. 1 more book in the series!! and maybe a new one? I've been toting around Hillybilly Elegy (J.D.Vance) for months now and not finishing it...i plan to finish it! 

I am thankful.... *that our church has called a good pastor. praying for a good transition. 

*For good support from a few old and new friends...

I am looking forward... to this July 4th holiday:) God Bless America and all! but i'm mostly glad for a day off and i plan to sleep in as late as possible. I am grateful for this country and that our founders created a brilliant system of checks & balances: especially important in these days of authoritarian foolishness.

a quote that's speaking to me: 

"When you lose your capacity to care what other people think, you've lost your ability to connect. But when you're defined by it, you've lost your ability to be vulnerable." (Brene Brown)
~ i love facebook. but one thing that troubles me about it is how there seems to be the motivation to "out-spiritualize" one other (as my friend Jody recently phrased it.) (or at least this happens in my fb circles!) I'm not just throwing stones here...I'm trying to learn myself what seem to be the never ending lessons of deep connection and true vulnerability. and i don't think growth can happen here if we're always overly conscious of how we might "appear" to others. I am trying to give others...and myself...grace in this area.

A peek into my life:
this is not really a peek per se....but it's a quote and photo that's stayed with me since i saw it posted by "The Lettered Cottage". 
this is Hard Work...my soul longs for more of these places of unarmed grace.

2017 : Balance?!

This is me blogging. *Shock - Awe - Unbelief* Welcome, 2017. Goodbye and Happy to see you Gone, 2016!!

A couple of days ago, in preparation for a group we are beginning at the agency where I work, I read through some material we will be using. The last part of the "Intro"section (from Griefwork : Healing from Loss (Zamore and Leutenberg) is written to the facilitator and includes a section entitled:
Create balance in your life between...

• Giving and receiving
• Attention to family and self
• Involvement and detachment
• Feelings of power and powerlessness
• Others' needs and your own needs
• Time spent with people and time spent alone

These hit me like a ton of bricks.

Let it be said that i said ouch to every one of these!!!!

I am doing terribly badly on every one of these scales!!!

and it Does feel as if I have no power over any if it....And to be clear, it's not just a "feeling": in several areas of my life I am reaping the consequences of other people's choices...I am trying to address the messes made by others. Believe me, I have enough trouble handling my own messes, so I'm obviously doing pretty miserably handling those made by others. *smile* but let me move on!

these are all fine things to consider, but the scale that stands out the most to me is "Involvement and Detachment." I've not heard this particular turn of phrase before.....but it nails an issue I've been thinking about a lot. We (are at least I) hear much about boundaries....boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I'm all for them! I need more of them!! BUT...sometimes I'm afraid we use our "need" for boundaries as an excuse to just not do anything....to ignore needs...to shirk responsibilities....to give ourselves a free pass from doing what needs to be done....to turn aside from what are sometimes actually easy tasks that we're capable of doing...but are sometimes really, really hard painful jobs that call us to step forward in grace into the dark hurts and messy mayhem of life's lowest moments. In other words...we become detached.

But not just detached, we become guarded....more protective of our safety (and sometimes our image) than open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I think there's a cost to being detached : the loss of the growing up of our souls. 

without a doubt, there's also cost to over involvement. I feel it very strongly in my spirit and in my weariness. I am trying and I am intending to say No!! better. I have to....for my own sanity and the peace of my household. Especially more No to the things I can't have much of an effect on anyways.

But not at the cost of remaining tender to the needs of people and the way that God sees them.

I'm not exactly sure how to make this happen in my heart....or, practically, how to work this out in the everyday muck of my life. Certainly today's ramblings do not solve anything.

I think the answers lie somewhere in listening more, resting more in the care of the Lord rather than being driven to "prove"anything. Truth is, there's nothing I feel the need to prove much anymore. But I do want my Love to prove strong....steady....focused on what will ultimately matter in the end.

2016 : I Corinthians 13

I guess the end of June is as good a time as any to make a 1st post for 2016!! Time is moving so quickly (while still agonizingly slowly!)...there just doesn't seem to be time (or need) for blogging. There's a few blogs i still follow...but most of you i see on fb. If anyone sees this it will be via fb!:)

I'm having a slower morning than usual - and that is a blessing. Last night, i spent some time reading I Corinthians 13 : and truly was blown away (again) by the beauty and clarity of these words. The world seems very saturated with ugliness these days - unsettled, reactive, without foundations. My world is often unsettled these days : not my heart - but circumstances in my world over which i have no directive ability. Some things I'm coping with are breaking my heart....other things have made me so blasted angry that it's not healthy! I'm learning (again) how to live in a way that focuses on priorities...so that i can maintain peace in my emotions and with my God.     

I'm startled by the high level of misconduct and confusion in high places and in low places: and how blatantly bad behaviors are not just tolerated but are sometimes exalted. <<<< this is why i needed to read I Corinthians again. This is how I am called to behave, to react, to love....no matter what anyone else, anywhere else does. I'm challenged : I'm calmed : I'm encouraged....that the Holy Spirit promises to make this sort of heart possible in even the lowliest person who surrenders to the Lord. I want these words to continue to guide and change me, whatever else happens around us. (I'm including 2 versions cause i love them both so much!)

I Corinthians 13 (NKJV):

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a]but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13 (the Message):

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

almost a 2015 Christmas letter...

it's been 5 months since i've touched this blog....and i thought i might update it before we enter a new year!

so very much has happened...and while there's certainly no way to capture it all in a few sentences, since it's Christmas Day i'm going to try and quickly jot down a few thoughts!

i'm writing on a dreary, HOT Louisiana Christmas day....not such a seasonal feeling!

but there's cornbread dressing in the oven, the Carpenters singing in my living room, 2 Christmas Masses behind me....and I'm basking in the quiet and calm of my home....It is definitely Christmas in my heart.

my rather forlorn last post spoke to my being on another job search. Let me just say that 2 job search processes (resumes, interviews, etc. etc.) and 2 job beginnings (after not "working" professionally for about 15 years!!) in the span of one year is enough to drive even the most stable person completely over the edge. ha <<<< kind of.

I find myself still standing at the end of it all....and employed again as a "Bereavement Coordinator" with a Hospice Agency (my 1st day was Aug. 20th). I am truly grateful for this opportunity which is a good, good fit in so many ways...I do believe God opened this door for me (and I do believe flat out quitting the other job after 8 months one of the very best decisions I have ever made!). I appreciate my family and friends who've been patient with my nuttiness in these tumultuous times....

i have lots of big thoughts/observations about trying to balance work ~ life....how that affects women....how our confidence ebbs and flows....how career personas and expectations practically flesh out in a very real, very needy world....but those are mostly scattered. Mostly, I want to be real and make a difference in whatever work I am given....

My dear parents are doing well after what has been a whirlwind month and a half. I will not go into all the details here of my Mom's recent health scare on top of her already fragile health issues (ask me or look on fb:).....but we can not express how very thankful we are that she is with is and doing well this Christmas. We were prepared for some difficult possible outcomes....that did not happen! We thank God for His goodness and we thank so many individuals for praying for us. My Dad continues to do contract banking work from home....his love and gracious care of us is a precious gift every day of the year.

Strongly on my mind during this uncertainty has been the importance of living well....with no regrets. There was no "unfinished business" that my Mom (or we) needed to address. I want to live in love....always.

so that's a terribly fast wrap up....imperfect, messy, but enough:)

Merry Christmas to you and yours!!

the Chaplain at our agency reads from a prayer book at our meetings: i loved the one he offered for Christmas (by Jessie Jai McNeil). It's long...but i'm going to share it all:

"O gracious heavenly Father: We thank Thee that through they tender mercy the dayspring from on high hath visited us to give light to them that sit in darkness and in the the shadow of death and to guide our feet into the way of peace. Grant that we, and all the ends of the earth, may this day look to Thee for our salvation; for Thou alone art the ruler of the world and the source of all things that endure. Help us this day to commit ourselves to Thee and to seek those things that are above, As we face the cares and the temptations that fill each day, grant to us the moral courage and strength to abide the day of distress and to resist evil. May we not be ashamed or afraid to take our stand with righteousness, justice, and truth. Help us, through dedicated and courageous personal living, to testify to the advent of Thy Son into the world, and into our hearts, that His life may be the light of all who would seek His face. Use us, O God, for the achievement of peace and understanding in our world. Use us, by helping us to be victorious in the little things that fret and tempt us. Let no job seem too small for us to do well; no decision too unimportant in which to seek Thy guidance; no human being too insignificant to be treated as a person. Use us, our heavenly Father, to Thy honor and Thy glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."