February : 2023

the problem with publicly committing to writing a blog every dang month of your 50th bday year....is that then you have to....do it. (nothing would happen if I didn't of course!) the thing is: that's easier said than done.

I know "a little" a very little mostly it seems...about a lot of stuff. caregiving and loving and observing and assessing and faith and illness and emotions and supporting and grief and facilitating and suffering and joy and performing and music and justice and disability and thinking thinking thinking (and more thinking:)

but I also know how flawed I am in the pursuits of all the things I care about... I don't much care to put my thoughts out there like I'm clear on it all. I mean I might do it:) But along with a fair amount of confidence in my own competence......is a high amount of self doubt and self awareness of my flaws. more so the older I get. maybe that's a good thing.

I've been sick three significant times this month. it's weird for me to slow down. I know it's my body talking to me. I understand the impact of prolonged stress and I'm trying to take care...

It's had me thinking about my own finitude. rather than writing a bunch about that I'll lean into these words from Kate Bowler for Lent....

speaks my heart....

"A blessing for Ash Wednesday"

God, today our finitude is rubbed on our foreheads.

The reality of our limits, our fragile bodies,

spoken over us like a curse:

from dust we are made

to dust we will return.

Some days we need to be reminded

that we are not the perfectibility projects

we set out to be.

We are full of bounce and brimming with hope.

All woes, solvable. All problems, a distant whisper.

When we don’t feel like dust,

Bless us, oh God,

in the ways we trick ourselves into believing,

that our lives are something we’ve made,

that all our accomplishments and successes and mastered mornings

add up to something independent of you.

But on days like today, when our heads hang low

Sunk with the grief of our neediness,

Bless us, oh God.

When our joints don’t work like they should,

when we grow sick or turn gray too soon.

when our bodies betray us…

or perhaps they are doing exactly what they are supposed to do.

Tell us again

exactly how you made us:

from dust to dust.

Blessed are we, a mess of contradictions,

in our delusions and deep hopes,

in our fragility and finitude.

January : 2023

people handle turning 50 different ways, I guess.... I'm not sure how I'm handling it:) But I mean to mark this year blogging every month. not to share anything really momentous or divulge the great and wise things I've learned thus far:) (the older I get the less I realize I know!) but just to think through and document in small ways where I am at this point of my life journey...

I read a meme a few days ago that said in gist "we've perfected the art of oversharing while revealing almost nothing about ourselves." that's about right, I think, of social media much of the time...including blogging for sure. remember those heady old days of blogging, though.... they certainly felt more real (whatever that means) than fb & such often does these days. And we're more guarded now: politics and pandemics and painful times will do that....

I hope however I share my story.... words, relationships, work, music, caregiving, worship...is founded in what is true about my heart. and is at least a little bit of a worthwhile sound in this big, busy, hurting world.

one day maybe I'll read back through all of the old blog posts. I shudder to think of it:) comments are turned off now.... I need to clean up all the unsecure, stalker ones. so my vast readership will just have to be satisfied with fb link commenting;) 

so many people I know are so happy 2022 is done. I surely am. the past months have been full of loss and sadness and really really hard times. overcoming and resilience and loving moments, too.... but I'm learning not to rush to those points. to sit for awhile in the emotions and let them teach me more about living... so here's to 2023. to turning 50:)....to blogging again:)

I recently came across this poem for the very first time! speaks for me...

my "resolution" for this year has been to get walking again. like most almost 50 yr old women I'm struggling with my weight... but, more importantly, my spirit needs to be moving and outside. I know just a little about the restorative qualities of sound and nature.... but I know what helps heal my heart. I pray best outside. I'm needing to sticking pretty close to home these days...luckily I can find some beauty at a local park....

July 2022: a new blog

 

the commute to New Orleans is a killer….no doubt about that. but I’m lucky and get to time it out well. unlike my grandpa and dad and many (mostly) men who’ve done this brutal drive day after day 5 days a week in all sorts of crazy weather. but the reward of working a long day are views that soothe my spirit no matter how many time I’ve seen them. the skies, the water, the ever changing colors… it’s never safe to take pictures while driving! and it’s mostly a waste of time! I can’t capture it. But that doesn’t stop me from rolling down the window again and clicking away with my phone. The hot heavy air rolls in….humidity tangible. I doubt we’ll ever have rampant fires over the swamps here even with the increasingly high temperatures: there’s water everywhere...

it's been almost 2 years since I've officially blogged. no great loss:) This drive home is just one of the many things that have changed in the world in that time. overall, this career change...this role of chaplaincy is a Good change. lots of other changes are pretty troubling. much instability in our world, our country. in communities. in relationships. our caregiving situation, Mom's health. 

I think the intensity of hospital work, much of it palliative care - suits me. maybe because for 1 thing realities are stark here. Less gameplaying, less room for foolishness. More space for telling the truth about the precarity of life (as i heard someone phrase it.) More room for acceptance and grace here, too....

one of the first visits of this day included singing "Pass Me Not Oh Gentle Shepherd" with a struggling patient (her request.) my last visit with a man of Hindu faith tearfully sharing words of prayer from his tradition (at my request). I see how all the chapters of my life have prepared me for this work....at least for this season. this season of living in this Louisiana landscape for longer than I could have imagined. living in as much light as I can find...

better stuff

facebook feels predictable to me these days: outrage. conflict. preening. it's too much.

so I'm turning it off and concentrating on better stuff.

today I listened to yesterday's Dr. Ury sermon: "An Indwelling Justice". such a good message and important for these days of cultural upheaval. I wonder how we can impact the culture if we're not actively deciding to love people - choosing to use whatever gifts and time we have to be "all in" vs. hiding away somewhere in our piety and privilege, talking endlessly of ideas more than we're making a difference. I was so struck by the words he shared from Catherine Booth about what sharing the gospel takes: "Here is the principle laid down, that you are to adapt your measures to the necessity of the people to whom you minister; you are to take the Gospel to them in such modes and habitudes of thought and expression and circumstances, as will gain for it from them a hearing."

what a woman of impact she was! I need to learn a lot more about her, I've decided:) of course I looked up the quote and read some more on her, including this: 

"four qualifications of a consistent witness for Jesus:

– The witness must be good – someone whose character matches their words.
– The witness must be faithful – someone who personally knows the truth and is willing to tell the whole truth; the convicting and healing truth of the gospel.
– The witness must be reliable – someone who is willing personally to go to those who need to hear the message; someone who accepts personal responsibility rather than merely sponsoring others to go.
– The witness must be courageous – like Daniel who was not ashamed or afraid of the consequences for his devotion to the Lord. A good witness must be willing to speak out for God whatever the cost."

being a worthy witness: so much to ponder! so I pondered some on a walk this evening:)  Louisiana is not known for Fall colors, but these lovely fall evenings are good for the soul. Being able to enjoy these timed right walks is a blessing of these unsettled days for me....

we can always be part of the solution in our culture, however small our roles may seem. But we have to actively engage! we can look at others with love, not distain. we can look at ourselves honestly, with grace. we can walk out of whatever closed background, place of hurt our stories include and allow our forgiven hearts to be restored - to see and be seen in the real world. Lord, make it so.

~ Daybook: January 26, 2020 ~

it's that time of year....for resolutions and new beginnings and all that. And i see i didn't blog even one time in 2019 : not a great loss to the world, but still. I'd like to get back to it now and then : this daybook format is the easiest and fastest structure to try and do that, so here we go.

 I'm definitely in the midst of a "new beginning" : I've either discussed with you or you've seen on fb  that I've entered into a CPE program (clinical pastoral education) so i won't elaborate here. This 1st week has been intense and challenging. i feel pretty confident that i can do this, at least theoretically. but I’m not sure I can balance learning in my 40s with being a caregiver and driving an hour into New Orleans to do it: so I guess we'll see how this all works out. sigh.

Outside my window.... it is a dreary, rainy, and gray Sunday afternoon. it is winter after all. i enjoy the seasons and i'm enjoying the cold, knowing it will be hot as hades soon enough. 

I am drinking...Coffee. Comfort for my heart...

I am listening... to the Gaither Vocal Band. just hearing their song "we are the stars, we are the sand" this afternoon : beautiful!

I am planning... so many things. too many for my small mind to manage. and my heart: it keeps stretching and growing. Even when I feel overwhelmed and inadequate: grace fills in the spaces....

In the kitchen... there is kingcake:) i love this time of year:)

Around the house... I am determined to bring some order. things have gotten out of hand and the pressure of disorganization hangs over my head....

I am missing... my work friends. More than we realize, i think, we become accustomed to doing life together and it's an adjustment for me to not be seeing some of the same supportive faces every day....

I am wearing... pajamas. it's pretty early in the afternoon, but I've already taken a shower and i'm determined to be asleep by 10pm so i can be up earlier than i'd like for morning driving...

I am thankful.... for my church family. our pastor was back today after being away for 2 Sundays - it was good to have him back! I was moved this morning by the loving, sweet spirit in our congregation. we have been through some stuff...and God has been good to us.

I am looking forward... to being in Florida in less than 2 weeks with some of my dearest friends!!!

a quote that's speaking to me: 
“Millions long for immortality but don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon." (Susan Ertz).

i could pontificate on this for awhile;) but the basic question is this : 'what is it you plan to do with your one precious life?' (Mary Oliver). Life moves so quickly : ”normal” can change in a second...restlessness and sadness sometimes drive us into new paths: these are the thoughts I am contemplating.

A peek into my life:

early morning drive a few days ago....

incomplete thoughts on a Sunday....

I’ve been playing piano for Catholic masses for a very long time now....@ 17 years I think.

Like so much of my life, beginning this role was unexpected.....and has lasted longer than anticipated.

Every now and then I evaluate why I keep doing this....I must be getting something out of it, right? besides the money, I mean......although that Has been much of it....for awhile being a lowly musician was my only source of income of any sort....it’s still the easiest way I have of earning needed funds.

there are other reasons, too, of course.

The bottom line is that I like doing it. And sometimes doing what you like is important.

this morning I noticed something: maybe it’s happened before and I just noticed it better today.

Most full masses start by singing (or reciting if there’s no music) the Gloria. I’m no good at the history here.....I’m a church girl (of course) so I do know where these words originate.....

but I’ve no idea how long this has been happening in the church. I know a Long time.....it seems to be part of every classical mass I’ve ever sung.

The musical setting can change (and there’s all sorts of dynamics involved in that, too). I happen to like the musical setting (Gokelman/Kauffman) we started using in the diocese I play within several years ago...

from my (limited) understanding, the Gloria serves as a sort of call to worship....its setting the tone for Why we’ve all gathered here in the 1st place ~ it’s not a creed, exactly.....it’s not declaring Why we believe certain things....but it Is a purposeful and participatory setting of ones heart gaze on Who we’ve gathered for....

the words go like this:

"Glory to God in the highest,

and on earth peace to people of good will. Lord Jesus Christ, Only Begotten Son,

Lord God, Lamb of God,
Son of the Father,
you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us;
you take away the sins of the world, receive our prayer;
you are seated at the right hand of the Father, have mercy on us.

For you alone are the Holy One,
you alone are the Lord,
you alone are the Most High, Jesus Christ,
with the Holy Spirit, in the glory of God the Father. Amen.”

this is what I noticed this morning:

I’m exhausted all the time these days (I guess that goes without saying) : this service time has been moved up 1 hour and begins at 8am...That. Is. Too. Early. For. Me. to be getting up on a Sunday morning after working all week (and often Saturdays, too) but the time change has worked well, actually, since my parents need me more on Sunday mornings now.

Sometimes.....often.....I'm pretty slumped in my posture (and in my spirit) at the piano. But as I made it through the opening parts of the Gloria today I found myself sitting up straighter.....my back felt more strong and I had a sense of body/spirit engagement....I realized I was listening to the words, the praise.....and both my body and my heart were responding.

Did I stay this way the entire service?

Probably not. 
i probably became distracted at points.....settled back in my chair during the homily, mind wandering...that's ok, really.
it's the story of life : we can't always stay energized,inspired, alert spiritually and physically.
we especially can't if bowed down by care and weariness.
But these moments of inspiration and invigoration matter : and i'm thankful when they happen.

"And ye, beneath life's crushing load, whose forms are bending low, 

who toil along the climbing way with painful steps and slow, 

look now! for glad and golden hours come swiftly on the wing. 

O rest beside the weary road, and hear the angels sing! 

(Edmund Sears)

Laundry on Sundays...

"Light Wash" (Andrew Wyeth)

Sundays are not altogether restful....in fact, they're far from it. I find myself often thinking about ways I can make things better -  more restful for myself : making more simple meals is one way I can do that....saying no better is probably another way I could. There are SO many things to get done, that when I "just sit" I can start feeling like I've wasted good work time.....I've just about cured myself of that guilt. ("should" mentality dies a hard and slow death:)

I have some fairly clear ideas about how I wish Sabbaths could be: and mine do not measure up to my ideals....

I'm not even going to record those lofty ideals here! today, I'm thinking about the mundane :  how the chore I do normally get around to on Sundays is laundry. It's easy! and necessary! it just takes me organizing myself a little bit - organizing the baskets the way I want them (note, I'm not inferring that I actually fold all the clothes!:) And to start the new week we can (- at the least -) have some clean clothes to wear....

I've felt lately that my soul needs a little washing up....it's feeling rather dried up and weary; exhausted from living and doubtful of certainty: if I could throw it quickly into the washer and dryer and have it come out sparkling new, full of renewed hope and purpose - I would.

But I can't. It doesn't quite work like that.

But some things do work: the mundane, normal Sundays rituals of reading Scripture, singing hymns, prayer (and repentance), purposing to listen to the preacher....and to God....and allowing the Holy Spirit to wash clean and renew my spirit can go a long ways in providing peace. Of course that can happen all week long : but if you're anything like me - sometimes it doesn't.

Today the pastor referenced these verses and I read (and heard ) them again (and I needed to hear them!):

Romans 8:31-39 (Message) "So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn’t hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn’t gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God’s chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture.........None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

These words help my faith....and leave my heart feeling a little lighter....

Blogging has fallen away for most of us...and I've been thinking that most of us rarely have an original thought anyways:) But these are my thoughts today...and i guess i should go fold some laundry now.