"With All My Heart"

If you know me well or have spent any time visiting us, you probably know about my mother's fondness for "routine" (it is mostly a brain thing, but we won't go into that now....) One way that shows itself is by her frequently saying (mainly) to my Dad but (also) to me not just "I love you"....but "I love you with all my heart!" (what a good routine!)

now...I would say that always my family has been "above average" in showing and expressing Love....what a gift! But this "with all my heart" stuff started after the stroke, and I'm actually not sure just how it started. But now she says it, writes it, is insistent upon it!:) (and we reciprocate...!) Mom is not deterred by the ribbing from her sister (Aunt Carolyn gets quite the kick out of it, even though Mom sometimes deems to use the salutation with her!) or her cousins.

So, pretty recently we've added a new part: I'll say...."how is that possible...how can you say that to me, and then turn right around and say it to Dad?!" She'll say: "It just is!"

Maybe that's the thing about the heart.....it really does have the capacity to expand, give, grow, take....without measure....if we let it.

Oh, how much I learn from observing my parents....about sacrificial Love, about truly Seeing another through Eyes of love and acceptance. How very blessed we are.

I think of a quote I 1st saw on the desk of a secretary at one of the "therapy" places I worked:

• Carson McCullers: "The hearts of small children are delicate organs. A cruel beginning in this world can twist them into curious shapes. The heart of a hurt child can shrink so that forever afterward it is hard and pitted as the seed of a peach. Or, again, the heart of such a child may fester and swell until it is misery to carry within the body, easily chafed and hurt by the most ordinary things."

Wow...how good (and if you've ever worked with truly damaged souls you know just how true it is) and wow, pretty depressing compared to the sunnier stuff I was saying! But this is the reality, whether it's pretty or not: we all have the potential for great love or great hurt...things will come, "stuff" will happen, our hearts may or may not become scarred. Likely, our hearts will break...over and over again (and if that happens, we may actually become useable people...).

"Lord, Help us to have Open Hearts, Open Eyes that see ourselves and others through your grace and with your love."

This Valentine's Day Week (and esp. with all the sad stuff that keeps happening) I say to all of you:

• "Love you with all My Heart!":) ♥

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”
(Elisabeth Kubler-Ross)

• I like this quote that I read today...so is the sun out for you today? Literally and figuratively, it is pretty cloudy here....

• I'm feeling sad about somewhat losing the "will to blog".... I miss it and feel frustrated that I've let FB crowd it out...not that it's a huge loss or anything...but still. And I think I won't share my posts on FB anymore...no real reason...just think maybe the two worlds are best kept apart....

• We're in "revival"...it's going well...I'm glad we're having it (esp. since it's my uncle that's here!) but I can hardly take in the spiritual renewal for feeling so tired out from all that must be done to get us all there every night...and in a decent spirit to do the music...

• I'm learning that sometimes I can hardly take on one more thing....stresses me out too much...I don't think that's complaining...just the truth.

• I'm just exhausted with a whole bunch of things...maybe the sun will be shining more brightly tomorrow....i have faith that it will!....but tonight I'm going to get a good long sleep...and not beat myself up for not magically having more energy...Love to all my blogger friends..... the few...the proud!:)

• "Holding the Memory of You"
• (Kelly Willard...lyrics and music)

• I'm holding the memory of You
• Close Inside my heart
• Especially when I have to look
• in the face of life's realities
• I'm holding the memory of You...
• Jesus, You are
• my only hope
• You help me
• make it through another day...
• Jesus, You are
• my only strength
• And whenever I lose my way
• Show me a glimpse of Your lovely face
• And all that Your name really means
• You're always so gentle with me
• So I'm holding the memory of You
• Holding the memory of You...

Bull?

So...a great subject...right? And it came from a lofty place: the promos for BW's interview with Patrick Swazy. The poor man has very serious cancer and was expressing his lack of tolerance for a lot of "bull" in his life. I know what he means.....

The farther I get on this journey (both of long term crisis/illness and of faith itself) the less stomach I have for very much "bull". Just can't take it. Overly silly things like excessive self-interest, self-righteousness, disrespectful attitudes, relationship politics, or game playing. Time is too short...there are too many real needs...just too much that deserves my energy to waste time frittering it among the weeds.

My good pastor has been admonishing us at the start of the year to evaluate our spiritual progress. An important thing to do. I am realizing that what may look like progress to one may look pretty different to another. And...what may look like regression could very well be progress. If I am truly progressing in a God-honoring direction, won't there actually be a falling away...a leaving behind....of some of the things that might have seemed pretty important in the past?

I want to know the difference. I want to hold onto what is important and let go of what is not. I want this year, this life to reflect Christ. Not a flawed perception of Him...not the perceptions set by others. I want to realize anew that it is His Strength that is perfect...mine never will be. My efforts are small in the light of His grace. I want to live and better share that grace (even let it cover what I label as "bull"!)

As I have pondered these admittedly scattered thoughts tonight (somewhere along the way they DO make sense to me!!) I read the following quote from Jenell Williams Paris on her blog. It doesn't necessarily match exactly with what I've said here, but I like it alot!

• "Churches organize people, funds, help, and childcare, and it's great when they do it well. But they also organize our identities, encouraging us to perceive ourselves and to project a public self that is (among other things) saved or damned, good or bad, or on the path or straying. That kind of organizational discourse is not helpful -- a person could be in good standing within the discourse yet be rotten in their heart, and vice versa (the wine and the wineskins). A person could spend their entire spiritual journey positioning and repositioning herself in a temporal social discourse. Even if the words are big ones like "Christian", "saved", "moral", or "sanctified", they're still just words. I want to pursue the God beyond discourse, the experience of the truth to which those big words refer. I can, and I will, but how much more wonderful if church could support the journey......Maybe we should be clear about what we're trying to do in church -- when we're organizing people and resources, let's do it well. But when it comes to personal identity, maybe Jesus' admonition to judge not (Sermon on the Mount) could first be applied to the self. We need to live our lives, and the living will be so much more clear and joyful if judgments are released. The pursuit of truth and morality could be so much more pure if one were not at the same time pursuing eternal self-interest."

*(and just to be clear, i do feel positive about the spiritual leadership of my own church...but I like how she assesses spiritual games in general and the inherent risks...yes, I'm paranoid!)

Happy New Year!

"Go for long walks,

Indulge in Hot Baths.

Question your Assumptions,

Be Kind to Yourself.

Live for the Moment,

Loosen up, Scream.

Curse the World,

Count your Blessings,

Just Let Go, Just Be."

(Carol Shields)

This quote is on my new favorite coffee cup that I bought for myself and also for a friend for Christmas. There are many more "deep", "spiritual" thoughts rolling around in my mind....but frankly, I doubt you really want to hear them and honestly I have many more questions than conclusions to offer. So I will use these words that for whatever reasons I am liking! Holiday seasons can be internally tricky for me and seemed a bit more so this year, although all in all it was a good time. But despite my "issues" I feel the presence of a God who is concerned...who teaches me...who speaks to me...who loves me despite my unworthiness. I know that will continue in the coming year. (Probably the "issues" will too:)!)

Happy New Year....May we all be blessed (everyone)!

"O Holy Child of Bethlehem, Descend on us, we pray.

Cast out our sin, and enter in;
Be Born in Us Today!"

(Philip Brooks, 1868)

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Merry Christmas to All of You....my friends...

(and just a few favorite pics with family and friends

of these days leading up to Christmas)

Snow!!

It snowed here yesterday...unbelievable! Definitely the most I've ever seen in La. I posted alot of pics on Facebook (yes, it is much easier there!) but thought I should at least post a couple here. It was beautiful!! but quickly overwhelmed this area....we are not equipped...lots of power outages, wrecks, and still no cable. Oh well, it was still a cool "snow day!"

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A Friday Fill-In:

1. Friends are irreplaceable.

2. Thinking you can control health is foolish; it's fragile.

3. I'm ready for a lack of responsibility.

4. "Burberry" is one of my favorite perfumes or aftershaves or smells.

5. The oldest ornament I have is some of Mom's (one I love says Noel and it hangs over the kitchen table every year).

6. Take some chocolate chips and Eagle Brand, mix it all together and you have easy, delicious fudge. (yum, I'm in the mood for some!:)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to staying warm in this frigid La snow:) and grocery shopping (oh joy...), tomorrow my plans include picking up Brent at the airport in New Orleans (he's doing a Christmas concert for us this weekend) and Sunday, I hope to have a decent crowd at church for the concert!