weakness....

Definition: An Achilles’ heel is a fatal weakness in spite of overall strength.

I've been contemplating this interaction between weakness and strength...

how usually there is a relationship between the character traits and innate personality composition that define the very best if who we are.....and the traits which seem to lead to our undoing...

I've observed much...thought about what I see in others...

but (while interesting) how beneficial is such an exercise?

what I am focusing more on is this question: What is my Achilles' Heel? (or...horrors!...maybe that should be plural!)

it seems as if some people can go an entire life...doing much, saying much...but lacking awareness of their greatest needs. ~ I very much do not want that to happen in my life.

I think I have a fairly clear picture of myself....good and bad.

And I'm aware that over self-evaluation can be somewhat self-indulgent, self-centered...distracting from the very important needs that surround us. Still, tending to the soul is a task that never should end.

So I am asking the Lord to show me more...open the eyes of my heart. I believe only He is able to accurately increase my vision...clearly, I need plenty grace and mercy along this path.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

this past Sunday I was privileged to hear my cousin Jamey preach a powerful sermon...in essence, evaluating the soil of the heart in sharing and receiving the Gospel. One phrase that so stood out and has stayed with me goes something like this "God doesn't build ponds of grace"...Grace is better pictured as a gushing, alive waterforce that breaks through the rocky, shallow, broken areas of our hearts. It is transformational and dynamic....it prepares the way. (i am likely grossly misrepresenting this truth that Jamey communicated so well!) This is the Grace I need. I sense the waves of change and doubt around me...Who will I be, How will I react in the storm? (and isn't there pretty much always a storm approaching, if we are honest?)

How very thankful I am for this endless stream of grace...it supports in new times of self-discovery...it changes what is wrong, what is weak...if I allow it to flow. That is my desire.

"The cleansing stream I see, I see...I plunge and oh it cleanseth me!" (Phoebe Palmer)

(Ansel Adams, Nevada Falls)

But In Other News...

Because I am blogging so infrequently these days...i find when I come to this page that I feel the urge to say something "Important"...that's always a dangerous impulse! And a pretty self-exalting one....so I will resist! There are many mind-boggling worries plaguing my mind these days....too many to share and frankly too many uncertainties for my small mind to handle...aarrgghh!!!!

But in other news:

~my Mom has been receiving some free facial reflexology...my massage therapist (and I use that term loosely since I've sadly only had ONE massage from her this year) recently went to a training on this fairly new technique,and wanted to practice on my Mom. I doubt that the results will amount to a hill of beans, but it is making Mom feel pampered and encouraged...that is good enough for me and we are thankful!

~same said therapist informed me at my massage on Sat. (where I once again discovered how very beat up my poor body is...and how close to the surface my emotions are...) that I probably should NOT be doing push-ups....unbelievably, I had been doing them regularly....but they are working the wrong muscles. So I will start using 5lbs weights when I do the elliptical machine...in no time I will have Michelle Obama arms...just wait and see....(below is me with some bday flowers pre-exercised, quasi-MO arms:)

~in pursuit of relaxation, I have been enjoying my eucalyptus-spearmint soothing sugar scrub...i love how it smells...between my buff arms and this pleasant aroma, I am a force to be reckoned with:) {the scrub was a gift from my friend Jen....mentioning her 2 posts in a row is a shameless attempt to get her blogging again...Jenny, we miss you!}

~I've had the best read recently: A Walk with Jane Austen by Lori Smith. This is a terrific book....esp. if you are an Austen fan...and if you happen to be a "single"...(both of which I am!)....stumbling on this book was a nice surprise...and perfect timing for my current ponderings...it has been a blessing for me, and I highly recommend it! Actually, I've been on somewhat of an Austen binge...reading....watching the dvds...so very fun. My favorite line from Smith: "If I could manage to fall in love without having to actually meet someone, that would be ideal." (see, that would just look so pathetic if I put it on fb!)

~another new quote that I'm loving comes from a book my cousin Rhonda sent me for my bday (Singular Existence by Leslie Talbot). I do not agree with all the views of this book, but this quote just kills me and (probably unfortunately) very much describes me: "I'm one of those people who are prone to "oversharing". Not in the spill your guts and pour your heart out to strangers kind of way, but more in the "this is how I feel; what do you mean you're offended by it?" kind of way." I'm, um, workin on this quality....

~I looked into my DSM-IV this evening...hadn't done that in awhile...so that was interesting, and made me realize how much I've forgotten....

~I've been listening to the old Steve Green Cd of Scripture songs for children..what a treasure. The sweetness of The Word truly shines a light of truth...drawing me into the comfort and pursuit of His will. I never want to let life's realities distract me from that path...i'm striving to pray more...and listen more.

~ I've also been listening alot to Brent V.'s "If You Seek Me".....very calming to me. The truth that God hears and heals us never fails to amaze me. But I've been asking myself..."Am I really seeking Him?"....times are exhausting....very many very real needs require just about all the energy I can muster....yet, how much more must I turn to truly seek Him for true wisdom and joy. But I want to balance that needed Self-focus with a very thorough Focus on the sufficiency of His Love...."For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38 (ASV)

a small life

This afternoon I got out my book "Horton Hears a Who!" (by Dr. Seuss of course!)...been thinking of it and just needed to read it again...and it prompted me to write out these very much random thoughts.

(an aside: it was a birthday gift from my dear friend Jenny back in 1996!!!...man, we're getting old!)

I've been thinking of this idea...what living a small life means:

• ~i think about it when i see or hear pictures from wonderful trips...by nature I'm a "goer" and I do an awful lot of "staying" these days.
• ~i think about it when I read about big cities, with exciting things, cool restaurants, great culture.
• ~i think about it when I hear of other's great "accomplishments"...it strikes me how easy it is to define "success" by numbers or bigness or "perfection" (whatever that is) or showiness. Hmmm, it that really success?
• ~i think about it even when hearing of the more "normal" joys and struggles of living...those that occur in career, family, society...that merry-go-round of life that I find myself not riding.

But, truly, I know how blessed I am...I have been able to travel around a fair bit, have done some pretty exciting things, have accomplished a few things, and have some people in my life who really do care about me...and...(despite or perhaps through the smallness of my life) I am at peace....I am clear on what I value and Who values me.

That sounds lofty, doesn't it? Other times I feel like the Whoville people crying out in fear, in need of rescue:

• "we are here! we are here! we are here!"

Cause that's also the very real reality...the daily smallness of this current life of mine is pretty unnoticeable...and sometimes insanely and boringly repetitive.

But here's the truth:
"A person's a person, no matter how small!"
That applies to me, to my dear parents, ....and to you! We matter...the little, unexciting details of our lives matter. We matter to God, and (we should) matter to one another. I've been trying to look at even the most hopeless of folks with eyes of grace open to their true, Divinely given potential...not just focusing on their visible mistakes and tragedies. It upsets me so much to see the heartbreak of others...and I can only imagine how much pain it brings the Father.

"A person's a person no matter how small!"....that's not true because Dr. Seuss wrote it...it's true because God believes it....and showed it. Jen's Bday note in my book included this Scripture reference:
Proverbs 31:8-9 (The Message) "Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. Speak out for justice! Stand up for the poor and destitute!"

I want to better live that in my own life...and for the lives of those around me.

"The Woman"

(by Madeleine L'Engle)

Jesus, to the woman taken in adultery:
Go, and sin no more.

It is not
what it was
or could have been
or might have been
or should have been
or what I thought it would be
or dreamed about
or expected
or longed for
or prayed for.

It is what is.
Nowhere else but
Here. Now.
Only in the is
(not the ought)
does love grow-
is joy found.

Never in vain hopings
in vanity
in vaunting
or wishing or pretending
or dreaming
but here. Now.

Never in saying
it was not my fault
it shouldn't have been
I couldn't help it
but I meant
but he didn't
but you don't understand.

Never
there.
Only here
in the painful light
of my own sin
accepted
seen in it's ugliness
repented
forgiven
(forgiveness hurts)

let me turn
seeking nothing
asking nothing
here
only here
in the longed for
Word.

Only now can I say
I love you.

Randomly noting 2 years...

Tomorrow marks my 2nd anniversary as a blogger:)...it just about slipped up on me...checked the date of my 1st post...and...bingo...saw that, indeed, tonight completes another year.

I've definitely been a blog-neglector lately! My friend Becca imagined her blog in "lonely" mode...but I imagine this blog as having very much enjoyed these sparse days..."whew...that crazy girl has quit spewing out her thoughts on me...so embarrassing when she does that!"

It's not that I've not been doing any thinking or pondering or the like...just that most of it has been rather too weighty to publish....too sad, too controversial, too exhausting.

And then there's the facebook diversion...fun, sweet, silly, ultimately...easier. I know I'm not a great writer simply by the fact that I seem to have no great need to do it....sometimes there's the urge, but I sense it's the connecting part I like best......and some things are just too tough to write about anyway.

But they've changed up fb a little today...not enough that it should matter to even pseudo-ocd types like me:)...but enough of a change to maybe drive me back into the arms of Blogger a little....

I'm not that good at fb anyway....(although I do love it)...i'm too wordy...not concise in any sense of the word, not witty...very random and too "big-picture" thinking to put clear thoughts into just a few words....

2009 has been BUSY thus far....and has held some really good moments....but has taken a deep plunge into quietness....(too many reasons why to explain here)....and then there's the dip into tiredness and some sadness after a glorious "girlfriends reunion" last weekend...(see Julia's blog for an awesome summing up of that...)

(Here we all are in Tn. , in case you haven't seen it on fb:)

So tonight...i'm layin low....trying to build up some stamina to face the next few months....with some sense of discipline and purpose. I just took a long bath and read "The Year of Living Biblically" (Jacobs) whilst in the tub...(see, I wouldn't say that on fb:) I recommend both (the long bath and the book:) And I'm slinking back into blogger world...is anyone out there still?....is there still room for verbose, unclear, emotive thinking aloud?....

I'll end with this wonderful prayer I saw on another blog...it's how I'm feeling....my need for more openness to uncertainty...more relying on grace as I honestly grapple with some things (that probably won't ever see the light of day here on blogger OR fb....)

• "May all your expectations be frustrated; may all your plans be thwarted; may all your desires be withered into nothingness....that you may experience the powerlessness and poverty of a child; and sing and dance in the poverty of God; Who is the Father, Son and Spirit. Amen." Brennan Manning

"Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Shine Your face upon this house tonight.
Let no evil come into my dreams;
Light of heaven, keep me in Your peace.

Remind me how You made dark spirits flee,
And spoke Your power to the raging sea.
And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man;
Remind me, Jesus, this is what I am.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls,
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me, and bind me . . . .

With all my heart I love You, Sovereign Lord.
Tomorrow, let me love You even more.
And rise to speak the goodness of Your name
Until I close my eyes and sleep again.

The universe is vast beyond the stars,
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls,
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me, and bind me . . . .

Jesus, King of angels, heaven's light,
Hold my hand and keep me through this night."

(Fernando Ortego)

************

"What happens to all my prayers — those that are not answered, and those that seem to make things worse...? Surely they are still sustaining me. Perhaps there will be unexpected answers to them, answers I may not even be aware of for years. I cannot believe they are wasted or lost. I do not know where they have gone, but I believe God holds them, hand outstretched to receive them like precious pearls."

(Madeleine L’Engle: Cries from the Heart)

"With All My Heart"

If you know me well or have spent any time visiting us, you probably know about my mother's fondness for "routine" (it is mostly a brain thing, but we won't go into that now....) One way that shows itself is by her frequently saying (mainly) to my Dad but (also) to me not just "I love you"....but "I love you with all my heart!" (what a good routine!)

now...I would say that always my family has been "above average" in showing and expressing Love....what a gift! But this "with all my heart" stuff started after the stroke, and I'm actually not sure just how it started. But now she says it, writes it, is insistent upon it!:) (and we reciprocate...!) Mom is not deterred by the ribbing from her sister (Aunt Carolyn gets quite the kick out of it, even though Mom sometimes deems to use the salutation with her!) or her cousins.

So, pretty recently we've added a new part: I'll say...."how is that possible...how can you say that to me, and then turn right around and say it to Dad?!" She'll say: "It just is!"

Maybe that's the thing about the heart.....it really does have the capacity to expand, give, grow, take....without measure....if we let it.

Oh, how much I learn from observing my parents....about sacrificial Love, about truly Seeing another through Eyes of love and acceptance. How very blessed we are.

I think of a quote I 1st saw on the desk of a secretary at one of the "therapy" places I worked:

• Carson McCullers: "The hearts of small children are delicate organs. A cruel beginning in this world can twist them into curious shapes. The heart of a hurt child can shrink so that forever afterward it is hard and pitted as the seed of a peach. Or, again, the heart of such a child may fester and swell until it is misery to carry within the body, easily chafed and hurt by the most ordinary things."

Wow...how good (and if you've ever worked with truly damaged souls you know just how true it is) and wow, pretty depressing compared to the sunnier stuff I was saying! But this is the reality, whether it's pretty or not: we all have the potential for great love or great hurt...things will come, "stuff" will happen, our hearts may or may not become scarred. Likely, our hearts will break...over and over again (and if that happens, we may actually become useable people...).

"Lord, Help us to have Open Hearts, Open Eyes that see ourselves and others through your grace and with your love."

This Valentine's Day Week (and esp. with all the sad stuff that keeps happening) I say to all of you:

• "Love you with all My Heart!":) ♥