Lately Reading...

it's both a calm & a complex sort of afternoon here....i have a gumbo started on the stove: which is kind of a big deal ~ although i'm a genuine La. girl, i'd usually rather buy my gumbo than make it! but my Mom is helping me with this one, so hopefully it will turn out well. it seems so long since i've blogged that i thought i'd do something quickly while i watch the gumbo...
i've been doing more reading lately...i'm kinda proud that i've actually been finishing up some of the many books i keep starting:) Remember when we used to "review" and share reads in the "old-timey" days of blogging? i kinda miss that...so here's a listing of some of what i've been reading
(in no particular order):

~The Emily Series & The Blue Castle (L. M. Montgomery): these books are so comforting...and funny...and bittersweet. i've been reading Montgomery since i could read, it seems....and her books are like wonderful old friends to me.
~Me, Myself, & Bob (Phil Vischer): this is the story of VeggieTales...it's creation and it's demise. it's a fascinating read...what a brilliant guy Phil Vischer is! but it's also the story of losing a lot...and how Vischer learns to live "Holding everything loosely but God Himself." very good.
~Tattoos On The Heart (the power of boundless compassion) (Fr. Gregory Boyle): i'm about 1/2 way through this  one. Boyle founded "Homeboy Industries", a gang-intervention program in LA. I've heard him interviewed and his spirit and this story is very inspiring!!
~The Liars' Club (Mary Karr): this memoir tells the story of a family so dysfunctional that lots of other stories pale in comparison! it's tough reading!! very!! but SO interesting...lots to learn here. it's set in East Texas and i can really relate to the cultural dynamics. so well-written.
~An Unquiet Mind (Kay Redfield Jamison): Jamison is one of the foremost authorities on manic-depressive illness...and suffers from the disorder herself. this is not a new book and it is a must-read for anyone interested in mental illness or working in the field. it's beautifully written and helps me feel so much compassion for these issues. On our worst days, most of us still don't know what depression or mania feels like and Jamison helps us understand better.
~The End of Sexual Identity (Jenell William Paris): i was a big fan of JWP's blog and i'm sad that she's stopped it. This book is rather "scholarly" and i'm pretty sure i don't wind up in the same place as she does on some of these issues. But it's interesting reading...about some important subjects. (esp. interesting is her use of The Holiness Manifesto!)
~bagels and grits (A Jew on the Bayou) (Jennifer Anne Moses): she had me with the title!:) and i actually got to hear this author speak  in Baton Rouge. This is her spiritual autobiography and challenged & deepened my own faith. It's good when books do that...
~ The Provence Cure for the Brokenhearted (Bridget Asher): this is a lovely and fun read. but it also explores grief and loss and love....and the possibilities of new beginnings. i love this quote: "Grief is a love story told backward."
~ crazy love (Francis Chan) and Lies Women Believe (Nancy Leigh DeMoss): i read both of these for church....had heard about both so it was good to read them for myself. They're both worth reading! especially good is Chapter 7 in crazy love. i really enjoyed the bible study we've had with the DeMoss book...
~We Live As Christ (Dennis Kinlaw): i was prompted to reread this book as i prepared for giving a little talk at my church...and i'm so glad i did! this is a powerful, convicting read....full of admonition but full of God's grace and faithfulness. Now to read the other Kinlaw books i have....
~Grace (Eventually) (Anne Lamott): i've just started rereading this one...every now and then when i start to feel a bit pressured by "performance ideals"....it's good to read a little Lamott!:)

ok...done listing for now...but not done reading... i've learned about myself that no matter how long it takes me to finish reading something, i eventually will finish it!! i've learned that i probably never will be the world's deepest reader...likely will never win on some check-off list of classics. i'm so tired most of the time that sometimes reading is just too much effort. So i have to read books that nurture my soul and interest my mind. Cliched reads just don't do it for me. i'm loving memoirs more & more the older i get. i like variety...and i like to hear different points of view. mostly, i love books that transport me a little...not to some imaginary escape land....but to a place where i can see my reality in a new (hopefully better) way.

so...what are you reading these days?

"Send Us Your Spirit"

(by D. Schutte)

"Send us your spirit, O Lord.

Evening enfolds us and holds us too near.

Wake the morning light.

Make our living bright.

Shine on our darkness, O Lord.

Hold us with mercy, O Lord.

Sorrow has spoken, has broken our hearts.

Clothe us in your care.

Be the life we bear.

Feed us and fill us, O Lord.

Teach us your wisdom, O Lord.

Shadows have clouded, have crowded our sight.

Give us hearts that see.

Set our loving free.

Hear us and help us, O Lord.

Send us good summer, O Lord.

Winters have chilled us, and stilled us too long.

Give us love’s own fire.

Be our true desire.

Send us your spirit, O Lord."

~We sang this song tonight at my Catholic job...it had been a long, long time since we'd done it and i'd missed it. It's lovely music and seems to fit what my heart is feeling. True, it is summer (and it is ever so hot!!) but yet, there have been chilling things...hard things...confronting my heart. I am more aware than ever of how very much i need the Spirit to help me walk in truth...to gracefully navigate disappointment and trying times, and Life itself. But i don't want to just be "aware"...i want to better live the life of dependence and consecration. 

(maybe one day i'll actually blog some original thoughts again and not just poems and songs:) i do have an pseudo-original thought now and then:)

"Adage"

"Adage" (Billy Collins)

When it’s late at night and branches
are banging against the windows,
you might think that love is just a matter

of leaping out of the frying pan of yourself
into the fire of someone else,
but it’s a little more complicated than that.

It’s more like trading the two birds
who might be hiding in that bush
for the one you are not holding in your hand.

A wise man once said that love
was like forcing a horse to drink
but then everyone stopped thinking of him as wise.

Let us be clear about something.
Love is not as simple as getting up
on the wrong side of the bed wearing the emperor’s clothes.

No, it’s more like the way the pen
feels after it has defeated the sword.
It’s a little like the penny saved or the nine dropped stitches.

You look at me through the halo of the last candle
and tell me love is an ill wind
that has no turning, a road that blows no good,

but I am here to remind you,
as our shadows tremble on the walls,
that love is the early bird who is better late than never.

~~~~~~~~~

i like this poem so very much.....

thinking about my little world...

It's Summertime....and it's so very hot and sticky here in La.!!! There's certainly a part of me that's very comfortable and "at home" in the Southern heat! but still, this is good weather to stay inside and be thankful for air-conditioning! Truth is, i spend way more time inside than i would like....it's difficult to leave Mom for very long and there's lots to be done to keep things running in this home....

sometimes, i definitely chaff at all my inside time....i miss the days of carefully planned out subdivisions and beautiful city parks...*sigh* (trivial, i know) 
And it may not be to my own benefit, but my mind has been pondering some related bigger ideas.....
~how does one keep a "wide-looking" kind of mind while living a pretty small life?
~how does one live a rather "self-contained" sort of life without retreating into self-isolation or self-indulgence?

The World is so very big.....

....but it feels smaller than ever because of how we're all linked through technology. And across the planet, we're so alike in so many way....but yet our frames of reference remain so different. i love reading and watching how people live and think in other corners of the world...it helps me realize how many opinions there are on any number of subjects...and helps me see how i might very well not be all right in my ways of thinking. (imagine that!!)  Today i heard a journalist being interviewed about his coverage of some of the protests occurring in Yemen. Only a few women were allowed at the protests and they were sequestered in a "safe" location in the larger crowd. He spoke with a woman who holds a Doctorate degree and teaches at a university...but who was completely veiled except for her eyes. Her words : "Just because my body is veiled doesn't mean my mind is veiled." Powerful words! Sometimes i wonder how responsible we are for keeping our minds & our hearts veiled : because it feels safer, because it requires energy & effort to think differently, because we don't trust ourselves (or God) enough to live free of the constraints placed upon us by others....

Self-containment can be a good thing (thank God as an only child i learned how to independently interest and entertain myself...it doesn't take much for me to be happy!:).....but at the same time, if we're left to just think & live any way we jolly well please (without considering the input or needs of others) we're likely to have a wasteful & unproductive existence. (not to mention one that glorifies self and not God!!) This is especially a risk for those of us who are single, i think....but certainly doesn't only apply to us. Plenty of married folks become so fixated on an idealized family life that it risks becoming an isolating idol to them. On both ends of the spectrum, we need each other....we're created to be unique & strong individuals; so that, together, we can be strong communities. So, while (most of the time) i feel just fine with myself and my place in my own little world...i'm striving to stay aware of how i fit into the larger puzzle, striving to not make my little kingdom the only one that matters, striving to be aware of the needs and hurts of others (near & far away).

Does any of this rambling offer logically-defined answers? probably not! but these few thoughts are what's on my mind and how will you know them unless i share?!:)

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." 

(Marcel Proust)


"We must be global Christians with a global vision because our God is a global God." 
           (John Stott)

To E. ~ Sara Teasdale

"I have remembered beauty in the night,
 Against black silences I waked to see
 A shower of sunlight over Italy
And green Ravello dreaming on her height;
I have remembered music in the dark,
 The clean swift brightness of a fugue of Bach's,
 And running water singing on the rocks
When once in English woods I heard a lark.

But all remembered beauty is no more
 Than a vague prelude to the thought of you --
 You are the rarest soul I ever knew,
    Lover of beauty, knightliest and best;
My thoughts seek you as waves that seek the shore,
    And when I think of you, I am at rest."

i've been reading a little poetry lately...
some Tennessee Williams, some Kaye Gibbons in a bookstore. I realize how very much brilliant writing there is out there...and how little of it i've read...
We have been singing an arrangement of this Teasdale poem this semester in choir...it is just gorgeous, but the words are arranged a little differently for the musical setting...the original is better (of course). This poem is from her larger volume "Love Songs"...beautiful words. I remember liking a Sara Teasdale poem in high-school...but i didn't know much about her story...it's pretty tragic. But her writing is so very lovely. (does it make me totally shallow that i always think of Emma's "Mr. Knightly" when i sing this song?!...probably!:) anyway...poetry...it makes me happy.

Fully...

"Fully alive in your spirit
Lord make me fully alive
Fully aware of your presence Lord
Totally fully alive" (Gaithers)

i spent some time a couple of days ago reading a newish, popular devotional type book in BAM.
there's a lot to be gleaned from the book, for sure...
the writer uses the phrase "fully alive" several times...
which (of course!!) made me think of this old Gaither song...
(and no!! this blog has not suddenly become an homage to Gaither music:) (but i just can't help it...a lot of their music is in my heart.)
it's an old song...but we're still singing it at my church...just this last weekend, as a matter of fact...

"Fully" Defined = "completely or entirely" : "without lacking or omitting anything"
"Fully" for me includes honesty...."being real" (i know that phrase can be overused!)...and including everything...(to a fault!!)
that's how i mostly approach life and relationships...
and how i approach spiritual ideas...
but sometimes what i define as "fully" i think comes across as complaining...and makes others uncomfortable.
i really don't desire to be any other way....but i don't want to be a complainer, either!!
I Know that a Joyful and Calm heart are basic requirements blessings of living in the light...
but living in the light does not blind us to the very real sorrows and difficulties of life...and i'm not sure we're required called to perform as if those things do not exist...or to tack on pretty answers to all of the Very Hard questions we all face. But it all has to be balanced out...the questioning and the letting go.
ultimately, the letting go is only possible if we fully trust that the love of God is enough....
Learning and Knowing!!! without a doubt that God is with me...is for me...in the good and bad times...that i don't have to somehow convince Him to stick around....has been a very freeing and comforting reality for me.

My brief reading reminded me of this truth about my spiritual heritage : My eyes have been very blessed to see real - life faith lived out. In very undramatic ways, sure....but lived out, all the same. I realize that many, many people walk away from God in tough times. i feel so thankful that my family did not walk away...but passed on Strong Faith, even when it wasn't easy. That absolutely has nothing to do with Me!! (or in some way Them) but with their cooperation with the Holy Spirit's help in their own
(sometimes broken) hearts...
you see, both sides of my family have dealt with huge pains...and huge losses...
but, in very undramatic ways,
they just kept on keeping on...
i'm not sure it was even in their makeups to ask the reasons "why"...or to try and make a lot of sense of it all...
sometimes i think that whether it comes from a Christian or non-Christian viewpoint, the reason we have to find a "reason" behind every happening in life is that it helps us feel more in control....
we run from mystery and no-good-answers...

we had a special speaker at our church last weekend.
(Mr. Don Davison)
He asked the question "What is the tone of your spirit?"
And i was brought up short with that question...
because, i think, there can be a fine line between honesty and belligerence.

i absolutely want the "tone of my spirit" to honor God...
for my spirit to be Open...
because He has been so very kind and faithful to my heart...
and because what i Know...is that even in the hardest of times, Faith is possible...it is redemptive...it is sustaining...it enables us to be Fully Alive.

i Know it because i've seen it happen...and i've experienced it happening...(even though i can't explain it very well.) i want to be fully aware...fully honest...fully responsive to God's workings....fully trusting in His ability to redeem all of life's chaotic struggles...

(*disclaimer* sometimes i'm not sure just who is reading this blog anymore...(blessed few, i think!:)...but if you've read here before you may note that this post is even more disjointed than normal...that's because it reflects a whole bunch of different ideas that have been on my mind but which i was not quite able to explain in any sort of shiny, cohesive sort of way!:) But know that these words are from my heart...)

~Take His Peace~

"When the whirlwinds of doubt churn their way into your soul,

Take His peace
When your world's reduced to ashes, Leaving nothing firm and whole
Take His peace

There amidst the broken wreckage in the 
midnight of your day, 
In the apex of the stormcloud, He's the quiet place to stay,
Take His peace

When your mind gropes for answers to the 
questions that you face,
When your past comes back to haunt you and you need amazing grace...
Ah...There's an answer beyond question, It's the 
truth for which you yearn:
There's forgiveness without merit, 
There's a love you needn't earn,
Take His peace

When your're weary of the struggle and you need 
a place to rest,
When you lose more than you're winning and you're failing every test.
Take His peace

You see...There's no need to win a battle that's been fought and won before;
You can lay back in the Victory, Freely share 
His boundless store,
Take His peace, Take His Peace."
(Bill and Gloria Gaither)

i put this record on this morning as i was helping my Mom get ready for the day. (yes i said record!!:) This project has had a big musical and spiritual influence on my life...maybe kinda funny! but true. i've been listening to these songs my whole life, it seems. i distinctly remember jamming out to the music when i was a little girl (just get a mental image of that, dear friends!:)....and the lyrics continue to bless me every time i play these songs....as the "seasoned and mature" adult that i am!:) (Of course, it was my dear parents who chose what music played in our home and influenced me....they made good choices and i'm grateful.)


there's just so many good songs here : "More of You", "The World Didn't Give it to Me" (that's my jammin song!! incidentally, accompanied by my little bumble-bee tambourine!:)) "I Will Praise Him" "Precious Jesus" (i can hear my Mom singing this song....she loved it, and sang it so beautifully.)


and there's "Take His Peace"....which is basically a recitation by Gloria, combined with the old gospel song "Wonderful Peace". So simply but profoundly written...steeped in good theology....powerful and rich truth....and exactly what  i needed to hear today. There's so much unpeace surrounding us.....so much sadness and struggling and sin-consequences everywhere we look. It can feel like an overwhelming burden (at least to my shrinking heart). But we do not have to live as those who have no hope.... mercifully, He is able to bring peace and calm to even the faintest of hearts.


Take His Peace...that's an action verb. I'm pretty sure she wrote it that way on purpose! His Peace is always Available....It is Abundant...He gives it without reserve (and when i don't deserve it!)....but it Is dependent on my willingness to receive.


I am Willing....
Willing to Live in His Peace.