Waiting....

i've been waiting and waiting to try and make my blog look better. mostly, i've been "patiently" ignoring how bad it's been looking.....and how frustrated it was making me feel that with the new blogger changes, my old tried and true roses-template would no longer work! but this past Sunday afternoon i (and my Dad) tried and tried to fix it...to no avail....and i about lost my mind in the process!! (foolish, i know!!) but thanks to a nice person named Michelle at Shabby Creations, (and the mere $10 i paid her) it's looking better tonight! and i'm sooooooooo pleased with the new look...


there's lots of changes in my little world.....lots of water flowing under lots of bridges....but tonight i'm happy to be listening to my new Stan Whitmire cd (of the Carpenter's music:)....and despite a whole lot of "stuff", i have an unexplainable peace in my heart...
and i just have to celebrate the improved look with a few little words...


it occurs to me that i've done a lot of waiting in my life....and just when i think i've gotten good at it, i realize i have more to learn....
and God is teaching me things; patiently, faithfully, and with so much mercy....


i'm reading a wonderful new book, Still (notes on a mid-faith crisis) by Lauren Winner. It was a gift from a friend and her timing (and God's) was impeccable. Winner writes: "The middle of the spiritual life may have many windows, and lots and lots of light, but it will also be a season of winnowing." and "Sometimes the reshaping is not big, not audible; not a move, a marriage, a child, a heroic change of course. Sometimes it is only inside, how you make sense of things. Sometimes it is only about who you know yourself to be." Yes....


This life of faith can never be stagnant...i believe we must continue to be open to His changing grace ~ open to letting go of what needs to go....holding onto Him and His abiding love. He is continuing to work on me....as i learn more & more how to wait...and rest...in Him.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him."
(Psalm 62:5)

i realize that my blog looks strange....i hope to get it looking right soon:) and i hope to be able to get my roses back:) ahhh....change....it is everywhere i look!!

Are You Able?

"Are ye able, said the Master,
To be crucified with Me?
Yea, the sturdy dreamers answered,
To the death we follow Thee.


(Refrain)
Lord, we are able. Our spirits are Thine.
Remold them, make us, like Thee, divine.
Thy guiding radiance above us shall be
A beacon to God, to love and loyalty.

Are you able to relinquish
Purple dreams of power and fame,
To go down into the Garden,
Or to die a death of shame?

Are ye able, when the anguish
Racks your mind and heart with pain,
To forgive the souls who wrong you,
Who would make your striving vain?

Are ye able to remember,
When a thief lifts up his eyes,
That his pardoned soul is worthy
Of a place in paradise?

Are ye able when the shadows
Close around you with the sod,
To believe that spirit triumphs,
To commend your soul to God?

Are ye able? Still the Master
Whispers down eternity,
And heroic spirits answer,
Now as then in Galilee."
(Marlatt/Mason)

this song has been on my mind in these days
leading up to Easter....
it was in our "old" hymnal...and i got it out and have been reading through the lyrics...
i hadn't thought about these words in a long time, but i remember thinking on them and playing the music a lot when i was quite young. i do not remember singing this as a congregation, but (for whatever reason) i was attracted to it. That probably says something about who i was then (and who i am now)...and mostly, it speaks to the powerful potential of music to impact the heart.

all these years later (and with a bit more realization of the cost) i know i'm Not Able....
not able to be content or courageous...not able to be Christlike...not able to live a life that bears the mark of the cross....Unless!! His Spirit remakes My spirit!!
Then (and only then) can the seed planted long ago of wanting to please Him bear fruit. None of my personal efforts or tangible trappings serve as a substitute for His Transforming Presence.

Thinking about His sacrifice...and His great love makes me Want to be willing to walk the way of the Cross. His daily grace makes it actually possible for me to Follow Him.
What Amazing Grace!

11 questions :)

i read recently that if one wants to keep up one's blog, then one should actually post regularly....and maybe even now and then have give-aways and other such things to gin up interest. i'd say that i'm following that prescription very badly! it's not that i don't have things on my mind to write about....(still thinking hard on mercy & forgiveness vs. resentment....still listening and being changed by Dr. Ury's series on these topics....recently feeling interested in how important it is to consider nuances in personalities and in situations....) But these subjects seem awfully big!...and just too much for me to tackle at the moment! So i saw the question-tagging thing happening again in blog world (very easily changed up to be whatever you want it to be!) and this seemed like a fun and doable way to post again. Maybe you should resurrect your blog, too!!

1) What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? 

chocolate... chocolate...anything chocolate!!

2) Do you watch reality tv? well, if you call "House Hunters-International" and "Chopped" reality tv. i'm a little obsessed with those! addicting! (i could use this moment to rail against seedy shows like "The Bachelor" and the like...how they demean women and corrupt the nation...how even decent people somehow find them entertaining!!....but i'll just refrain, i guess!!)

3) Who or what inspired you to start blogging? long story short : the 1st blog i ever read belonged to Keith....i was looking up info. about a youth camp, and it popped up. His blog was insightful and well-written. Then, an individual a lot of us knew in a Christian college died tragically....in seeking info. about that situation, my old friend Becca pointed me to several blogs....and then she started one herself! (it's still going and is a lovely place!) i thought the idea of connecting in this way and of being able to write a little was worth trying. and so i tried it. and liked it. many of my best friends started blogs, too...and our friendships were enhanced. i still like blogging. (even if fb has replaced the community feel of it.)

4) What recently read book has impacted you the most? i am currently reading As For Me and My House (Walter Wangerin, Jr.) Dr. Ury mentioned it on his show as the best book he ever read on marriage/family (specifically as it relates to forgiveness). I would certainly agree that it's the best of that genre that i've ever read! (why one such as i is reading such things is a fair question!) i am having to read it slowly...it is powerful...
stripped clean of facades and stereotypes. It is helping me go deep into my heart and be more honest about myself before God.
~ I just started reading The Memory Palace (Mira Bartok)....i've been wanting to read it and snapped it up when i saw it at the library. It's fascinating...and sad.

5) What is your reoccurring dream? i sometimes dream that i am doing something like driving without having my contacts on. In the dream, i'm seeing the world with my bad vision! it's always disorienting and a little scary to dream like that! the older i get, the more i believe in and the more i am thankful for good sleep!

6) What have you said to get out of a speeding ticket? Oh, i can do pitiful pretty well!:) i've managed to get out of 2 tickets by pleading! In the awful wreak i recently had,  i wasn't even trying to get out of a ticket!! but they didn't give me one even though i clearly deserved it. Thankful for mercy!!
7) What song could you listen to over and over?
Secret Garden (Springsteen).....it's mesmerizing.

8) Calories don't count, what are you going to devour? this can certainly vary with mood.....currently, i could go for a steak, baked potato, and salad...and a BIG piece of chocolate cheesecake for dessert (with good coffee, of course:)

9) If you could do one thing without any repercussions, what would it be? go for a loooooong trip to Europe; some of the time alone, some of the time with friends. (i guess that actually has less to do with repercussions and more to do with responsibilities, $$, and courage.) i think there would be too many repercussions in my world & in my heart for being totally away from everything here for the longest time : but being anonymous in a place for  awhile sure has appeal for me....

10) When was the last time you cried? And why? i cried at church this past Sunday, at the wonder of His sacrifice when we were so unworthy. some of the sweet comments on fb in the last couple days have brought tears...

11) If there is one thing you regret and would change if you could, what would it be? i wish that my parents were grandparents. i am sad that they're not.

"So speak and so do as those who will be judged 

by the law of liberty. For judgement is without mercy 

to the one who has shown no mercy. 

Mercy triumphs over judgement." 

(James 2:12-13)

When i read these words in James a few nights ago they startled me...in a good way! I think i barely understand the depths of God's mercy. How and to whom it reaches...in ways that do not fit into neat little theological boxes. And i barely understand how He desires that mercy to be alive in me, His child. He wants me/you to live with mercy...to extend mercy to others...to all others, not just the ones who agree with us, who are like us. In even the toughest situations, to even the ones who annoy and offend us the most : Mercy should and must triumph over judgement!!!

I'm not pretending i've got this figured out!! it's just what's on my mind.....and i think it's probably on my mind for a reason. I honestly don't have much trouble being merciful in a whole lot of cases....it's easy for me to take into account all shades of a situation....to see all sides of a person. it's not necessarily a virtue on my part, it's just how i think...

BUT, i'm awfully judgmental in other settings. i hold a pretty unreasonable standard for other Christians, especially...it's difficult for me to understand how some incredibly good people can be so very wrong (ie think differently than i :) on issues that i find easy to see clearly in the light of Christlikeness. Ummmm...yeah...i'm probably not the person they're responsible to....and it's probably not my job to judge even them!!

I recently read these words from Rachel Held Evans and they resonated with me : "we all carry around false fundamentals. We all have unexamined assumptions and lists of rules, both spoken and unspoken, that weigh down our faith. We've all got little measuring sticks that help us determine who's "in" and who's "out", and we've all got truths we don't want to face because we're afraid that our faith can't withstand any change. .....In a way, we're all fundamentalists. We all have pet theological systems, political positions, and standards of morality that are not essential to the gospel but that we cling to so tightly that we leave fingernail marks on the palms of our hands." Yes!! Yes!! i so very much need to remember this....to let go of my judgmentalism...to allow Mercy to triumph over my own sense of justice and rightness.....

And then there's self-judgement...the merciless treatment i can heap onto myself. I think i know how some of that developed...indeed, the high prevalence of certain structures to even encourage such poor self-treatment. Even as i look back over this season of caregiving, i can think of all the things i could've & should've done better. For the most part, i did the best i could have for my Mom's needs....but, surely, i could have kept a more organized house...should have practiced my violin in all my "free time" (man, i would have been awesome!!)...could have read more deeply, maybe even gotten another degree under my belt or something! Silly, isn't it???!!!!! i know it, but yet i think these things ... (and about a million other such thoughts.) And, of course, i have regrets for attitudes that could have been more consistently kind and supportive; not frustrated and self-centered. Certainly, there is a place for constructive reflection and change; but i think there's also a place for Mercy....even with myself. 

i've been listening to Dr. Ury's series on forgiveness. It's prompted some of these thoughts, i'm sure. In This sermon, he so masterfully points out the misguidedness of thinking we can "forgive ourselves" (kind of a popular school of thought in the culture.) And i think that probably applies to our inability to be merciful with others ~ or with ourselves ~ apart from Jesus. Yes, Jesus calls us to mercy and forgiveness....but it's impossible to pull off that kind of living (the kind of living that costs us everything!) without His help!! 

How absolutely humbling to begin to grasp the promise of His empowerment...

~only His presence can make me 

the merciful person i want to be ~

"There comes a time when our eyes are opened 

and we come to realize that mercy is infinite. 

We need only await it with confidence 

and receive it with gratitude." 

("Babette's Feast")

a grand little idea...

i bought this book and have started reading it this week.....and i'm enjoying it so much! i bought it on a whim for $3 at BAM....i had never heard of the author or her blog....but, out of the blue, it is triggering sort of a 

grand little idea for me...

a quick review: Wizenburg writes memories, thoughts in short chapters that end in a recipe...she shares her family and her life in this way. "Food is never just food. It's also a way of getting at something else : who we are, who we have been, and who we want to be."

ohhh...she is talking my language here.......

so here's my grand little idea:

what if i used this method of writing out some pieces of my story...into some sort of book?

i would be using Wizenburg's book as a model/springboard for doing what i've thought about doing for some time : telling this almost unimaginable tale of caregiving....of how it's shaped and changed who i am...of how i became (instead of all the things i vaguely thought i might be & the things i prepared myself for) an accidental caregiver, cook, and homemaker......and how i've found peace in this place.

"Why is this on your mind at this moment?"(you might ask):

well, you may or may not know it; but this year appears to be the year that my Dad will enter "retirement"....there have been lots of steps (mostly unsavory) leading up to this point....and it's been so very, very stressful....and we have no idea at all how this is going to look for us...and so far, it's feeling pretty unsettling....

~i'm working hard internally to give us all time to adjust....

~i'm objectively reminding myself of the hugeness of this sort of transition at even the best of times; let alone for a family that's been so very affected by illness and weariness and long term stress....

~i'm giving myself permission to feel the emotions of it all....good and bad....

back to the writing part:

#1 - i really don't consider myself much of a writer....

but i think i do have something to say, and a unique perspective to share...the problem is, i honestly am not sure anybody wants to hear it! i wonder if it's even understandable...unless you've been through it yourself...

when i say "unique" i think i mean unusual. The vast majority of folks will never experience the longtermness of this sort of journey. Sure, we all encounter illness and trouble. There's plenty of books and blogs written of terrible sufferings and loss...and there should be!! Who we've loved and watched struggle or die has to be one of the most defining aspects of our lives. But even the most terrible and tragic stories are usually pretty short-lived... sometimes they happen in an awful second of time that changes us forever!...and at the worst, they're usually over in a few years. (that is not to say that our particular story is more sad or whatever than any other story!! not at all....i fully realize how our financial blessings and spiritual foundations have helped us have a better experience in so many ways than many others living a similar set of circumstances. But this experience has been LONG (for want of a better descriptor!) and HARD...and it's the particular "tragic story" that i know best........)

It is almost unbelievable to even me that this journey of ours has gone on and on for almost 12 years now...i could never have imagined such a thing...there would have been no pattern for me to even try to imagine it! i think most people in my life (including me) have just kinda gotten used to this new reality, if they ever think of it at all, anymore.......but the "abnormalness" of it all startles me now and then when i allow myself to consider it.....

but back to the writing (again!!) 

my other major drawback to ever writing anything at all is my overly strong ethic of complete honesty. i don't think i could or should be completely honest in a traditional memoir sort of book. it's too much. i think i'm too emotionally fragile to paint the whole picture and tell the whole story. and i think i would offend too many people (who i care about) if i really told the truth about how all of this has played out....

that's one reason this new idea is appealing to me...it's more contained...

so my little book would look something like this:

it would be 10 or so longish chapters, each grounded in a recipe that would help me tell the story of my family and myself...and of how we have survived and coped in our situation....

it would incorporate glimpses of grace (how could it not!!).....and it would certainly carry a message of faith and hope....but, as i see it, there are probably enough spiritual books floating around these days...and frankly, i don't feel spiritual enough to add much to that genre!:)

why food?

because food played such a central role in my Mom's identity....and has grown to do the same in mine...

it's also been such a huge part of my daily life with her....

the love of experiencing life....of giving....of sharing...has more often than not had a lot to do with food in my family....

could my grand little idea happen?:

probably not.

i've noticed that to successfully write & publish a book you either 1) have to actually be a really fabulous writer and somehow get luckily discovered (and likely it's really not luck but a lot of hard work and energy dispensed by the said fabulous writer in an effort to get "discovered") or 2) have an established audience, through some other aspect of life......(for some people, like Wizenburg, that audience was through her blog, but it could be other life roles as well)

barriers for me: 1) i'm not a fabulous writer 2) i have no extra energy whatsoever (sometimes i'm so very tired that i can hardly complete the smallest of tasks) and especially not the sort needed to peddle a book idea to various agent-type people 3) i don't have an audience! i live a very small life...and this blog has a pretty low readership!:)

BUT:

i still think it's a good idea.....

i think it's an idea that holds promise.....

i don't know what this year let alone my future holds....

but i do know that in this one post alone i have met my previously established goal of being more open, taking more risks with what i share here...and in a big way!!

(i wrote this several days ago now...but have hesitated to hit "publish". It's been a tiring week. And maybe my high spirits have decreased a bit. And the whole idea seems a little bit silly and a lot impossible...But i guess i'll post it anyway, in the interest of "honesty" & all...)

*Hello Again*

i'm not sure if it's the new year, or a little extra time on my hands, or the reading of some new blogs, or just too much going on in my thoughts....but i'm in a blogging frame of mind!

i looked over some past postings and realized that it's ALMOST BEEN 5 YEARS since i started blogging...that almost seems impossible!! this "personal weblog" has been an outlet for me in some ways...i've grown and changed as i've recorded thoughts and happenings on it...mostly for the better, i hope! but my recording has become so infrequent that it's become a bit lopsided, i worry. Because i worry, and because i'm  afraid i've become over-cautious in general....
i feel like i've been a bit dishonest in my infrequent blogging. i haven't meant to be...it's just happened!

if you only knew me through this blog, you might think i was the most spiritual, high-minded, earnest person you'd ever come across! You might be right with the earnest:) but probably not with the  high-mindedness or spirituality! it's just that with the lessening of writing, the more mundane, every day sort of stuff doesn't get reported much. Thus, what winds up here seems to be the "deeper" "bigger" thoughts i'm thinking. Those are part of the picture, for sure! but not the whole picture....And (whether i like it or not) the devil really is in the details...who i am (the best and the worst parts of me) really is in the everyday grittiness that hardly anybody gets to see...

it's an insidious temptation, i think...to perform, to show oneself only in the best of lights, to not be offensive. it's tempting enough face to face...but this new, virtual world has amplified it a bit.
but honesty is usually worth the effort...
and i've found it's a lot more peaceful to live in the freedom of "floppiness" (as Anne Lamott calls it) than in the constraints of buttoned-up timidity....

all that to say...i want this place to be a fuller reflection of my life. i'm not exactly sure how it will look, but i want more authenticity this year. i won't start oversharing the "ugly stuff", i promise....but i want to be more open (if i dare to be) about the tough stuff. we all have it. our stories are different, but our emotions are so very similar....

So, Hello Again....this is me : tired, weak, wondering, failing, wishing, thinking, giving, gaining, becoming....
*Breathing in the gifts of grace more deeply....
*Knowing that the journey is not so much about fulfilling my "potential" as it is about becoming a truly fulfilled person...
*Convinced that it is only through God's everlasting love and goodness that any of us even have eyes to see the reality of the sorts of people we are called to be in this present age...
*Wanting to be more kind with myself (& others!).....
but more tough, at the same time!

"Tough Love means going down deep, to battle my own selfishness, my own anger, my own frustrations, my temptations to choose between being right over being gracious, to be the last word, to convince by arguing and harsh invectives, pinches and pricks, to Win. When the going gets tough, the tough chooses love. 
Tough love means Christ will win In Me at all costs." 
(Sarah Styles Bessey, Emerging Mummy)

~i'm not exactly sure how "Both Sides Now" fits in this post...and i don't think it would be wise for me to write more & more paragraphs explaining how it fits:) i just know i love its honesty...and i "get" the stages of awareness she's talking about. i can't say that i'll ever be much of a Joni Mitchell fan:)...but these lyrics are just brilliant, in my opinion!~