"Without Love"

You can rise in the halls of power
You can speak to the masses
You can heal their disease
You can stand as the man of the hour
You can bring them to their feet
You can bring them to their knees

Without love I have not
Without love, without love
Without love I have not
Without love

You can fall on the blade of the martyr
You can give all your possessions to the poor
You can tell all you've seen of the future
Predicting every famine every war

Without love I have not
Without love, without love
Without love I have not
Without love

Love always protects, love always trusts,
Love always hopes the best for us
Love is slow to anger, love isn't proud
Love never fails, love will never fails us


Without love I am nothing
Without love I am nothing
Without love I am nothing at all

tone-deaf...

this evening i was thinking (dangerous? yes!!) of how very lucky i feel to be able to play (the piano and the violin) "by ear"....it's that strange skill that makes one very valuable as a church musician and not valuable as much else! *wink* i do not say this in any sort of bragging way (believe me, i know my limitations!) but because (hopefully) it fits my larger point...

doing music "by ear" has less to do with training and skill than innate abilities, i think...and it has a lot to do with tones...with understanding the complexities of musical structures and how they fit together by heart more than by theory...how nuances complement or create discord....how tiny differences in inflections when singing or playing make large differences in what is perceived by the person hearing the music you're producing. Strangely, so much of this process comes so naturally for some....and not so much for others. When a person is tone-deaf it means (per the dictionary) that they are unable to distinguish differences in pitch in musical sounds when producing or hearing them. We can all think of examples of some dear person who so diligently sings with no real concept of the quality of sound they are producing! Science shows us that differences in musical ability have much to do with brain composition, including issues of density and lobe connectivity. While i know very little about these complex issues! i have been exposed to information and learned much because of observing my Mother suffer musical losses from the brain damage her stroke caused. Putting aside her grief and my own about these losses, i've found learning about these brain functions so very interesting and fascinating! we truly are fearfully and wonderfully made....

i say all of that because i think tone-deafness relates to many life issues....
(i am probably not able to fully explain what i'm feeling and thinking but i'm going to plunge in anyway!:)
the ability to distinguish the tones of what we're saying!! how we're living!! is incredibly more important than whether or not we possess musical skill...
understanding how our words and choices are perceived by others is often something we're not thinking about...
sometimes, we're spending a lot of time on self-evaluation, analyzing our motives (important, for sure!) when what we more need to know is how both the content and character of those words and choices are playing out to all who are watching...

i'm convinced that most of the "conflict" that seems to beset us is less about truly big differences!! and more about miscommunicating subtle differences!! the tone of our communication is off-pitch, surely, with the Holy Spirit's leading....and so (unsurprisingly) creates discord. the "tone" of how we speak to and about each other can be shocking...and must distress the heart of God....
instead of extending kindness and going the extra mile to include, we assume the worst about others; we get easily caught up in the content of the matter vs. caring about the continuity of community. and (perhaps the core of the matter!) we forget the importance of cultivating a Christlike spirit that always hopes, always forgives, always redeems relationships rather than focuses on having our own say!

i've used the pronoun we purposely!! because this is no exercise in pointing out weaknesses of others....it's my fight and my battle as well. at times i've been fabulously wrong in the tone i've taken with others (sometimes completely thoughtlessly!)...and i hope i've learned something from these errors...because repairing broken ties is difficult....and sometimes the damage cannot be undone.

i'm sure there are lots of Scriptures that would apply well here....honestly, none are coming to mind...what is coming to mind are these lyrics by Rich Mullins. They're not a prescription or a panacea for how to have the "perfect" tone always....but if the tone of our interactions (of my interactions!!) can measure up in any small way to these words, i do believe we'd all be the better for it.

Let mercy lead 
Let love be the strength in your legs 
And in every footprint that you leave 
There'll be a drop of grace 
If we can reach 
Beyond the wisdom of this age 
Into the foolishness of God 
That foolishness will save 
Those who believe 
Although their foolish hearts may break 
They will find peace 
And I'll meet you in that place 
Where mercy leads

Waiting....

i've been waiting and waiting to try and make my blog look better. mostly, i've been "patiently" ignoring how bad it's been looking.....and how frustrated it was making me feel that with the new blogger changes, my old tried and true roses-template would no longer work! but this past Sunday afternoon i (and my Dad) tried and tried to fix it...to no avail....and i about lost my mind in the process!! (foolish, i know!!) but thanks to a nice person named Michelle at Shabby Creations, (and the mere $10 i paid her) it's looking better tonight! and i'm sooooooooo pleased with the new look...


there's lots of changes in my little world.....lots of water flowing under lots of bridges....but tonight i'm happy to be listening to my new Stan Whitmire cd (of the Carpenter's music:)....and despite a whole lot of "stuff", i have an unexplainable peace in my heart...
and i just have to celebrate the improved look with a few little words...


it occurs to me that i've done a lot of waiting in my life....and just when i think i've gotten good at it, i realize i have more to learn....
and God is teaching me things; patiently, faithfully, and with so much mercy....


i'm reading a wonderful new book, Still (notes on a mid-faith crisis) by Lauren Winner. It was a gift from a friend and her timing (and God's) was impeccable. Winner writes: "The middle of the spiritual life may have many windows, and lots and lots of light, but it will also be a season of winnowing." and "Sometimes the reshaping is not big, not audible; not a move, a marriage, a child, a heroic change of course. Sometimes it is only inside, how you make sense of things. Sometimes it is only about who you know yourself to be." Yes....


This life of faith can never be stagnant...i believe we must continue to be open to His changing grace ~ open to letting go of what needs to go....holding onto Him and His abiding love. He is continuing to work on me....as i learn more & more how to wait...and rest...in Him.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him."
(Psalm 62:5)

i realize that my blog looks strange....i hope to get it looking right soon:) and i hope to be able to get my roses back:) ahhh....change....it is everywhere i look!!

Are You Able?

"Are ye able, said the Master,
To be crucified with Me?
Yea, the sturdy dreamers answered,
To the death we follow Thee.


(Refrain)
Lord, we are able. Our spirits are Thine.
Remold them, make us, like Thee, divine.
Thy guiding radiance above us shall be
A beacon to God, to love and loyalty.

Are you able to relinquish
Purple dreams of power and fame,
To go down into the Garden,
Or to die a death of shame?

Are ye able, when the anguish
Racks your mind and heart with pain,
To forgive the souls who wrong you,
Who would make your striving vain?

Are ye able to remember,
When a thief lifts up his eyes,
That his pardoned soul is worthy
Of a place in paradise?

Are ye able when the shadows
Close around you with the sod,
To believe that spirit triumphs,
To commend your soul to God?

Are ye able? Still the Master
Whispers down eternity,
And heroic spirits answer,
Now as then in Galilee."
(Marlatt/Mason)

this song has been on my mind in these days
leading up to Easter....
it was in our "old" hymnal...and i got it out and have been reading through the lyrics...
i hadn't thought about these words in a long time, but i remember thinking on them and playing the music a lot when i was quite young. i do not remember singing this as a congregation, but (for whatever reason) i was attracted to it. That probably says something about who i was then (and who i am now)...and mostly, it speaks to the powerful potential of music to impact the heart.

all these years later (and with a bit more realization of the cost) i know i'm Not Able....
not able to be content or courageous...not able to be Christlike...not able to live a life that bears the mark of the cross....Unless!! His Spirit remakes My spirit!!
Then (and only then) can the seed planted long ago of wanting to please Him bear fruit. None of my personal efforts or tangible trappings serve as a substitute for His Transforming Presence.

Thinking about His sacrifice...and His great love makes me Want to be willing to walk the way of the Cross. His daily grace makes it actually possible for me to Follow Him.
What Amazing Grace!

11 questions :)

i read recently that if one wants to keep up one's blog, then one should actually post regularly....and maybe even now and then have give-aways and other such things to gin up interest. i'd say that i'm following that prescription very badly! it's not that i don't have things on my mind to write about....(still thinking hard on mercy & forgiveness vs. resentment....still listening and being changed by Dr. Ury's series on these topics....recently feeling interested in how important it is to consider nuances in personalities and in situations....) But these subjects seem awfully big!...and just too much for me to tackle at the moment! So i saw the question-tagging thing happening again in blog world (very easily changed up to be whatever you want it to be!) and this seemed like a fun and doable way to post again. Maybe you should resurrect your blog, too!!

1) What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? 

chocolate... chocolate...anything chocolate!!

2) Do you watch reality tv? well, if you call "House Hunters-International" and "Chopped" reality tv. i'm a little obsessed with those! addicting! (i could use this moment to rail against seedy shows like "The Bachelor" and the like...how they demean women and corrupt the nation...how even decent people somehow find them entertaining!!....but i'll just refrain, i guess!!)

3) Who or what inspired you to start blogging? long story short : the 1st blog i ever read belonged to Keith....i was looking up info. about a youth camp, and it popped up. His blog was insightful and well-written. Then, an individual a lot of us knew in a Christian college died tragically....in seeking info. about that situation, my old friend Becca pointed me to several blogs....and then she started one herself! (it's still going and is a lovely place!) i thought the idea of connecting in this way and of being able to write a little was worth trying. and so i tried it. and liked it. many of my best friends started blogs, too...and our friendships were enhanced. i still like blogging. (even if fb has replaced the community feel of it.)

4) What recently read book has impacted you the most? i am currently reading As For Me and My House (Walter Wangerin, Jr.) Dr. Ury mentioned it on his show as the best book he ever read on marriage/family (specifically as it relates to forgiveness). I would certainly agree that it's the best of that genre that i've ever read! (why one such as i is reading such things is a fair question!) i am having to read it slowly...it is powerful...
stripped clean of facades and stereotypes. It is helping me go deep into my heart and be more honest about myself before God.
~ I just started reading The Memory Palace (Mira Bartok)....i've been wanting to read it and snapped it up when i saw it at the library. It's fascinating...and sad.

5) What is your reoccurring dream? i sometimes dream that i am doing something like driving without having my contacts on. In the dream, i'm seeing the world with my bad vision! it's always disorienting and a little scary to dream like that! the older i get, the more i believe in and the more i am thankful for good sleep!

6) What have you said to get out of a speeding ticket? Oh, i can do pitiful pretty well!:) i've managed to get out of 2 tickets by pleading! In the awful wreak i recently had,  i wasn't even trying to get out of a ticket!! but they didn't give me one even though i clearly deserved it. Thankful for mercy!!
7) What song could you listen to over and over?
Secret Garden (Springsteen).....it's mesmerizing.

8) Calories don't count, what are you going to devour? this can certainly vary with mood.....currently, i could go for a steak, baked potato, and salad...and a BIG piece of chocolate cheesecake for dessert (with good coffee, of course:)

9) If you could do one thing without any repercussions, what would it be? go for a loooooong trip to Europe; some of the time alone, some of the time with friends. (i guess that actually has less to do with repercussions and more to do with responsibilities, $$, and courage.) i think there would be too many repercussions in my world & in my heart for being totally away from everything here for the longest time : but being anonymous in a place for  awhile sure has appeal for me....

10) When was the last time you cried? And why? i cried at church this past Sunday, at the wonder of His sacrifice when we were so unworthy. some of the sweet comments on fb in the last couple days have brought tears...

11) If there is one thing you regret and would change if you could, what would it be? i wish that my parents were grandparents. i am sad that they're not.

"So speak and so do as those who will be judged 

by the law of liberty. For judgement is without mercy 

to the one who has shown no mercy. 

Mercy triumphs over judgement." 

(James 2:12-13)

When i read these words in James a few nights ago they startled me...in a good way! I think i barely understand the depths of God's mercy. How and to whom it reaches...in ways that do not fit into neat little theological boxes. And i barely understand how He desires that mercy to be alive in me, His child. He wants me/you to live with mercy...to extend mercy to others...to all others, not just the ones who agree with us, who are like us. In even the toughest situations, to even the ones who annoy and offend us the most : Mercy should and must triumph over judgement!!!

I'm not pretending i've got this figured out!! it's just what's on my mind.....and i think it's probably on my mind for a reason. I honestly don't have much trouble being merciful in a whole lot of cases....it's easy for me to take into account all shades of a situation....to see all sides of a person. it's not necessarily a virtue on my part, it's just how i think...

BUT, i'm awfully judgmental in other settings. i hold a pretty unreasonable standard for other Christians, especially...it's difficult for me to understand how some incredibly good people can be so very wrong (ie think differently than i :) on issues that i find easy to see clearly in the light of Christlikeness. Ummmm...yeah...i'm probably not the person they're responsible to....and it's probably not my job to judge even them!!

I recently read these words from Rachel Held Evans and they resonated with me : "we all carry around false fundamentals. We all have unexamined assumptions and lists of rules, both spoken and unspoken, that weigh down our faith. We've all got little measuring sticks that help us determine who's "in" and who's "out", and we've all got truths we don't want to face because we're afraid that our faith can't withstand any change. .....In a way, we're all fundamentalists. We all have pet theological systems, political positions, and standards of morality that are not essential to the gospel but that we cling to so tightly that we leave fingernail marks on the palms of our hands." Yes!! Yes!! i so very much need to remember this....to let go of my judgmentalism...to allow Mercy to triumph over my own sense of justice and rightness.....

And then there's self-judgement...the merciless treatment i can heap onto myself. I think i know how some of that developed...indeed, the high prevalence of certain structures to even encourage such poor self-treatment. Even as i look back over this season of caregiving, i can think of all the things i could've & should've done better. For the most part, i did the best i could have for my Mom's needs....but, surely, i could have kept a more organized house...should have practiced my violin in all my "free time" (man, i would have been awesome!!)...could have read more deeply, maybe even gotten another degree under my belt or something! Silly, isn't it???!!!!! i know it, but yet i think these things ... (and about a million other such thoughts.) And, of course, i have regrets for attitudes that could have been more consistently kind and supportive; not frustrated and self-centered. Certainly, there is a place for constructive reflection and change; but i think there's also a place for Mercy....even with myself. 

i've been listening to Dr. Ury's series on forgiveness. It's prompted some of these thoughts, i'm sure. In This sermon, he so masterfully points out the misguidedness of thinking we can "forgive ourselves" (kind of a popular school of thought in the culture.) And i think that probably applies to our inability to be merciful with others ~ or with ourselves ~ apart from Jesus. Yes, Jesus calls us to mercy and forgiveness....but it's impossible to pull off that kind of living (the kind of living that costs us everything!) without His help!! 

How absolutely humbling to begin to grasp the promise of His empowerment...

~only His presence can make me 

the merciful person i want to be ~

"There comes a time when our eyes are opened 

and we come to realize that mercy is infinite. 

We need only await it with confidence 

and receive it with gratitude." 

("Babette's Feast")