An Open Heart....

At this unreasonably late~early hour i feel the urge to blog...so i'm gonna....
maybe it's needing to process the end of the year....before Christmas week hits full force.... 
It's been a series of sentimental days....i could analyze why and come up with some pretty good reasons...but i'm learning to listen to the emotions and not try to explain them away....
Some thoughtfulness comes from looking back over this year...the ups and downs of a rather weighty time...
It's good (but not necessarily fun!) to be living fully aware...living in the truth....knowing that hope and honesty and faith really do enable us to be secure....even when life is insecure...
I think my eyes are a little more open, my vision a bit more unclouded.....
I see a lot of things more clearly.
oh...and my heart.....maybe it's a little more open, too....

early in this year, i strongly felt that God was leading me to pray and endeavor "for an open heart". Goodness gracious, that was mighty providential planning on His part (kind of tricky, actually!!)
How absolutely gracious and good He was to prepare me to be guarding myself against the very thing that in my own strength is a most impossible task : not letting life and disappointing relationships and situations convince me to harden my heart....
This year, it's taken courage and grace and plain ole grit to not completely give in to blame and fear and anxiety...
It's taken looking to friends and relationships that have not disappointed, but have, in fact, risen to the occasion with support and care and love...
But mostly it's taken the gentle and patient and faithful presence of the Father....keeping my heart and my head steady in ways that i can not even begin to understand...

So i finish up this year  hoping and praying and believing that living with an open heart is still the best option....still better than guardedness, still better than cynicism, still better than duplicity....
I want a heart open to the beautiful path of mercy...
Open to being defined and guided by God, not man....
Truthfully open to both the goodness and the awfulness of humanity; in other words, the complexity that exists in all of us!
Open to new possibilities...to allowing God to work in ways that i may not understand; allowing for endings and beginnings that are difficult and messy...but maybe necessary...
I'm hoping for positive places someday out of all of this openness, but i'm aware that it may continue to involve pain...most things worth understanding are that way, i think...

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision....I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back." (Maya Angelou) (March 2nd on fb)

i know that all of this rambling is more than a little cryptic, but i bet that even if you don't get the details you get the emotions of this heart journey that we all take at some point or another, i guess...
A writer i read some after, Sarah Bessey, recently used the phrase "true enough" : in this crazy world of social media, it's easy to overshare....to risk too much...or, to guard too much. it's clear that we're probably never sharing everything ..and we shouldn't be. We only share glimpses of all that we are.....but i began this year hoping to be a little more authentic on this blog...and i hope that i have been. Not because it matters what this blog is like!! but it does matter what my heart is like...
The struggles and "successes" that i share here are muddier than i might express them on fb...or even face-to-face...
Being vulnerable is a choice that always hold lots of positives but plenty of negatives, too...(and i don't always choose it!)
I often am ashamed of how imperfect and far from my ideals some moments of my life are...and i am so aware of how much i need a Wonderful Counselor who meets me in these areas of neediness...
But i do want to be "true enough"...so that i can celebrate the ways God is helping me even in my weakest times and so that i can change and grow more like Jesus...
i pray that this Christmas and New Year we will be brave enough to rely more on this Christ who came to give us Himself....to fully open our hearts to Him and to each other, allowing Him to create beauty in the stories of our lives...

"So let's all gather at the manger

And bring all our hopes and hurts and fears
All of our unworthiness and shame
Knowing every one of us is the reason that He came

God is with us
God is for us
This is my story and this is my song
And God is with us
And God is for us all"
(Steven Curtis Chapman)

*i wrote this a couple of night ago and cleaned it up a little before hitting that publish button*

"Merry Christmas Cookies"

at the start of this year, i had a lofty/small plan of how i might try to write out some of these past years of caregiving by telling stories about how cooking ~ making my Mom's recipes and establishing my own ~ have helped see us through these days.... (see here :)

um, yeah. that hasn't happened!!
like many sorta good plans of mine, this one has fallen by the wayside...
a wayside littered with too many anxieties too count....too much uncertainties for even my very over-multitasking mind to manage well!!

so...it's almost the end of 2012...and come what may has come and gone...and we have MADE it through this year...still in one piece, still holding our heads high (ok, they're a little more bent!), still hanging on to our faith...and tonight i made one of those recipes that would have gone in that little book if i had ever gotten it started:)

Merry Christmas Cookies are pretty much little, perfectly balanced bites of fruit cake!
and while fruitcake itself seems to often be maligned, i've never heard anyone who tried these cookies do any maligning:)

i can't remember a Christmas that we didn't have these...and i really do not know how old this recipe is...
but it's pretty old...
in our recipe books, it's always sourced as coming from Aunt Bernice.... Grandpa's sister in Florida.
my memories of her are of a big open heart....giving, responsible, God-loving...
she gave the recipe to my Grandma Anderson...she of the aprons and sloppy kisses and prayers and a gentle heart weakened through sorrow....

but i mostly remember my Mom making these...along with the 1,000's of other varieties she lined the tables with, loaded up in the trunk of the car to give away...sent in boxes to places like NYC...
How very much love she invested in all those cookies...when she didn't quite have the words or the magic to fix the troubles of life, she gave away herself when she gave away all those cookies. i didn't quite see it then, but i do now.

There's still no magic fixing for life....but there's cookies and love and together they make it better...
So Mom has walked me through this recipe....the weird almost can't mix it thickness of the pecans and fruitcake mix...how you can't get the oven too high and how you have to be patient and let them cook a little longer...and i've learned to love making these cookies...they're one of my very favorites!

our family ties are thick like that....through the rural roots of Florida and Louisiana...to the openness of our little family living in the Midwest....and the unpredictable happenings that led us back down to Louisiana....
they're so thick that they've survived what has at times seemed like unbearable disappointment and fear...
our life together is tightly wound up in these stories...these traditions....this love that grows and grows more strong...

"Merry Christmas Cookies"

Cream:

·         1 cup brown sugar

·         1 cup white sugar

·         1 cup butter

·         3 eggs

Beat In:

·         3 cups flour

·         1 t. cinnamon

·         1 t. baking soda

Add:

·         2  16oz. fruit and nut peel containers  (fruit cake mix)

·         1 16oz. box dates

·         1 cup white raisons

·         7 cups chopped pecans or walnuts

Cookie mixture will be thick. Drop a large Tablespoon on cookie sheet. (cookie will spread just a little) Bake at 325 degrees for Approximately 15 minutes on greased cookie sheets.

~ Daybook : November 13 ~

Outside my window...it is sunny and finally feeling a little chilly....we actually turned on the fireplace for a little while this morning:)

I am thankful... for humor, for balanced thinking, for the freedom and security of knowing i don't have to be "good enough" in order for God to care....

In the kitchen...i just put a big pan of sweet potatoes, turnips, and beets into the oven to roast. 

i love how simple and good this meal is (with a rotisserie chicken). (i started this early enough this time to give the vegetables time to cool off.....last time i about killed myself trying to unwrap and prepare them while they were scalding hot! "live and learn":)

I am wearing...my warm, white robe....

I am thinking... incessantly.....there is so much on my mind....

I am trying to ... be kinder to myself....and kinder with others. to stop talking and listen more. 
to practice the principles of grace that bring calm to my heart...

I am listening... to Chris Botti's December. i could listen to him play "Ave Marie" over & over again (and sometimes i do!)

I am wondering... about why i keep on blogging....

I am reading : A Year of Biblical Womanhood (how a liberated woman found herself sitting on her roof, covering her head, and calling her husband "Master") 
(Rachel Held Evans) good stuff...you should read it!

I am hoping...  2013 is better than 2012. i'm not an overdramatic girl (i don't think!) and would never begin to go into all the struggles of this year publicly ...but i am very weary of increased difficulties....and hoping God will help me and my parents experience brighter days soon....

I am looking forward to... going away for Thanksgiving next week....we are so looking forward to being with family (so thankful for their welcoming spirits) and to the "fun" of being in a couple of new places....

I am pondering... "movement" vs. "inertia"...

I am learning... new lessons in "aloneness". (the strengths and the weariness of that)

Around the house... there are NO Christmas decorations up yet!! after Thanksgiving is soon enough....(for us:)

A favorite quote for today : i am almost finished reading Rilla of Ingleside (L.M. Montgomery). 
i wish i could magically make it longer, i've enjoyed it so very much; i've cried a little over it (yes, i'm pathetic!) and been sooo very amused by Susan's words of wisdom! this is one of my favorites from her: "I am not....going to lament or whine or question the wisdom of Almighty any more as i have been doing lately. Whining and shirking and blaming providence do not get us anywhere. We have just got to grapple with whatever we have to do whether it is weeding the onion patch, or running for Government. I shall grapple!" 
well-said, well-said, Susan!!!!

One of my favorite things... is quiet....

A few plans for the rest of the week... keep my head above water without losing my mind or my heart!!!!!!!

A peek into my day...i just joined Pinterest: not so very moved by it yet! but right away i gravitated to the "quotes" sections. every now and then i read a little poetry by Mary Oliver and i always like the way she captures the complexities of life so beautifully....

Source: listentothebeatofmysoul.tumblr.com via Kimberly on Pinterest

"For This Day"

for morning light, sunrise hues
for earth and sky, the greens and blues
for every mercy made brand new
we thank you for this day

for sights and sounds, and warming fires
for keeping us from wrong desires
for giving all that years require
Lord, we thank you for this day

for Bread
for Blood to wash our sins
for all that we hold dear
for all Your Holy disciplines
for Love that drives out fear

for joys and trials, work and rest
for calling us to be our best
for graces when we fail the test
we thank you for this day

for Bread
for Blood to wash our sins
for all that we hold dear
for all Your Holy disciplines
for Love that drives out fear

for Thine the Kingdom, Thine the fame
Thine the glory and the aim
for these we ask, Lord, in your name
we thank you for this day  

(Suzanne Gaither Jennings/Michael Sykes)
                                                                                                                    

                                                  
(i didn't take this pic, but i like it...)
(this song has been a blessing to me today)                                            

~ Daybook : October 15 ~

I am thankful...for a safe and good trip to Washington DC last week....so glad things went so smoothly in so many ways. Also thankful for God's protection over my parents in some moments of crisis while i was away...

Outside my window...it is so very hot and sunny...after enjoying cool temps. last week in DC, i am very anxious for things to stay cooler around here...

In the kitchen...it's quiche and salad tonight....always so glad i have planned ahead and had things ready for putting together meals once i'm back from a trip...the extra thinking works!

I am wearing...still in my glasses & pj's! i slept in a little and have been putting away, picking up, getting laundry gathered, and generally getting things back in order:)

I am thinking...about how immature and short-sighted we humans can be if we do not walk in the Spirit. i want to have open eyes to see the Kingdom....to spend my energy on the things that matter (heard a great sermon on this yesterday that corresponded with some issues that had already been on my mind)

I am creating... more order....in several places (or trying to, anyways!!)

I am listening... to Michael Kelly Blanchard these days....an old tape A View Out the Window. his writing is so masterful and some of his lyrics can still completely undo me...

I am wondering... if i would really enjoy living in a city such as DC for a few years....if i could indulge my political/activist leanings in some sort of productive way....if the romance of such a lifestyle would be as expected or would quickly wane (this possibility is not even on the agenda...just in my little head:)

I am reading : i took along Love Does (Bob Goff) on my trip....loving his perspective! and last night (at bedtime), i started reading Rilla of Ingleside (L.M. Montgomery)...this is the last of the Anne series...and i will be sad for this rereading cycle to end...it has been a sweet gift to my heart this year....and i've drawn it out as long as i could...

I am hoping...  for some big things...that are beyond my own abilities....truthfully, it's beyond me to remain even hopeful in my own strength! and i am so very aware of my dependence on the Lord.                           

I am looking forward to... some things hopefully working out for my Dad's job needs soon....so that i can have more clarity when starting to search for a job myself....

I am pondering... setting clear, ethical guidelines....and sticking to them....no matter the fallout.

I am learning... how to answer and respond carefully (didn't i say something like this last time?!....yep, i'm still learning!....actually, kinda thankful for how God is helping me in this area...)

Around the house... i am grateful for the blessings i have in this simple home : not fancy, not new, but so wealthy to live in a comfortable, peaceful place that ( i hope) reflects values that are pleasing to God...

A favorite quote for today : "When Jesus speaks about the world, He is very realistic. He speaks about wars and revolutions, earthquakes, plagues and famines, persecution and imprisonment, betrayal, hatred and assassinations. There is no suggestion at all that these signs of the world's darkness will ever be absent. But still, God's joy can be ours in the midst of it all. It is the joy of belonging to the household of God whose love is stronger than death and who empowers us to be in the world while already belonging to the kingdom of joy." (Henri J. M. Nouwen)

~ this was in my email inbox today....so, so good...and goes so beautifully with yesterday's sermon from our visiting speaker....thankful for these nuggets of truth that shape how we see the world and how we live in it ~

One of my favorite things... is a clear conscience.

A few plans for the rest of the week... appointments to keep, meetings to go to, company to get prepared for, calls to make, agendas to coordinate....*sigh*...i guess i will maaaaaaake it!

A peek into my day...one of my fav pictures of my time in DC : the Capitol at night...after we'd attended a concert at the Library of Congress....magical! i realize how privileged i am...

~ Daybook : October 1st ~

i am kind of liking this Daybook idea...i'm sure i will not manage to do this every single Monday!....but this structure and way of thinking is helpful to me. it rescues me from my tendency of writing with too many details and explanations! Here is the site where this idea originated, with links to other "daybookers"...

Outside my window...it is dark...and we have had a taste of Fall today...loving it!

I am thinking...about healthcare and about that foolish 47 % comment...how it is unrepresentative of the complexity of real life situations and social dynamics. (real light thoughts, huh ;) took my cousin to an appointment at one of the LSU system clinics...got me to thinkin all kinds of thoughts (positive and negative ) (i'll stop now!:)

I am thankful...for comfortable, trustworthy friends.

In the kitchen...we had pizza tonight! (busy day) yesterday we had Indian Curry Chicken w/jasmine rice, broccoli w/dill, and a fabulous dessert of pumpkin custard & gingersnaps (picture at the end:) it was so good, if i do say so myself!

I am wearing...pj's!

I am creating...a higher standard of what living in kindness means for me...
(i need to do this...*sigh*)

I am going...to watch "Call the Midwife" in a little while...i dvr'd it last night... 
excited and hope i like it!   

I am wondering...if i can get everything done that needs to get done so that i can be away for a few days next week...

I am reading...still, Leaving Church (Barbara Brown Taylor). and tonight i found her most recent book, An Altar in the World, for $5...on a roll here:) i'm pretty sure i would likely wind up in some different places on this Christianity spectrum than Ms. Taylor, but i am truly appreciating her honest look at life and faith...helpful to me. i finished Rainbow Valley last night...i cried when Rev. Meredith and Rosemary reconciled...so, so, so sweet....

I am hoping...that the holidays go well (always anxiety-producing for me)  
(i'm already thinking ahead and stressing a bit...)
                                   
I am looking forward to...more grace for every day...

I am pondering...the perils of defensiveness!! 

I am learning...to not speak too quickly out of defensiveness...

Around the house...i have been sorting through my closets and getting rid of clothes! finally letting go of some things that are (at least) 10 yrs. old!! scary! and convicting as it relates to the needs of the world and my spending habits...(or maybe it's just my "can't get rid of" habits!)

A favorite quote for today..."I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection." (Leonardo da Vinci) (i saw this on fb last week & have remembered it...)

One of my favorite things...is pumpkin coffee! really, it's the only flavored kind that i like...
so perfect for this time of year...

A few plans for the rest of the week...finish my lists from last week ;)....maintain a calm heart in an uncalm world (without distracting myself with periphery things in order to achieve desired "calmness")...continue doing sit-ups and exercising on my home elliptical machine since that whole gym thing didn't work out so well :( i've been pretty consistent so far...

A peek into my day...

...the promised pic of the pumpkin custard and gingersnaps...it was as yummy as it looks...we finished up the custards tonight...

~ Daybook : September 24 ~

~ i've been seeing this daybook format floating around and thought i'd give it a try myself...

i've kinda fallen off the wagon of faithful blogging...there's much happening in my heart & in my little world...but most of it is unshareable, so that makes me retreat to quietness 
(that's both good and bad). 

I thought using this daybook idea might help me find my voice a little ~

Outside my window...it is sunny, and way too hot for September! but there are little purple and orange wild flowers in the bushes by the patio...so pretty...

I am thinking...waaaaaay too much! my poor brain is overloaded with life; it's tough for me to slow it down...

I am thankful...for God's gracious patience with me...for His clear guidance and messages of mercy to my heart...for friends & family who love and encourage me...

In the kitchen...there's not much happenin today! Mom & i had lunch with friends at a very cool tea-room...and we're full! so i think supper tonight might very well be cereal (plus the yummy cupcakes we bought ;)

I am wearing...a short-sleeved sweater! even though it's hot here, i am determined to start wearing fallish clothes:)

I am creating...larger spaces of acceptance & determination...

I am going...to join a gym this week!!! i am resolutely promising this to myself and by recording here, perhaps it really will happen! i've been price checking for the cheapest, closest one that also offers yoga. i think this is what i need to improve my flexibility and manage stress better...and heaven knows, i need to lose a few lbs.!!

I am wondering...if life will ever feel calm and love-filled.

I am hoping...that it will someday....

I am reading...Leaving Church : A Memoir of Faith by Barbara Brown Taylor (so good, perfect timing for me (just to be clear: i'm not leaving church!!:) but her perspective is truly providential timing in my life!), Rainbow Valley by L.M. Montgomery (i am loving reading through this series again for the 1st time in years & years...so peaceful, so happy, so calming!
(i recently finished reading Holy Ghost Girl by Donna Johnson (very interesting) and i've bought and plan to get reading Love Does by Bob Goff (so impressed by him!)

A favorite quote for today..."I spent a great deal of time trying to be good, but was good the same as whole?" (Barbara Brown Taylor) (the context of this helps, of course...it has me thinking...)

I am looking forward to...going to Washington DC again in 2 weeks!! this is the long discussed but  "not-Europe" trip for my friend Andrea and myself (i sadly had to back out of Europe for several reasons)...i am really excited to be visiting DC 2 times in one year...and this time, i will get to enjoy a bit of Autumn...

I am learning...to be clear about what i am willing to do...
and to focus on doing the things i am called to do...

Around the house...there are SOO many projects that need doing. i am sorting though things...throwing away and getting rid of stuff. it's overwhelming! but it also feels good!

I am pondering...imperfections... and brokenness...how to see clearly yet respond kindly....how to carry the weight of my own and my friends' troubles without becoming undone...how to "take my burdens to the Lord and leave them there"

One of my favorite things...is **sleeping** very aware of how healing good sleep is (if you've been friends with me for awhile you've probably heard me pontificate on this issue!!) and of how much i need it.

A few plans for the rest of the week: continue working through my very long to-do list! / deal with some insurance/medical issues:( / plan out Sunday's worship structure & coordinate with the young seminarian who's filling in at our church / make some long-planned needed phone calls to some folks i care about....
(oh, and the tea-room with friends today :) and Panera with friends tomorrow :)

A peek into my day...

(saw this at the tea-room today, and it just made me smile :)