some things i know....

a few days ago, i turned 40! it's been a bit surreal....and, all things considered, quite a good thing!
As the "big milestone" approached, i had lots of things on my mind....really important things that i thought should be said on this blog....i tell you, one or two of the topics would warrant a book all on their own:)
but here i am....a week past the actual date...and i feel less of a need to say a lot....but maybe still a need to reflect a little on some of what's true about me at this point in my life...

* i'm so lucky/blessed to have very good parents. i believe pretty strongly in innate personality traits and talents...but i believe just as strongly in the power of good parenting. I'm thankful for parents who showed me so much love....who taught me how to live in a disciplined, ordered way (sometimes that habit is the only thing that keeps us together in chaotic times!), who valued intelligence and skill more than they valued fluff, who in simple ways helped me know that loving and serving Jesus is the only thing that really will matter and last in the end.

* i will never have really good hair nor be very skinny....and i'm too modest and practical to ever truly be "fashionable" ..i have reconciled myself to these facts:)

* i don't do overdone: overdone drama, overdone self-importance, overdone music, overdone allegiance to man-made organizations...and don't get me started on overdone eyelashes!!

* i'm happy to have already lived a pretty interesting life....full of troubles, for sure! but filled with Good things, too....seen lots of places, met lots of people, experienced so much....i love learning things....there's so much i don't know...so many takes on the world....so much i still want to see and do...

*i'm a mixed bag....an NPR listener, a Dennis Kinlaw reader. i don't like being boxed-in to labels....although sometimes i'm just as guilty as the next person of boxing others in!! i think people and world issues are complicated...and usually cannot be encapsulated in catchy sayings...i feel lucky for the few people i'm honest enough with to truly share opinions....i wish for a larger community of likeminded thinkers....i just hope i'm minded enough like Jesus to make it to Heaven!

* i've learned that i don't have to answer questions i don't want to...that i don't have to say all i know! it's taken awhile for my conscientious spirit to get this, but i'm getting there...

* i'm amazed at the lack of sensitivity & caring people can show....but i'm also amazed at the undeserved grace & kindness that common people can give....how we mere humans can rise to the occasion now and then....sharing a touch of God in small ways...

* at this point, i've given up on being "good enough"....i'm aware of my flaws and also aware of how much Redemption is worth....i have little tolerance for anything that smacks of performance....
i see my own need for honesty and know the trap of fakeness! "Being Authentic" might be a buzzword but it is for a reason.....the whole culture seems weary of the falseness and smallness often paraded as Christianity...."Lord help me to be Real in a world that so badly needs genuine love and respect."

* i know that not every situation has a happy ending. Hurts are hard ~ they change us. Our emotions don't always magically rise above our situations  no matter how "spiritual" we are...it's dishonest to pretend they do! i know how fragility feels....
i'm not much for motivational sayings...but i'm very big on honestly & totally relying on faith even when we're broken. i want to be tender...i want to be open....even when life feels tough & even when it's an effort.
i want to use my own times of struggle to have open eyes for others who are struggling....to not demand so much...there's always more to the story than what's on the surface...

*i acknowledge that life has not turned out exactly how i thought it might....(although i never spent all that much time thinking ahead; just thought & worked hard and assumed...perhaps that was my fatal flaw!) despite some true losses....i'm thankful for the abundance of love and riches that are mine. i appreciate the friends who have helped me see these realities more clearly....i know with all my heart that we are all so valuable to God....and that when we care for and love each other well we please Him. and we find peace.
this is not some deep truth....but it is revolutionary. It helps me keep growing, keep giving, keep believing  that this all has meaning....that Life is Good (even (especially)....at 40!

Holy Week...

"Even though He was full of divine power, Jesus believed that changing stones into bread, seeking popularity, and being counted among the great ones of the earth were temptations. Again and again Jesus opts for what is small and hidden and poor, and accordingly declines to wield influence.

His miracles always serve to express His profound compassion with suffering humanity. Never are they attempts to call attention to Himself.... It becomes plain to us that God has willed to show love for the world by descending more and more deeply into human frailty.

The more conscious Jesus becomes of the mission entrusted to Him, the more He realizes that that mission will make Him poorer and poorer. And finally He hangs on a cross, crying out with a loud voice, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Only then do we know how far God has gone to show us His love.

For it is then that Jesus not only reached His utmost poverty,
but also showed us God's utmost love." (Henri J. M. Nouwen)

it's Holy Week....but i'm not feeling very holy...
i've (for the most part) kept up with my Lenten reading and other observances....and that's all been good. And i've listened to (and thought on) words very fitting for the season...that has challenged me. But (honestly) i'm feeling soul weary. i see lots in me that seems so "below" the sacrifice that was made. whatever my reasons, i acknowledge that a lot of the time....i'm not living as much like Christ as i want to be. 

and then i look around me....it seems like there are so many people (that i personally know, even) who have heard the Gospel...but are living like they've never seen Jesus. it seems there is vast confusion on basic and not so basic values of what it means to follow Him...
My heart is so sad.

Maybe this place is one where understanding can happen. Understanding that my dependence is totally on Him. Understanding (again) that, on my own...i'm bound to get it all wrong. I need His Holiness...

Jesus understands my frailty...and He gives me the strength to believe again in Hope, Renewal, Change, New Creations...all the reasons our hearts turn to the Resurrection. this year, i need those reasons more than ever...and i understand in a new way how Easter is centered in our Lord's poverty.

"Jesus, this Easter, please Make Yourself Real to me and to those i love 

who so desperately need You. Help us know You...

and may our changed lives please and glorify You."

~ Daybook : February 19~

i haven't blogged in awhile...and i haven't daybooked in a longer while....so thought i'd do that again. only i'm going to leave out some of the categories...(because i want to!)

Outside my window...it's a sunny, windy day! but it was so stormy & scary last night...unusually for me, i actually heard the bad weather...and it rattled me a bit...

I am thinking...about the many, many very serious needs i know about that need prayer. Sometimes it seems like too many needs to even remember them all!! I am committed in a new way to bring these areas of such brokenness to the Father....

In the kitchen...i am baking sweet potatoes (wasn't i doing that the last time i answered this question?!!) and making something called "Glorious Chicken" (with only 4 ingrediants) that i saw on another blog for supper....it's SOOO good. (if i could get interested in Pinterest i'd probably find lots of ideas for such recipes...but, alas, i just cannot seem to find Pinterest interesting!!) 
Re: food ~ i am dieting. It's going pretty well but It Is So Hard. I think about food way more than i should. 

I am wondering... if anything will come of the job application i sent in yesterday...whatever the case, it was a good exercise in getting stuff together (ie resume, references, weird self-bragging practices!:)

I am thankful... for my Dad who helped me so much in getting my job applying act together. He's had plenty of practice lately in this area. *sigh*

I am reading...a lot! or trying to, anyways...one way i am trying to observe the discipline of Lent this year is by actually finishing up some of the books i have started. One book that i'm appreciating so much is Home By Another Way by Barbara Brown Taylor. It's a collection of her sermons (so well crafted!) that is organized around the church year. So rich with good things! I'm fascinated by the book The Bookseller of Kabul (by Asne Seierstad)...it's making me more aware of how very little we (or at least i) understand the complicated lives in other parts of our world. I want to be more aware...and to care more. 
I'm also being really blessed by Anne Lamott's new book : i'm a marker up of whatever i'm reading...this one pretty much needs 100% highlighted!

"Revelation is not for the faint of heart. ...... We are too often distracted by the need to burnish our surfaces, to look good so that other people won't know what screwed-up messes we are.... But if you gently help yourself back to the present moment, you see how life keeps stumbling along and how you may actually find your way through another ordinary or impossible day. Details are being revealed, and they will take you out of yourself, which is heaven... So I say "Thanks" because revelation has shown me things that are miserable that somehow i may get to sidestep; or that are miserable but that prayer and friends help me find a way through; or that are painful and beautiful in ways that make your heart ache, that draw you close forever to the comrades who have walked with you." (Anne Lamott, in Help Thanks Wow)

(there are more books on my list! but i've already overwritten this section!)

I am pondering...how i often spend a lot of my time worrying and trying to "fix" things that i actually can do nothing about!! this wasting of energy keeps me from the concentrated praying and giving that i need to be doing. I want to focus on the important things better....ignoring the distractions that need ignoring and loving the people who need loving...

I am learning... (actually i'm observing) how difficult it is to deal with lifelong patterns of bad thinking and behaving. Of course, i've known this for a long time! but i'm learning in new ways how destructive these things can be....
("help me, Lord, to think and live consistently in Your way!")

A favorite picture...

earlier this month, i was able to spend the weekend with some of my family in AL...we were able to participate in a "Walk for Life"...and to spend such a fun and sweet time "fellowshipping" (in the truest sense of that word!) together. The little trip was a refreshing time for me....

2013.

"You are my hiding place

you will protect me from trouble

and surround me with songs of deliverance"

(Psalm 32:7)

i've been thinking that "deliverance" should be my Word of the year for 2013...

at first, my weary but still overactive (and often self-focused?) brain starting listing all of the situations from which i need deliverance...

Ohhhhh, it was a long list! (full of troubles!)

and then i thought how that was never going to happen...

(so, yes, i immediately sabotaged my own faith!)

but in the last couple of days, it's occurred to me that this deliverance i've been impressed to seek probably has very little to do with escaping actual problematic or troubling times...

it probably has a lot more to do with the state of my heart...

sadly, that state has not been all it should be....

there's been a great deal more panic than peace...

and a whole lot of coming unglued rather than gracefulness...

sure, there's been a little peace and grace...but the balance's been unbalanced....that's just the truth of it.

so i'm focusing on deliverance that's from the inside out...

and that's definitely outside of me and my own efforts...

deliverance that's grounded deep in trusting and fueled fully by the hope and joy and daily sustenance of the Lifegiving Lord....

i can't explain it very well, but i think it's already beginning...

i don't have superspiritual words to frame it, but my faith just might be growing a little stronger...

my 2nd blog post of 2012 included this quote:
"Tough Love means going down deep, to battle my own selfishness, my own anger, my own frustrations, my temptations to choose between being right over being gracious, to be the last word, to convince by arguing and harsh invectives, pinches and pricks, to Win. 
When the going gets tough, the tough chooses love. 
Tough love means Christ will win In Me at all costs." (Sarah Bessey)


i very much still need these words in 2013....and i still mean them....
i will allow Love to change me....remake me, remold me.....delivering me into a person who is more Christlike, more honest, more aware and more usable in the Kingdom.

An Open Heart....

At this unreasonably late~early hour i feel the urge to blog...so i'm gonna....
maybe it's needing to process the end of the year....before Christmas week hits full force.... 
It's been a series of sentimental days....i could analyze why and come up with some pretty good reasons...but i'm learning to listen to the emotions and not try to explain them away....
Some thoughtfulness comes from looking back over this year...the ups and downs of a rather weighty time...
It's good (but not necessarily fun!) to be living fully aware...living in the truth....knowing that hope and honesty and faith really do enable us to be secure....even when life is insecure...
I think my eyes are a little more open, my vision a bit more unclouded.....
I see a lot of things more clearly.
oh...and my heart.....maybe it's a little more open, too....

early in this year, i strongly felt that God was leading me to pray and endeavor "for an open heart". Goodness gracious, that was mighty providential planning on His part (kind of tricky, actually!!)
How absolutely gracious and good He was to prepare me to be guarding myself against the very thing that in my own strength is a most impossible task : not letting life and disappointing relationships and situations convince me to harden my heart....
This year, it's taken courage and grace and plain ole grit to not completely give in to blame and fear and anxiety...
It's taken looking to friends and relationships that have not disappointed, but have, in fact, risen to the occasion with support and care and love...
But mostly it's taken the gentle and patient and faithful presence of the Father....keeping my heart and my head steady in ways that i can not even begin to understand...

So i finish up this year  hoping and praying and believing that living with an open heart is still the best option....still better than guardedness, still better than cynicism, still better than duplicity....
I want a heart open to the beautiful path of mercy...
Open to being defined and guided by God, not man....
Truthfully open to both the goodness and the awfulness of humanity; in other words, the complexity that exists in all of us!
Open to new possibilities...to allowing God to work in ways that i may not understand; allowing for endings and beginnings that are difficult and messy...but maybe necessary...
I'm hoping for positive places someday out of all of this openness, but i'm aware that it may continue to involve pain...most things worth understanding are that way, i think...

"I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision....I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back." (Maya Angelou) (March 2nd on fb)

i know that all of this rambling is more than a little cryptic, but i bet that even if you don't get the details you get the emotions of this heart journey that we all take at some point or another, i guess...
A writer i read some after, Sarah Bessey, recently used the phrase "true enough" : in this crazy world of social media, it's easy to overshare....to risk too much...or, to guard too much. it's clear that we're probably never sharing everything ..and we shouldn't be. We only share glimpses of all that we are.....but i began this year hoping to be a little more authentic on this blog...and i hope that i have been. Not because it matters what this blog is like!! but it does matter what my heart is like...
The struggles and "successes" that i share here are muddier than i might express them on fb...or even face-to-face...
Being vulnerable is a choice that always hold lots of positives but plenty of negatives, too...(and i don't always choose it!)
I often am ashamed of how imperfect and far from my ideals some moments of my life are...and i am so aware of how much i need a Wonderful Counselor who meets me in these areas of neediness...
But i do want to be "true enough"...so that i can celebrate the ways God is helping me even in my weakest times and so that i can change and grow more like Jesus...
i pray that this Christmas and New Year we will be brave enough to rely more on this Christ who came to give us Himself....to fully open our hearts to Him and to each other, allowing Him to create beauty in the stories of our lives...

"So let's all gather at the manger

And bring all our hopes and hurts and fears
All of our unworthiness and shame
Knowing every one of us is the reason that He came

God is with us
God is for us
This is my story and this is my song
And God is with us
And God is for us all"
(Steven Curtis Chapman)

*i wrote this a couple of night ago and cleaned it up a little before hitting that publish button*

"Merry Christmas Cookies"

at the start of this year, i had a lofty/small plan of how i might try to write out some of these past years of caregiving by telling stories about how cooking ~ making my Mom's recipes and establishing my own ~ have helped see us through these days.... (see here :)

um, yeah. that hasn't happened!!
like many sorta good plans of mine, this one has fallen by the wayside...
a wayside littered with too many anxieties too count....too much uncertainties for even my very over-multitasking mind to manage well!!

so...it's almost the end of 2012...and come what may has come and gone...and we have MADE it through this year...still in one piece, still holding our heads high (ok, they're a little more bent!), still hanging on to our faith...and tonight i made one of those recipes that would have gone in that little book if i had ever gotten it started:)

Merry Christmas Cookies are pretty much little, perfectly balanced bites of fruit cake!
and while fruitcake itself seems to often be maligned, i've never heard anyone who tried these cookies do any maligning:)

i can't remember a Christmas that we didn't have these...and i really do not know how old this recipe is...
but it's pretty old...
in our recipe books, it's always sourced as coming from Aunt Bernice.... Grandpa's sister in Florida.
my memories of her are of a big open heart....giving, responsible, God-loving...
she gave the recipe to my Grandma Anderson...she of the aprons and sloppy kisses and prayers and a gentle heart weakened through sorrow....

but i mostly remember my Mom making these...along with the 1,000's of other varieties she lined the tables with, loaded up in the trunk of the car to give away...sent in boxes to places like NYC...
How very much love she invested in all those cookies...when she didn't quite have the words or the magic to fix the troubles of life, she gave away herself when she gave away all those cookies. i didn't quite see it then, but i do now.

There's still no magic fixing for life....but there's cookies and love and together they make it better...
So Mom has walked me through this recipe....the weird almost can't mix it thickness of the pecans and fruitcake mix...how you can't get the oven too high and how you have to be patient and let them cook a little longer...and i've learned to love making these cookies...they're one of my very favorites!

our family ties are thick like that....through the rural roots of Florida and Louisiana...to the openness of our little family living in the Midwest....and the unpredictable happenings that led us back down to Louisiana....
they're so thick that they've survived what has at times seemed like unbearable disappointment and fear...
our life together is tightly wound up in these stories...these traditions....this love that grows and grows more strong...

"Merry Christmas Cookies"

Cream:

·         1 cup brown sugar

·         1 cup white sugar

·         1 cup butter

·         3 eggs

Beat In:

·         3 cups flour

·         1 t. cinnamon

·         1 t. baking soda

Add:

·         2  16oz. fruit and nut peel containers  (fruit cake mix)

·         1 16oz. box dates

·         1 cup white raisons

·         7 cups chopped pecans or walnuts

Cookie mixture will be thick. Drop a large Tablespoon on cookie sheet. (cookie will spread just a little) Bake at 325 degrees for Approximately 15 minutes on greased cookie sheets.

~ Daybook : November 13 ~

Outside my window...it is sunny and finally feeling a little chilly....we actually turned on the fireplace for a little while this morning:)

I am thankful... for humor, for balanced thinking, for the freedom and security of knowing i don't have to be "good enough" in order for God to care....

In the kitchen...i just put a big pan of sweet potatoes, turnips, and beets into the oven to roast. 

i love how simple and good this meal is (with a rotisserie chicken). (i started this early enough this time to give the vegetables time to cool off.....last time i about killed myself trying to unwrap and prepare them while they were scalding hot! "live and learn":)

I am wearing...my warm, white robe....

I am thinking... incessantly.....there is so much on my mind....

I am trying to ... be kinder to myself....and kinder with others. to stop talking and listen more. 
to practice the principles of grace that bring calm to my heart...

I am listening... to Chris Botti's December. i could listen to him play "Ave Marie" over & over again (and sometimes i do!)

I am wondering... about why i keep on blogging....

I am reading : A Year of Biblical Womanhood (how a liberated woman found herself sitting on her roof, covering her head, and calling her husband "Master") 
(Rachel Held Evans) good stuff...you should read it!

I am hoping...  2013 is better than 2012. i'm not an overdramatic girl (i don't think!) and would never begin to go into all the struggles of this year publicly ...but i am very weary of increased difficulties....and hoping God will help me and my parents experience brighter days soon....

I am looking forward to... going away for Thanksgiving next week....we are so looking forward to being with family (so thankful for their welcoming spirits) and to the "fun" of being in a couple of new places....

I am pondering... "movement" vs. "inertia"...

I am learning... new lessons in "aloneness". (the strengths and the weariness of that)

Around the house... there are NO Christmas decorations up yet!! after Thanksgiving is soon enough....(for us:)

A favorite quote for today : i am almost finished reading Rilla of Ingleside (L.M. Montgomery). 
i wish i could magically make it longer, i've enjoyed it so very much; i've cried a little over it (yes, i'm pathetic!) and been sooo very amused by Susan's words of wisdom! this is one of my favorites from her: "I am not....going to lament or whine or question the wisdom of Almighty any more as i have been doing lately. Whining and shirking and blaming providence do not get us anywhere. We have just got to grapple with whatever we have to do whether it is weeding the onion patch, or running for Government. I shall grapple!" 
well-said, well-said, Susan!!!!

One of my favorite things... is quiet....

A few plans for the rest of the week... keep my head above water without losing my mind or my heart!!!!!!!

A peek into my day...i just joined Pinterest: not so very moved by it yet! but right away i gravitated to the "quotes" sections. every now and then i read a little poetry by Mary Oliver and i always like the way she captures the complexities of life so beautifully....

Source: listentothebeatofmysoul.tumblr.com via Kimberly on Pinterest