Uncluttering Christmas...

is difficult!! but it's something i've managed to have a little success with this year.....
i knew i was just not able to pull out all the Christmas paraphernalia that i sometimes do (not that i'm ever the world's top decorator or anything!) I usually organize in the guest bedroom (now my Dad's "office")...so my organizing was hampered a bit. But mostly i was just too tired to do it...tired in a how much longer can things go on like this sort of way....
And i just needed this Christmas to be less about producing and more about being....

so: i gathered the mega-clearance items i found last year, found a box of red wooden musical ornaments that my Mom had used looong ago, bought a few new things (i was VERY determined NOT to spend a lot of $$ in this pursuit of "more simple"), and went with a whole new color scheme....i. didn't. even. have. to. unpack. the. Christmas decoration. boxes. Glory be!!
i saw places where i could have thrown some greenery or berries or tinsel or something...but i remembered
i would have to take that all back down and just said no!
and the truth is: this year's decorations may very well reflect my taste better than some other years have......
we have enjoyed our tree and our mantle so very much!....it's been very peaceful and cozy...

i also said "no" to the tons of cookies and too many presents...of course, i'm still doing some of both and loving it!! but i've learned that i don't need to overdo it in a need to perform sort of way....
o...and no to Christmas cards!!.....and to adding more activities to the already too long list of things i'm involved in....some of those activities could have and should have been coordinated (so that "no" made me kinda sad).....
but not if i had to do it....

that was the "easy" uncluttering: the uncluttering of my heart is the harder part....
and is still a work in progress...
i (amazingly) have made a few wise choices here, too: haven't expected more of myself than i should...have refused to give in to perfectionism....have stayed away from fb and internet things that if invested in might be just too much for my fragile heart to handle...have taken time to sit and be still with my Mom (a banged up ankle helped me achieve this pretty well:):)
i've focused on music and readings that grow me and help me....that calm me and focus me on the joy and hope of the Lord....
and i'm still working on giving up some cluttering things:
control....disappointments....resentments....unreasonable (or in any case unrealistic) expectations of others...judgmentalism (of myself and others)....pride.....anxiousness over things i cannot change....
like i said, a lot of work left to do...

i want an uncluttered heart...so that the needy places of my life and heart can be filled with the presence of the Christ-child....so that His Joy can truly "be my strength" in these weary days....so that i can clearly see myself and my world through His vision....
we went to a Christmas concert at a country church recently...and one of the singers told the story of his pastor who often turned the phrase "Jesus loves me this i know" around into "Jesus knows me this i love". That spoke to me. He came, He knows me better than any human person ever can or will...and He loves me anyway...Christ wants an altar in my heart (in all of our hearts) and i'm pretty sure that place needs to be uncluttered....

to anyone still reading my blog: "Merry Christmas" to you and those you care about....i know of so many people carrying heavy burdens this season....i pray that the presence of Jesus will be near to each of us in a new way these next few days...and this new year....

"Commit Yourself to Joy"

for my Advent readings this year, i am using two books : In the Manger (Max Lucado) and Daily Meditations readings from Richard Rohr (which moves through the church calendar)....these balance each other well! and i'm liking it! Last night's reading from Rohr hit me right where i needed it...
so i'm just going to share the whole thing:

"Commit Yourself to Joy"
"Zephaniah, addressing a slum of Northern Kingdom refugees in Jerusalem (Zeph. 3), and Paul, writing to the Philippians from his chains (Philippians 4), counsel an unprecedented joy to their listeners. They are calling us to wholeness and holiness.They have gone far beyond our existential states and happy feelings to an objective source, a bottomless well where joy is drawn and received in obedience. They know that joy is finally a decision. They are no longer preoccupied with creating a fault-free environment that will ensure their own happiness, but they know that joy is finally in entering into another, the Other, an objective Presence, love itself, the Lord. Joy is the Lord.

What freedom when we no longer have to wait upon ourselves to be in love! We are led beyond loving just ourselves, our own adequacy and our own personal responses. We are, instead, commanded to recognize joy ~ to trust it and believe it. We are daringly commanded to love God and thereby assured of an unfailing reservoir of true and profound joy in the Other.

Undoubtedly this is the "baptism of the Holy Spirit and fire" that John the Baptizer announces in the gospel. It is a baptism not created, like mere water baptism, but a baptism that can only be be waited for, longed for, believed in and therefore received. We see that the people listening to John "were filled with expectation" (Luke 3:15). They were predisposed and ready for joy to reveal itself. The seers and listeners, the contemplatives of every age, will be prepared to recognize joy and to recognize it's possibilities everywhere.

I have committed myself to joy. I have come to realize that those who make space for joy, those who prefer nothing to joy, those who desire the utter reality, will most assuredly have it.
We must not be afraid to announce it to refugees, slum dwellers, saddened prisoners, angry prophets. Now and then we must even announce it to ourselves. In this prison of now, in this cynical and sophisticated age, Christians must believe in joy."

there's a full moon rising.....

Some Days it’s all too much for me…

Days when I really seem to see the sadness and suffering that’s all around me….

Today I saw it 1^st in the grocery store….the young woman with her hired helper checking out (the groceries and the worker!)….then wheeling herself out of the store, the worker gone far ahead of her…struggling along in her very badly fitted wheelchair, feet swollen, “you’re going too fast”…..

Then we took Mom to her quarterly neurologist appointment…..and another young woman with her hired worker (this time very tuned in, kind, and professional) in her extremely state of the art wheelchair that had gotten itself stuck in the elevator!…..my sweet Dad and another lady worked to help them, and eventually  they were on their way….so unsettling….

And hot tears threatened to fall and and I realized again how very much my feelings are on the surface when I see these difficult life struggles, the personal toll that longterm illness has taken on my own “toughness”….how my understanding of how fragile we all are doesn’t necessarily have me seeing life in the most “balanced” way at all times…

I think of the thousands and thousands of people who battle physical disabilities and deformities and pain their entire lives….

We WANT to see the stories where health is restored, where the end of the chapter ends well, where the recovery is fantastic….but more times than not these individuals are not healed, their journeys are long and trying…..

I want to remember them all…. 

I know all of the right answers (and i reject all of the cliched ones!!) about a fallen world, the presence of evil and choice and all of that…..but sometimes I just WANT it all to be different now….

“The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you. There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.”
(Frederick Buechner)

My Mom’s appointment went well….but it never gets easier to watch her get shots in her arm…..to know that they won’t really make her all better, just some better. And, yet, I know how very lucky we are to be able to provide her with quality care…..with a loving and calm (as possible) way of life…We're blessed that she's doing as well as she is after all of this time....i know these things are grace; and I also know the emotional cost, the discouragement and weariness faced….i see it all…..all of the terrible….

But Seeing the beautiful matters, too...

*the meal we were able to share where Mom picked the place!

*how Mom leaned over and gave Dad a kiss as we got back to the table...

*the new Starbucks at the mall…..because we really needed coffee at this point!

*not getting caught in the Baton Rouge traffic….

*getting home in time to exercise in the dusk….

*feeling and loving the cooler evening and even a bit of a breeze….

*amazed at the amount of energy I have at the end of this long day (maybe that was the coffee!)

*feeling so strong as I run, taking long breaths…..not taking for granted that I am healthy and full of living….

*the neighbor’s yard has just been mowed…..the smells of fresh grass and sweet olive bushes are strong in the air….

*the full moon is rising…..and it’s beautiful….so, of course,  I think it’s necessary to listen to “Harvest Moon” for the cool down song…

*my parents are watching “Andy Griffith"  and laughing when I come inside…..and later we’ll have fresh pineapple for a snack….

I’m remembering to reach out and take these gifts of grace……

"All Shall Be Restored" (by Kay Ryan)

The grains shall be collected
from the thousand shores
to which they found their way,
and the boulder restored,
and the boulder itself replaced
in the cliff, and likewise
the cliff shall rise
or subside until the plate of earth
is without fissure. Restoration
knows no half measure. It will
not stop when the treasured and lost
bronze horse remounts the steps.
Even this horse will founder backward
to coin, cannon, and domestic pots,
which themselves shall bubble and
drain back to green veins in stone.
And every word written shall lift off
letter by letter, the backward text
read ever briefer, ever more antic
in its effort to insist that nothing
shall be lost.

~ Daybook : September 1st ~

Outside my Window: it is hot, sunny, and rainy....all at the same time! i've been enjoying walking in the evenings....when it actually is feeling a little bit cooler...

In the Kitchen: all is quiet....
we were invited over for Sunday lunch today...such a blessing. lovely....

Around the House: we are in the process of changing our floors....due to the unexpected problem/blessing of under the slab pipes leaking...i am overwhelmed by all the options and all that's going to have to be done!! excited for the floors to look better & work better, though....(they have been a thorn in my flesh ever since we built this house...don't ever ask me about it unless you want to see me get all wild-eyed and start talking way too loudly!!:) i already knew it about myself but have confirmed it again that i do not have much of the renovating spirit in me!!

I am thankful: that i am sleeping a little better these days....

I am reading: i go through stages where i feel like i'm reading a lot of everything and finishing not much of anything....sorta feeling that way these days. for friends who  also read all the Thoene books, i recently found The Swiss Courier (Goyer/Yorkey) (1st Christian fiction i've finished in awhile!)....reminded me a lot of why i loved those Thoene books. 
I just started Two Kisses for Maddy (a memoir of Loss & Love) (Matthew Logelin).
Memoirs matter to me...reading others' stories is enriching (even if i can't seem to get the book of our story off the ground *sigh*). 
I've also started reading Lincoln at Gettysburg: the Words that Remade America (Garry Wills)....
good....lots to take in.

I am watching: "Broadchurch" (BBC America)....so intense!! and "Ballykissangel" (old BBC, from my local library:)...non-intense, sweet, and just the right episode length needed to unwind....

I am listening to: lots of Sara Groves these days....good for my heart music...
and really enjoying my $3 Tony Bennett "Duets" (o how i love thee, 2nd and Charles!)

I am thinking (part a): about Giving: there have been a couple of instances lately where my Mom has taught me lessons in giving. (well, she always has really!) She decided to give away a whole set of dishes to someone who needed them more than us (totally her idea!)....and she recently had us turn the car around to go give $$ to a young woman holding a "help needed" sign.....and she promised the sad young woman her prayers (and Mom keeps those promises!!)
I don't have Giving all figured out but i know my ideas about it have evolved....i know giving is what we're called to be, not just something we're called to do...
i know it has to be done with open hands....without conditions....not part of game-playing or fairness-judging....and with the clear understanding that we might never see results for our "efforts". I am challenged to be more giving in the ways the Spirit leads....

I am pondering: restoration....praying and hoping so hard for some healing that needs to happen!
Grateful for every drop of grace movement that my tired eyes see....

I am remembering: the 8th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina (a few days ago)...like most other passages of time, this one seems unbelievable ...so many changes in me and my surroundings and our little world in these 8 years...and lots of monotony, too...

I am thinking (part b): about the situation in Syria....so complicated, horrible, and heartbreaking. 
(as are so many other terrible things in the world!) So we watch, helpless....and pray....

I am confessing: that i kinda have a crush on the Chopped judges (the male ones, that is:) .....they are all so cute! and they cook! perfect combination! we so like this show! (funny how even the totally grey-haired one seems like a cutie to me:)

I am looking forward to: Fall....wearing sweaters and jackets and fallish colors....burning candles....

I am hoping: to get a job at some point in the not too distant future. to go on a couple of little trips to visit friends. to get a job to make some $$ to pay for those trips!:)

A current favorite quote: 

"The longer I love and know our Jesus, the less I want to write or pontificate about Being a Good Christian." (Sarah Bessey)

Undone....

lately i've been thinking of things that cannot be undone....
even if i wish they could be, even if i think they should be, even if i think they never should have happened, even if i had no real control in the happenings....
(ahh, control...it always pops up as an issue, doesn't it?!)

it's not a great feeling to feel for an extended period of time...

acknowledging how life events have powerfully shifted the course of the journey is important, i think...
the tricky part is not getting bogged down in the analyzing process....figuring out how to take lessons learned and move forward...(honestly, i'm still wondering if that's entirely possible in all cases....and , if it is, just how to move forward...)

it takes deciding every single day, with every single prayerful choice (when i remember to pray!!) if i will behave well or not so well in the middle of muddiness...

and i'm very, very aware that any "good" behavior (or any good at all, for that matter) is not possible in my own strength....only In the Strength of the Lord. i'm thankful that He is with me, that He is beside me, that He is for me! (you, too!!)

a very umimportant aside : i should look at pinterest more...i always find some good quote/picture when i do...perhaps i should give up my attitude about it:)

~ Day(months!!)book : July 1st ~

once again/broken record/same old story: i am so behind on this blogging thing....i decided to celebrate the beginning of a new month by getting back in the game (no use to even pretend that i will not fall right back out of it.....)


Outside my Window: it is very bright and sunshiny on this Monday morning....i got to sleep late and talk to a dear friend this morning, which is a good way to start any new week:) This summer has already been almost unbearably hot and humid here....but no hurricanes (yet!).....

I am thinking: that most of the time....when i feel the urge to make a point, especially if that point includes using a Scripture verse or lofty quote...i probably should stop while i'm ahead! it is so, so hard to check motivations....but i am convinced that doing so is the wisest way to live (and hopefully will keep me out of trouble!) *sigh*

In the Kitchen: i've not been doing any "amazing" things lately....except for this: Baked Fudge : truly one of the best, easiest, divinely chocolate, makes your whole life worth living desserts you will ever put in your mouth!! (homemade whipped cream mandatory!!)

I am thankful: for the ability to be honest. for relief after a long space of worry. for both the softening and the strength needed to meet difficult challenges.

I am reading: The Little Way of Ruthie Leming (Rod Dreher)...i'd read about this new book and was so happy to find it at my library. it's a beautiful book and introduced me to Auden's phrase "stagger on rejoicing"...some of the most perfect words ever written, i think. i'm also still loving anything i read by Barbara Brown Taylor....thankful for the gift of her writing at this phase of my life. i recently finished
Darrell Hammond's memoir....i find him fascinating.....so much sadness in his story.
almost finished reading Interrupted (Jen Hatmaker)....so good.

I am watching: i'm planning on a rewatching of the "Cranford" series (yes, such a little detail is crucial for the world to know!:)

I am pondering: what it truly means to be
responsible to and for each other....the joys and the burdens of what living responsibly means....so many thoughts whirling around in my mind on this subject; maybe someday i'll write them all out...

I am remembering: this old post of mine (when i actually blogged) it's one of my favorites....and the issues are still current.....neverendingly current, it seems. the "virtue of patriotism versus the vice of nationalism" seems to be a tricky balance...and there are many things about how that is playing out in our national life and in many religious circles that just (frankly) bother me a whole lot....

I am learning: that the practice of listening with the heart, through the Spirit is even more important than i ever realized....there is always more to the story under the surface story. I am also learning that even mild confrontation is exhausting, but probably more necessary than i ever realized....

I am looking forward to: going to see Prairie Home Companion in October (so, yeah, a bit premature!) it's pretty ridiculous how excited i am about this....and proud that i took the risk, made the call, bought the (fairly reasonably priced) tickets for the 1 and only performance in New Orleans. i've wanted to see a live performance of PHC for a long time.... Wicked and PHC in the same year...i'm feeling lucky!:) there are other things i'm looking forward to, too....more reasonable and normal things:)....but sometime it's nice when frivolous little luxuries work out....

A recent pic:

me on a recent traveling stop at Panera.....not the most flattering picture ever.....but there's a story and a lot of learning (hopefully i'm learning!) represented here....