hopeful...

i've been meaning to write this post for awhile....just have never quite gotten around to it....

i bothered myself in my last post by sounding rather unhopeful in it...

as Easter approached, i felt more bothered by my tone...if i am a true believer in the Resurrection, then my Hope is grounded in that glorious event, in Him....nothing more, nothing less! and truth is: be it genetics, innate personality, choices, prayer, grace, whatever....i am (thankfully) not all that prone to despair, even when looking the facts of life squarely in the face....

and i've been listening (repeatedly) to a Brené Brown interview (on OnBeing)....

(if i were a professional blogger, i'd give you the link to that...alas, i am not a professional!:)

her words have been working on my soul.....working out some places that needed working out....

here's what she has to say about Hope:

"Something the wholehearted share in common is a profound sense of hopefulness." ~ "Hope is a function of struggle. Hope is not an emotion but hope is a cognitive behavioral process that we learn 

when we experience adversity, 

when we have relationships that are trustworthy, 

when people have faith in our ability to get out of a jam." 

check, check, and check!!!

hearing this made me stand a little taller on the inside, pull my heart out of the doldrums, and (whether this is exactly what Brown intended or not, idk) look up to my Father....Who is trustworthy! Who promises to make a way when there seems to be no way....Who is the source of abundant life now and forever!!

He is always working.....always moving for good in our broken lives....so there is always a place for hope!

He's helped me maintain hopefulness in a couple of pretty tough years....by teaching me to open my hands more....letting go even more fully of being bound by expectations and pretentions...
i'm not sure how all i've gained and lost will be used....

but I Believe That True Hope Will Not Disappoint....

and i long to live that out honestly....and not misrepresent myself or my faith in the process:) 

There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! (Romans 5 :3-5, The Message)

still..."YES"!!

honestly, i haven't read her books or even thought of Ann Kiemel Anderson in years...
but this afternoon, when i read a friend's post on fb that she has gone to Heaven...my mind was flooded with memories of her writings and of listening to her on Christian radio in my college days...
Ann's words and her life impacted me a lot when i was so young....when i had no idea of all life would hold for me...truthfully, i was a lot more hopeful then and full of ideas....and her hopefulness rang true for me. It was an authentic hopefulness...based in her understanding of love and loss and grace through it all....
i can see that now, these "many" years later...
i' ve learned that her own story turned out differently then she would have hoped...
Yet her words still ring true to me....and my heart still says "Yes"...

excerpts from "YES", Ann Kiemel  1978:

when things i once thought were gain,
i now count as loss.
i have put aside all else, counting it worth
less than nothing, in order that
i can have Christ. . .
and become one with Him. . .

i don't mean to say i am perfect.  i haven't
learned all i should even yet,
but i keep working toward that day
when i will be all that Christ saved me for
and wants me to be.

no. . . i am still not all i should be
but i am bringing all my energies to bear
on this one thing:
forgetting the past
looking forward to what lies ahead,
i strain to reach the end of the race
and receive the prize. . . philippians 3:7, 12, 13

this is my spiritual autobiography.  i want to allow
myself to be vulnerable.  i want to be brave.  i want
to say to you, in specific, genuine illustrations:
i am human.
i fail.  struggle.  get scared.  have hurts.  am lonely.
but. . .
i am standing with my face to the sunrise.  my back
against the wind.  my head high.  my heart
sturdy and strong.  i am committed.  i am
truly whole.  Jesus Christ is the highest
Fulfillment and Joy in life.

i want this book to be, to the glory of Jesus Christ,
my "will and testament," my statement
of the power of Christ in one, everyday,
ordinary young life

YES
to tomorrow.
fresh dreams.
higher mountains.
greater impossibilities.
wider sunrises.
stouter courage.
braver risks.

YES
i'm human.
i fail. . . feel insecure. . .cry.
i hurt, struggle.
get scared.
know inadequacy.
i'm single.  a woman.
i long for a man.
i am tempted.

YES
sometimes, i forget Who has led me
to where i am.
forget that i am a servant and
not a hero.
forget that "if we lose our life, we will find it."
that those who seek will find.

YES
to the Cross.
to obedience. . .honesty. . .
reality. . .earnest heart.
to joy and sorrow.
ease and difficulty.
success and failure.
to forgiving.
to saying things that edify.

YES
because Jesus is the divine Yes.
because He changes everything.
He is my highest Fulfillment.
He's made me whole. . .
takes the bad and turns it to good.
He is my Song. . .
my Reason to live.

for to me, to live is Christ.

~ Daybook : February 17th ~

Outside my window...it is a sunny, lovely day....thankful for a break in the cold weather (i know ours doesn't compare to what's been happening Up North, but still...it's been cold!)

I am thinking...that this is a slacker sort of excuse for blogging...but while my mind and heart are full, I find myself not quite able to express myself appropriately....or maybe it's not appropriate to express the things on my mind and heart!:) in any case, i find it less necessary than i once did to share every last thought that enters my head...

I am thankful...for my friendships. They are real and sustaining.

In the kitchen...the latest new recipe i've made is the Pioneer Woman's Baked Ziti...so great! i've also been making banana-chocolatechip-ginger muffins lately...those go well with cold weather (or any type of weather, really!:)

I am wearing...sandals!! yay! (see above weather report!:)

I am creating (or trying to anyways)...more spaces of understanding....giving grace a chance to work in ways and places where it's needed. Giving space = trying not to rush the process....

I am going...around in circles. or it least it feels that way a lot of the time.
(the phrase "herding cats" comes to mind...)

I am contemplating...the mysteries of prayer. I feel like i don't understand much about these mysteries...i just know there are so many people and situations and needs and sorrows...the only thing i feel like i can really do about most of these things...is pray.

I am reading...less than i should be!
my reading goals are lofty for this year...but so far i've barely kept up with my Richard Rohr devotional...and instead of weighty books i've been reading LM Montgomery's Against the Odds. but i'm almost thinking that book might have been wisest choice for me for now...funny, sweet, calm.

I am hoping...
i will share a verse here...one of my favorites:
"To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." (Colossians 1:27)

I am enjoying...running. Crazy but true....i will never be a "good" runner, but i feel good doing it again! (and hoping for no injuries this time) (not sure if my exercising is having any results or not due to also very much enjoying eating...

I am learning....to be clear about what i am willing and able to do....
*important*

Around the house...there seems to be lots of clutter. I wish someone would come and clean up this place!

I am pondering..."being prepared for peace" when crisis comes....
our emotional and spiritual cupboards need to be as full as possible in times of ease...when troubles come we will be incapable to rise to the occasion if we are already without resources...
This has been on my mind a lot...

A favorite quote for today..."listen to me with your eyes"...

from this blog that was posted on fb. The post is specific....but the concept and the phrase are widereaching and TRUE, i think!! I have work to do here....(see if i were really blogging i'd do an entire post on this topic:) aren't you dying to hear me go 'on & on' on the value of truly seeing, listening, believing, caring, yada, yada, yada....)

One of my favorite things...drinking hot tea while i watch "Downton Abbey"...
(is that a thing? i don't know...but i sure like doing it!)

A few plans for the rest of the week...organize, phone calls, followups, make appointments, send out resumes...*sigh* (oh, and all the "normal keep life running smoothly" stuff)

A peek into my day...

i recouped this Monday and gathered my thoughts 

and enjoyed some really fine coffee & breakfast at a newish cafe...

starting this new year...

with beautiful words and images....

(from Donna Boucher of Quiet Life)

with lyrics that speak to me....

"When My Mornin' Comes Around" (by Iris Dement)

When my mornin' comes around, no one else will be there
so I won't have to worry about what I'm supposed to say
and I alone will know that I climbed that great big mountain
and that's all that will matter when my mornin' comes around

When my mornin' comes around, I will look back on this valley
at these sidewalks and alleys where I lingered for so long
and this place where I now live will burn to ash and cinder
like some ghost I won't remember
When my mornin' comes around

When my mornin' comes around, from a new cup I'll be drinking
and for once I won't be thinking that there's something wrong with me
and I'll wake up and find that my faults have been forgiven
and that's when I'll start living
When my mornin' comes around"

with good reading intentions...

and, actually, with a great many mixed emotions, jumbled identities, and tired realities....but i guess i will just (try to) focus on better things:)

Uncluttering Christmas...

is difficult!! but it's something i've managed to have a little success with this year.....
i knew i was just not able to pull out all the Christmas paraphernalia that i sometimes do (not that i'm ever the world's top decorator or anything!) I usually organize in the guest bedroom (now my Dad's "office")...so my organizing was hampered a bit. But mostly i was just too tired to do it...tired in a how much longer can things go on like this sort of way....
And i just needed this Christmas to be less about producing and more about being....

so: i gathered the mega-clearance items i found last year, found a box of red wooden musical ornaments that my Mom had used looong ago, bought a few new things (i was VERY determined NOT to spend a lot of $$ in this pursuit of "more simple"), and went with a whole new color scheme....i. didn't. even. have. to. unpack. the. Christmas decoration. boxes. Glory be!!
i saw places where i could have thrown some greenery or berries or tinsel or something...but i remembered
i would have to take that all back down and just said no!
and the truth is: this year's decorations may very well reflect my taste better than some other years have......
we have enjoyed our tree and our mantle so very much!....it's been very peaceful and cozy...

i also said "no" to the tons of cookies and too many presents...of course, i'm still doing some of both and loving it!! but i've learned that i don't need to overdo it in a need to perform sort of way....
o...and no to Christmas cards!!.....and to adding more activities to the already too long list of things i'm involved in....some of those activities could have and should have been coordinated (so that "no" made me kinda sad).....
but not if i had to do it....

that was the "easy" uncluttering: the uncluttering of my heart is the harder part....
and is still a work in progress...
i (amazingly) have made a few wise choices here, too: haven't expected more of myself than i should...have refused to give in to perfectionism....have stayed away from fb and internet things that if invested in might be just too much for my fragile heart to handle...have taken time to sit and be still with my Mom (a banged up ankle helped me achieve this pretty well:):)
i've focused on music and readings that grow me and help me....that calm me and focus me on the joy and hope of the Lord....
and i'm still working on giving up some cluttering things:
control....disappointments....resentments....unreasonable (or in any case unrealistic) expectations of others...judgmentalism (of myself and others)....pride.....anxiousness over things i cannot change....
like i said, a lot of work left to do...

i want an uncluttered heart...so that the needy places of my life and heart can be filled with the presence of the Christ-child....so that His Joy can truly "be my strength" in these weary days....so that i can clearly see myself and my world through His vision....
we went to a Christmas concert at a country church recently...and one of the singers told the story of his pastor who often turned the phrase "Jesus loves me this i know" around into "Jesus knows me this i love". That spoke to me. He came, He knows me better than any human person ever can or will...and He loves me anyway...Christ wants an altar in my heart (in all of our hearts) and i'm pretty sure that place needs to be uncluttered....

to anyone still reading my blog: "Merry Christmas" to you and those you care about....i know of so many people carrying heavy burdens this season....i pray that the presence of Jesus will be near to each of us in a new way these next few days...and this new year....

"Commit Yourself to Joy"

for my Advent readings this year, i am using two books : In the Manger (Max Lucado) and Daily Meditations readings from Richard Rohr (which moves through the church calendar)....these balance each other well! and i'm liking it! Last night's reading from Rohr hit me right where i needed it...
so i'm just going to share the whole thing:

"Commit Yourself to Joy"
"Zephaniah, addressing a slum of Northern Kingdom refugees in Jerusalem (Zeph. 3), and Paul, writing to the Philippians from his chains (Philippians 4), counsel an unprecedented joy to their listeners. They are calling us to wholeness and holiness.They have gone far beyond our existential states and happy feelings to an objective source, a bottomless well where joy is drawn and received in obedience. They know that joy is finally a decision. They are no longer preoccupied with creating a fault-free environment that will ensure their own happiness, but they know that joy is finally in entering into another, the Other, an objective Presence, love itself, the Lord. Joy is the Lord.

What freedom when we no longer have to wait upon ourselves to be in love! We are led beyond loving just ourselves, our own adequacy and our own personal responses. We are, instead, commanded to recognize joy ~ to trust it and believe it. We are daringly commanded to love God and thereby assured of an unfailing reservoir of true and profound joy in the Other.

Undoubtedly this is the "baptism of the Holy Spirit and fire" that John the Baptizer announces in the gospel. It is a baptism not created, like mere water baptism, but a baptism that can only be be waited for, longed for, believed in and therefore received. We see that the people listening to John "were filled with expectation" (Luke 3:15). They were predisposed and ready for joy to reveal itself. The seers and listeners, the contemplatives of every age, will be prepared to recognize joy and to recognize it's possibilities everywhere.

I have committed myself to joy. I have come to realize that those who make space for joy, those who prefer nothing to joy, those who desire the utter reality, will most assuredly have it.
We must not be afraid to announce it to refugees, slum dwellers, saddened prisoners, angry prophets. Now and then we must even announce it to ourselves. In this prison of now, in this cynical and sophisticated age, Christians must believe in joy."

there's a full moon rising.....

Some Days it’s all too much for me…

Days when I really seem to see the sadness and suffering that’s all around me….

Today I saw it 1^st in the grocery store….the young woman with her hired helper checking out (the groceries and the worker!)….then wheeling herself out of the store, the worker gone far ahead of her…struggling along in her very badly fitted wheelchair, feet swollen, “you’re going too fast”…..

Then we took Mom to her quarterly neurologist appointment…..and another young woman with her hired worker (this time very tuned in, kind, and professional) in her extremely state of the art wheelchair that had gotten itself stuck in the elevator!…..my sweet Dad and another lady worked to help them, and eventually  they were on their way….so unsettling….

And hot tears threatened to fall and and I realized again how very much my feelings are on the surface when I see these difficult life struggles, the personal toll that longterm illness has taken on my own “toughness”….how my understanding of how fragile we all are doesn’t necessarily have me seeing life in the most “balanced” way at all times…

I think of the thousands and thousands of people who battle physical disabilities and deformities and pain their entire lives….

We WANT to see the stories where health is restored, where the end of the chapter ends well, where the recovery is fantastic….but more times than not these individuals are not healed, their journeys are long and trying…..

I want to remember them all…. 

I know all of the right answers (and i reject all of the cliched ones!!) about a fallen world, the presence of evil and choice and all of that…..but sometimes I just WANT it all to be different now….

“The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you. There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it. Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.”
(Frederick Buechner)

My Mom’s appointment went well….but it never gets easier to watch her get shots in her arm…..to know that they won’t really make her all better, just some better. And, yet, I know how very lucky we are to be able to provide her with quality care…..with a loving and calm (as possible) way of life…We're blessed that she's doing as well as she is after all of this time....i know these things are grace; and I also know the emotional cost, the discouragement and weariness faced….i see it all…..all of the terrible….

But Seeing the beautiful matters, too...

*the meal we were able to share where Mom picked the place!

*how Mom leaned over and gave Dad a kiss as we got back to the table...

*the new Starbucks at the mall…..because we really needed coffee at this point!

*not getting caught in the Baton Rouge traffic….

*getting home in time to exercise in the dusk….

*feeling and loving the cooler evening and even a bit of a breeze….

*amazed at the amount of energy I have at the end of this long day (maybe that was the coffee!)

*feeling so strong as I run, taking long breaths…..not taking for granted that I am healthy and full of living….

*the neighbor’s yard has just been mowed…..the smells of fresh grass and sweet olive bushes are strong in the air….

*the full moon is rising…..and it’s beautiful….so, of course,  I think it’s necessary to listen to “Harvest Moon” for the cool down song…

*my parents are watching “Andy Griffith"  and laughing when I come inside…..and later we’ll have fresh pineapple for a snack….

I’m remembering to reach out and take these gifts of grace……