~ a quickly done Daybook : May 15th ~

Outside my window...is some of the loveliest La. May weather i can remember...on this evening the windows are open again...i am loving how cool it feels..and the sunshine has been good for my heart in these last days...

I am thinking...i. am. trying. to. stop. overthinking. some. things. (not everything, just some things!:) I realize more and more how so very, very many things are completely out of my hands. It's freeing to live with open hands...knowing outcomes are (most of the time) not much of a reflection of me...(but it's a bit tricky, too!)

I am thankful...for resolution of some uncertainties...*sigh*

and that April was a good month....blessed with friends and needed peaceful moments (despite some significant stress)...

In the kitchen...there were "skillet enchiladas" tonight..one of our favorite meals. I make it more healthy with multigrain tortillas and black beans....

I am wearing...comfy clothes. Have changed multiple times today, unusual for me!

I am listening...to the old Gaither trio "Hymns Classic"...bought it for my ipod since we only had it on a tape. It's so sad to be of the "tape age" :) so many memories associated with this project...wonderful listening!

I am frustrated...about my dismal job search...that it feels like the resumes i do muster up the energy to actually send out seem to not even get looked at...

I am hoping...that with the needed alleviation of some "over-responsibility" tasks, i can now devote more intentional time and skill to the job hunt...not because i need a job to have a complete identity (lots of thoughts on that dynamic!!) but because i do still feel as if i have something to contribute...

(and there's the small issue of actually needing $$ to live!:)

I am reading...Sarah Bessey's Jesus Feminist (dear gentle reader, do not let the title dismay you! it is thoughtful, encouraging, and gracefully written) 

and i'm just starting Brené Brown's I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"...

(what a title!)

I am looking forward to...going to visit a friend i haven't seen in about 13 years...time moves so very quickly...it's crazy! Very excited to spend some time with my college friend Susanna and her family...

I am learning...that we often underestimate the depth of care and loving others offer...and the level of hurt that happens when trust is broken...we may even underestimate these emotions in ourselves...
the potential for beautiful things to happen can be easily squandered...
i am learning (in new ways) that it's so important for our eyes to be open and our defenses laid aside...  

Around the house...there is much to be done....much to be sorted and thrown out/given away. i feel like i may be coming to a point where i'm actually in a space to tackle some things. (may is the operative word here!)

I am pondering..."wholeheartedness"...and also, the risk of an open heart...

(yes, indeedy, i am listening to and reading Brené Brown!)

One of my favorite things...BBC shows....some are worthless, of course...but others: they are so very rich for the soul. ("Call the Midwife" would have to top any list!) 

A few plans for the rest of the week: The week is almost over and it's been survivable...better than survivable, actually...

the weekend will be busy as always with lots of "ministry" stuff....

"O, Lord...with all our frailties and imperfections may we lift You up and glorify You!"

A peek into my day...

this is known as a "Sonja Shake" (spinach, banana, avocado, and almond milk) ...it is yummy and healthy! i've been drinking these after exercising...good times:)

hopeful...

i've been meaning to write this post for awhile....just have never quite gotten around to it....

i bothered myself in my last post by sounding rather unhopeful in it...

as Easter approached, i felt more bothered by my tone...if i am a true believer in the Resurrection, then my Hope is grounded in that glorious event, in Him....nothing more, nothing less! and truth is: be it genetics, innate personality, choices, prayer, grace, whatever....i am (thankfully) not all that prone to despair, even when looking the facts of life squarely in the face....

and i've been listening (repeatedly) to a Brené Brown interview (on OnBeing)....

(if i were a professional blogger, i'd give you the link to that...alas, i am not a professional!:)

her words have been working on my soul.....working out some places that needed working out....

here's what she has to say about Hope:

"Something the wholehearted share in common is a profound sense of hopefulness." ~ "Hope is a function of struggle. Hope is not an emotion but hope is a cognitive behavioral process that we learn 

when we experience adversity, 

when we have relationships that are trustworthy, 

when people have faith in our ability to get out of a jam." 

check, check, and check!!!

hearing this made me stand a little taller on the inside, pull my heart out of the doldrums, and (whether this is exactly what Brown intended or not, idk) look up to my Father....Who is trustworthy! Who promises to make a way when there seems to be no way....Who is the source of abundant life now and forever!!

He is always working.....always moving for good in our broken lives....so there is always a place for hope!

He's helped me maintain hopefulness in a couple of pretty tough years....by teaching me to open my hands more....letting go even more fully of being bound by expectations and pretentions...
i'm not sure how all i've gained and lost will be used....

but I Believe That True Hope Will Not Disappoint....

and i long to live that out honestly....and not misrepresent myself or my faith in the process:) 

There’s more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we’re hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we’re never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can’t round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! (Romans 5 :3-5, The Message)

still..."YES"!!

honestly, i haven't read her books or even thought of Ann Kiemel Anderson in years...
but this afternoon, when i read a friend's post on fb that she has gone to Heaven...my mind was flooded with memories of her writings and of listening to her on Christian radio in my college days...
Ann's words and her life impacted me a lot when i was so young....when i had no idea of all life would hold for me...truthfully, i was a lot more hopeful then and full of ideas....and her hopefulness rang true for me. It was an authentic hopefulness...based in her understanding of love and loss and grace through it all....
i can see that now, these "many" years later...
i' ve learned that her own story turned out differently then she would have hoped...
Yet her words still ring true to me....and my heart still says "Yes"...

excerpts from "YES", Ann Kiemel  1978:

when things i once thought were gain,
i now count as loss.
i have put aside all else, counting it worth
less than nothing, in order that
i can have Christ. . .
and become one with Him. . .

i don't mean to say i am perfect.  i haven't
learned all i should even yet,
but i keep working toward that day
when i will be all that Christ saved me for
and wants me to be.

no. . . i am still not all i should be
but i am bringing all my energies to bear
on this one thing:
forgetting the past
looking forward to what lies ahead,
i strain to reach the end of the race
and receive the prize. . . philippians 3:7, 12, 13

this is my spiritual autobiography.  i want to allow
myself to be vulnerable.  i want to be brave.  i want
to say to you, in specific, genuine illustrations:
i am human.
i fail.  struggle.  get scared.  have hurts.  am lonely.
but. . .
i am standing with my face to the sunrise.  my back
against the wind.  my head high.  my heart
sturdy and strong.  i am committed.  i am
truly whole.  Jesus Christ is the highest
Fulfillment and Joy in life.

i want this book to be, to the glory of Jesus Christ,
my "will and testament," my statement
of the power of Christ in one, everyday,
ordinary young life

YES
to tomorrow.
fresh dreams.
higher mountains.
greater impossibilities.
wider sunrises.
stouter courage.
braver risks.

YES
i'm human.
i fail. . . feel insecure. . .cry.
i hurt, struggle.
get scared.
know inadequacy.
i'm single.  a woman.
i long for a man.
i am tempted.

YES
sometimes, i forget Who has led me
to where i am.
forget that i am a servant and
not a hero.
forget that "if we lose our life, we will find it."
that those who seek will find.

YES
to the Cross.
to obedience. . .honesty. . .
reality. . .earnest heart.
to joy and sorrow.
ease and difficulty.
success and failure.
to forgiving.
to saying things that edify.

YES
because Jesus is the divine Yes.
because He changes everything.
He is my highest Fulfillment.
He's made me whole. . .
takes the bad and turns it to good.
He is my Song. . .
my Reason to live.

for to me, to live is Christ.

~ Daybook : February 17th ~

Outside my window...it is a sunny, lovely day....thankful for a break in the cold weather (i know ours doesn't compare to what's been happening Up North, but still...it's been cold!)

I am thinking...that this is a slacker sort of excuse for blogging...but while my mind and heart are full, I find myself not quite able to express myself appropriately....or maybe it's not appropriate to express the things on my mind and heart!:) in any case, i find it less necessary than i once did to share every last thought that enters my head...

I am thankful...for my friendships. They are real and sustaining.

In the kitchen...the latest new recipe i've made is the Pioneer Woman's Baked Ziti...so great! i've also been making banana-chocolatechip-ginger muffins lately...those go well with cold weather (or any type of weather, really!:)

I am wearing...sandals!! yay! (see above weather report!:)

I am creating (or trying to anyways)...more spaces of understanding....giving grace a chance to work in ways and places where it's needed. Giving space = trying not to rush the process....

I am going...around in circles. or it least it feels that way a lot of the time.
(the phrase "herding cats" comes to mind...)

I am contemplating...the mysteries of prayer. I feel like i don't understand much about these mysteries...i just know there are so many people and situations and needs and sorrows...the only thing i feel like i can really do about most of these things...is pray.

I am reading...less than i should be!
my reading goals are lofty for this year...but so far i've barely kept up with my Richard Rohr devotional...and instead of weighty books i've been reading LM Montgomery's Against the Odds. but i'm almost thinking that book might have been wisest choice for me for now...funny, sweet, calm.

I am hoping...
i will share a verse here...one of my favorites:
"To them God willed to make known what are the riches of the glory of this mystery among the Gentiles: which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." (Colossians 1:27)

I am enjoying...running. Crazy but true....i will never be a "good" runner, but i feel good doing it again! (and hoping for no injuries this time) (not sure if my exercising is having any results or not due to also very much enjoying eating...

I am learning....to be clear about what i am willing and able to do....
*important*

Around the house...there seems to be lots of clutter. I wish someone would come and clean up this place!

I am pondering..."being prepared for peace" when crisis comes....
our emotional and spiritual cupboards need to be as full as possible in times of ease...when troubles come we will be incapable to rise to the occasion if we are already without resources...
This has been on my mind a lot...

A favorite quote for today..."listen to me with your eyes"...

from this blog that was posted on fb. The post is specific....but the concept and the phrase are widereaching and TRUE, i think!! I have work to do here....(see if i were really blogging i'd do an entire post on this topic:) aren't you dying to hear me go 'on & on' on the value of truly seeing, listening, believing, caring, yada, yada, yada....)

One of my favorite things...drinking hot tea while i watch "Downton Abbey"...
(is that a thing? i don't know...but i sure like doing it!)

A few plans for the rest of the week...organize, phone calls, followups, make appointments, send out resumes...*sigh* (oh, and all the "normal keep life running smoothly" stuff)

A peek into my day...

i recouped this Monday and gathered my thoughts 

and enjoyed some really fine coffee & breakfast at a newish cafe...

starting this new year...

with beautiful words and images....

(from Donna Boucher of Quiet Life)

with lyrics that speak to me....

"When My Mornin' Comes Around" (by Iris Dement)

When my mornin' comes around, no one else will be there
so I won't have to worry about what I'm supposed to say
and I alone will know that I climbed that great big mountain
and that's all that will matter when my mornin' comes around

When my mornin' comes around, I will look back on this valley
at these sidewalks and alleys where I lingered for so long
and this place where I now live will burn to ash and cinder
like some ghost I won't remember
When my mornin' comes around

When my mornin' comes around, from a new cup I'll be drinking
and for once I won't be thinking that there's something wrong with me
and I'll wake up and find that my faults have been forgiven
and that's when I'll start living
When my mornin' comes around"

with good reading intentions...

and, actually, with a great many mixed emotions, jumbled identities, and tired realities....but i guess i will just (try to) focus on better things:)

Uncluttering Christmas...

is difficult!! but it's something i've managed to have a little success with this year.....
i knew i was just not able to pull out all the Christmas paraphernalia that i sometimes do (not that i'm ever the world's top decorator or anything!) I usually organize in the guest bedroom (now my Dad's "office")...so my organizing was hampered a bit. But mostly i was just too tired to do it...tired in a how much longer can things go on like this sort of way....
And i just needed this Christmas to be less about producing and more about being....

so: i gathered the mega-clearance items i found last year, found a box of red wooden musical ornaments that my Mom had used looong ago, bought a few new things (i was VERY determined NOT to spend a lot of $$ in this pursuit of "more simple"), and went with a whole new color scheme....i. didn't. even. have. to. unpack. the. Christmas decoration. boxes. Glory be!!
i saw places where i could have thrown some greenery or berries or tinsel or something...but i remembered
i would have to take that all back down and just said no!
and the truth is: this year's decorations may very well reflect my taste better than some other years have......
we have enjoyed our tree and our mantle so very much!....it's been very peaceful and cozy...

i also said "no" to the tons of cookies and too many presents...of course, i'm still doing some of both and loving it!! but i've learned that i don't need to overdo it in a need to perform sort of way....
o...and no to Christmas cards!!.....and to adding more activities to the already too long list of things i'm involved in....some of those activities could have and should have been coordinated (so that "no" made me kinda sad).....
but not if i had to do it....

that was the "easy" uncluttering: the uncluttering of my heart is the harder part....
and is still a work in progress...
i (amazingly) have made a few wise choices here, too: haven't expected more of myself than i should...have refused to give in to perfectionism....have stayed away from fb and internet things that if invested in might be just too much for my fragile heart to handle...have taken time to sit and be still with my Mom (a banged up ankle helped me achieve this pretty well:):)
i've focused on music and readings that grow me and help me....that calm me and focus me on the joy and hope of the Lord....
and i'm still working on giving up some cluttering things:
control....disappointments....resentments....unreasonable (or in any case unrealistic) expectations of others...judgmentalism (of myself and others)....pride.....anxiousness over things i cannot change....
like i said, a lot of work left to do...

i want an uncluttered heart...so that the needy places of my life and heart can be filled with the presence of the Christ-child....so that His Joy can truly "be my strength" in these weary days....so that i can clearly see myself and my world through His vision....
we went to a Christmas concert at a country church recently...and one of the singers told the story of his pastor who often turned the phrase "Jesus loves me this i know" around into "Jesus knows me this i love". That spoke to me. He came, He knows me better than any human person ever can or will...and He loves me anyway...Christ wants an altar in my heart (in all of our hearts) and i'm pretty sure that place needs to be uncluttered....

to anyone still reading my blog: "Merry Christmas" to you and those you care about....i know of so many people carrying heavy burdens this season....i pray that the presence of Jesus will be near to each of us in a new way these next few days...and this new year....

"Commit Yourself to Joy"

for my Advent readings this year, i am using two books : In the Manger (Max Lucado) and Daily Meditations readings from Richard Rohr (which moves through the church calendar)....these balance each other well! and i'm liking it! Last night's reading from Rohr hit me right where i needed it...
so i'm just going to share the whole thing:

"Commit Yourself to Joy"
"Zephaniah, addressing a slum of Northern Kingdom refugees in Jerusalem (Zeph. 3), and Paul, writing to the Philippians from his chains (Philippians 4), counsel an unprecedented joy to their listeners. They are calling us to wholeness and holiness.They have gone far beyond our existential states and happy feelings to an objective source, a bottomless well where joy is drawn and received in obedience. They know that joy is finally a decision. They are no longer preoccupied with creating a fault-free environment that will ensure their own happiness, but they know that joy is finally in entering into another, the Other, an objective Presence, love itself, the Lord. Joy is the Lord.

What freedom when we no longer have to wait upon ourselves to be in love! We are led beyond loving just ourselves, our own adequacy and our own personal responses. We are, instead, commanded to recognize joy ~ to trust it and believe it. We are daringly commanded to love God and thereby assured of an unfailing reservoir of true and profound joy in the Other.

Undoubtedly this is the "baptism of the Holy Spirit and fire" that John the Baptizer announces in the gospel. It is a baptism not created, like mere water baptism, but a baptism that can only be be waited for, longed for, believed in and therefore received. We see that the people listening to John "were filled with expectation" (Luke 3:15). They were predisposed and ready for joy to reveal itself. The seers and listeners, the contemplatives of every age, will be prepared to recognize joy and to recognize it's possibilities everywhere.

I have committed myself to joy. I have come to realize that those who make space for joy, those who prefer nothing to joy, those who desire the utter reality, will most assuredly have it.
We must not be afraid to announce it to refugees, slum dwellers, saddened prisoners, angry prophets. Now and then we must even announce it to ourselves. In this prison of now, in this cynical and sophisticated age, Christians must believe in joy."