2017 : Balance?!

This is me blogging. *Shock - Awe - Unbelief* Welcome, 2017. Goodbye and Happy to see you Gone, 2016!!

A couple of days ago, in preparation for a group we are beginning at the agency where I work, I read through some material we will be using. The last part of the "Intro"section (from Griefwork : Healing from Loss (Zamore and Leutenberg) is written to the facilitator and includes a section entitled:
Create balance in your life between...

• Giving and receiving
• Attention to family and self
• Involvement and detachment
• Feelings of power and powerlessness
• Others' needs and your own needs
• Time spent with people and time spent alone

These hit me like a ton of bricks.

Let it be said that i said ouch to every one of these!!!!

I am doing terribly badly on every one of these scales!!!

and it Does feel as if I have no power over any if it....And to be clear, it's not just a "feeling": in several areas of my life I am reaping the consequences of other people's choices...I am trying to address the messes made by others. Believe me, I have enough trouble handling my own messes, so I'm obviously doing pretty miserably handling those made by others. *smile* but let me move on!

these are all fine things to consider, but the scale that stands out the most to me is "Involvement and Detachment." I've not heard this particular turn of phrase before.....but it nails an issue I've been thinking about a lot. We (are at least I) hear much about boundaries....boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I'm all for them! I need more of them!! BUT...sometimes I'm afraid we use our "need" for boundaries as an excuse to just not do anything....to ignore needs...to shirk responsibilities....to give ourselves a free pass from doing what needs to be done....to turn aside from what are sometimes actually easy tasks that we're capable of doing...but are sometimes really, really hard painful jobs that call us to step forward in grace into the dark hurts and messy mayhem of life's lowest moments. In other words...we become detached.

But not just detached, we become guarded....more protective of our safety (and sometimes our image) than open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I think there's a cost to being detached : the loss of the growing up of our souls. 

without a doubt, there's also cost to over involvement. I feel it very strongly in my spirit and in my weariness. I am trying and I am intending to say No!! better. I have to....for my own sanity and the peace of my household. Especially more No to the things I can't have much of an effect on anyways.

But not at the cost of remaining tender to the needs of people and the way that God sees them.

I'm not exactly sure how to make this happen in my heart....or, practically, how to work this out in the everyday muck of my life. Certainly today's ramblings do not solve anything.

I think the answers lie somewhere in listening more, resting more in the care of the Lord rather than being driven to "prove"anything. Truth is, there's nothing I feel the need to prove much anymore. But I do want my Love to prove strong....steady....focused on what will ultimately matter in the end.

2016 : I Corinthians 13

I guess the end of June is as good a time as any to make a 1st post for 2016!! Time is moving so quickly (while still agonizingly slowly!)...there just doesn't seem to be time (or need) for blogging. There's a few blogs i still follow...but most of you i see on fb. If anyone sees this it will be via fb!:)

I'm having a slower morning than usual - and that is a blessing. Last night, i spent some time reading I Corinthians 13 : and truly was blown away (again) by the beauty and clarity of these words. The world seems very saturated with ugliness these days - unsettled, reactive, without foundations. My world is often unsettled these days : not my heart - but circumstances in my world over which i have no directive ability. Some things I'm coping with are breaking my heart....other things have made me so blasted angry that it's not healthy! I'm learning (again) how to live in a way that focuses on priorities...so that i can maintain peace in my emotions and with my God.     

I'm startled by the high level of misconduct and confusion in high places and in low places: and how blatantly bad behaviors are not just tolerated but are sometimes exalted. <<<< this is why i needed to read I Corinthians again. This is how I am called to behave, to react, to love....no matter what anyone else, anywhere else does. I'm challenged : I'm calmed : I'm encouraged....that the Holy Spirit promises to make this sort of heart possible in even the lowliest person who surrenders to the Lord. I want these words to continue to guide and change me, whatever else happens around us. (I'm including 2 versions cause i love them both so much!)

I Corinthians 13 (NKJV):

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned,[a]but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I Corinthians 13 (the Message):

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

When I was an infant at my mother’s breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.

almost a 2015 Christmas letter...

it's been 5 months since i've touched this blog....and i thought i might update it before we enter a new year!

so very much has happened...and while there's certainly no way to capture it all in a few sentences, since it's Christmas Day i'm going to try and quickly jot down a few thoughts!

i'm writing on a dreary, HOT Louisiana Christmas day....not such a seasonal feeling!

but there's cornbread dressing in the oven, the Carpenters singing in my living room, 2 Christmas Masses behind me....and I'm basking in the quiet and calm of my home....It is definitely Christmas in my heart.

my rather forlorn last post spoke to my being on another job search. Let me just say that 2 job search processes (resumes, interviews, etc. etc.) and 2 job beginnings (after not "working" professionally for about 15 years!!) in the span of one year is enough to drive even the most stable person completely over the edge. ha <<<< kind of.

I find myself still standing at the end of it all....and employed again as a "Bereavement Coordinator" with a Hospice Agency (my 1st day was Aug. 20th). I am truly grateful for this opportunity which is a good, good fit in so many ways...I do believe God opened this door for me (and I do believe flat out quitting the other job after 8 months one of the very best decisions I have ever made!). I appreciate my family and friends who've been patient with my nuttiness in these tumultuous times....

i have lots of big thoughts/observations about trying to balance work ~ life....how that affects women....how our confidence ebbs and flows....how career personas and expectations practically flesh out in a very real, very needy world....but those are mostly scattered. Mostly, I want to be real and make a difference in whatever work I am given....

My dear parents are doing well after what has been a whirlwind month and a half. I will not go into all the details here of my Mom's recent health scare on top of her already fragile health issues (ask me or look on fb:).....but we can not express how very thankful we are that she is with is and doing well this Christmas. We were prepared for some difficult possible outcomes....that did not happen! We thank God for His goodness and we thank so many individuals for praying for us. My Dad continues to do contract banking work from home....his love and gracious care of us is a precious gift every day of the year.

Strongly on my mind during this uncertainty has been the importance of living well....with no regrets. There was no "unfinished business" that my Mom (or we) needed to address. I want to live in love....always.

so that's a terribly fast wrap up....imperfect, messy, but enough:)

Merry Christmas to you and yours!!

the Chaplain at our agency reads from a prayer book at our meetings: i loved the one he offered for Christmas (by Jessie Jai McNeil). It's long...but i'm going to share it all:

"O gracious heavenly Father: We thank Thee that through they tender mercy the dayspring from on high hath visited us to give light to them that sit in darkness and in the the shadow of death and to guide our feet into the way of peace. Grant that we, and all the ends of the earth, may this day look to Thee for our salvation; for Thou alone art the ruler of the world and the source of all things that endure. Help us this day to commit ourselves to Thee and to seek those things that are above, As we face the cares and the temptations that fill each day, grant to us the moral courage and strength to abide the day of distress and to resist evil. May we not be ashamed or afraid to take our stand with righteousness, justice, and truth. Help us, through dedicated and courageous personal living, to testify to the advent of Thy Son into the world, and into our hearts, that His life may be the light of all who would seek His face. Use us, O God, for the achievement of peace and understanding in our world. Use us, by helping us to be victorious in the little things that fret and tempt us. Let no job seem too small for us to do well; no decision too unimportant in which to seek Thy guidance; no human being too insignificant to be treated as a person. Use us, our heavenly Father, to Thy honor and Thy glory; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

~ Daybook : July 26 ~

Outside my window....it is a very hot, hazy day....it's been almost too hot to bear this summer. We enjoy Sundays.....just staying inside, staying calm is good for the soul.

I am thinking...that blogging again is a little tricky. It's been awhile. That's why daybooking is a good exercise...forces me not to overthink and to at least keep a little order of all that's happening....life moves so quickly and changes pretty quickly, too. (i take a lot of liberties with changing up the daybook structure however i want to!)

I am drinking...Coffee (of course!). An important Sunday afternoon ritual:)

I am listening...to a cd of the group "Maunalua". We heard them in Hawaii (long ago...in what seems like another life) (lucky!) and ordered a cd. I want to go back to Hawaii!! We love this music.

I am missing... a paycheck:) After 8 months at an agency working with developmental disabilities individual/family funding, I recently resigned and have been home 1 week. I am looking hard for another job but also enjoying this reprieve from what has been a very stressful time. Enough said.
I really enjoyed working 'outside the home' (as the saying goes) once again! and think i did a pretty good job in some aspects (certainly learned a lot!). But i am hoping to find something closer to my heart for counseling...2 interviews coming up this week. I've chosen to not pursue some opportunities....I really need something that works well with our life situation....which is not easy. I am very at peace with my resignation....but i do miss that paycheck!! 

In the kitchen...i'm trying to get back on track. Things have been a little frazzled in this department.

I am needing....rest: physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.

I am reading...the 7th book in the Mitford series, In This Mountain. For some crazy reason, i thought this series ended at book 5...then the recently written book. I was pretty thrilled to learn there are several more for me to read....so, so good! I have set some high reading goals for this "down" time....so far i'm doing quite badly on reaching those goals! I have 2 new books aching to be read: Learning to Walk in the Dark (Barbara Brown Taylor) and Called to Question (Joan Chittister). They're sitting here looking at me and i wish i felt more guilty for ignoring them!!

Around the house...ditto to the "in the kitchen" section!!;)

I am thankful....for my dear parents. My Dad is out on an errand of mercy this afternoon...he's carrying a lot, too much in our situation...and manages to do so with so much grace....and my Mom who prays hard for me and believes hard in me....

I am thankful...for friends who pray for me and support me...and help me "keep the faith" when on my own, i might not.

a quote that's speaking to me:
"In the depths of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." (Albert Camus)

A peek into my life: 

a rainy afternoon on the porch of one of my favorite coffee places....

light a candle

this weekend, i've kept a candle going much of the time...i'm not quite sure what all that's meaning for me; remembrance, honor, prayerfulness......noticing (intentionally) that we've reached another milestone:
15 years into this journey of longterm illness/caregiving.
Mom says they have been long years....and she's correct. It hardly seems possible that this length of time has passed since Mom's stroke....but the reality of it all looks me in the mirror every day!
and it feels totally possible!
for me, the passage of time is hard to keep balanced in my mind....Life sometimes seems to move at lightening speed....my friends' babies are almost adults....and it seems like things move and change so quickly that i can mainly keep track of time by what i've posted on facebook:)

But we are often still. and, if anything, time is moving more slowly than ever.
Stillness isn't a bad thing....(i appreciate it in ways i likely never would have) but it is countercultural!
it seems like the natural and even worthwhile goal is to always be moving forward...onto the next exciting, "productive" pursuit...busy, busy in the work of living.
But the work of living for us has been slowed. and the daily work itself sometimes feels overwhelming and consuming. and there is little left over energy.
Simply Living is the work....and i do believe with all my heart that it's valuable work...."true, noble, and just". Being fully engaged in this "work" has enabled me to look life fully in the eyes.....to see both the lovely and the hard places....hopefully through eyes of grace.

At some points, i think i've polished up our story a bit....ended on a high note of "overcoming" and the like. I think overcoming is good...and i'm glad we're doing it!:) But i guess i've lost my penchant for polish. i have no sparkling stories today. We are weary and quiet and we live one day at a time in many ways.....goodness knows we cannot predict the future!! But it is true: every. single. day. of these 15 years I have seen my parents choose to overcome circumstances that would have felled most anyone else....through authentic Love lived out. every. single. day. So much more could be said, but it is true and needs to be said that they are amazing!! It is no small thing to weather so much loss and still shine with beauty and wisdom.

Life these days is small. It has to be as our limited reserves are stretched. Our going and doing is more tricky and so we're going and doing less. Hard choices have to be made a lot in the interest of sanity and selfcare (oh how i've learned to say no!!). But even with the "smallness", the truth of our story is that we live with peace and joy and blessings. (~ i should say "mostly" to account for the times (like yesterday afternoon with a sudden scary nosebleed and torrential rain!!) when i completely lose my head and the stress level is mighty high!!! ~ ) Still............if my ill fated adventures in "going back to work" have profited me anything, they have helped me be even more grateful for the sweet love and support my parents and i share. So, so many people do not share such blessings.

This anniversary usually falls somewhere in the Easter season. I'm thankful for that. Thankful to be reminded that whatever else may be the case about circumstances here...ultimately, Life Wins!! Today on the Church Calendar it's Sunday of Divine Mercy....and that seems so fitting. Today's Psalm is also very fitting, and brings comfort to my heart: Psalm 118: "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever. Let Israel now say, 'His mercy endures forever.' Let the house of Aaron now say, 'His mercy endures forever.' Let those who fear the Lord now say, 'His mercy endures forever.' I called on the Lord in distress; The Lord answered me and set me in a broad place. The Lord is on my side; I will not fear."

~ Easter Sunday, 2015 ~ 

So i'll keep lighting candles, i guess. The reality is that we are all broken and need God's light to give us any comprehension of how much we need Him. That's not a cliche for me...it's my truth. I need His light in every corner of my heart....I need His strength in every task, every new chapter of living. So i'll keep relying on Him  for new grace. Keep learning and living authentically as best i know how. Keep Remembering. Keep on loving. Keep believing that Love Never Fails.

2015 ~ Hope

(my beautiful gift from a sweet friend....love it!)

Just a few words at the end of what has been a (fairly) restful long vacation day weekend (very needed). Almost the end of January is surely not too late to choose a word for the year?...technically, i chose it awhile back...just have never gotten around to blogging about it. It feels like blogging has taken a back seat for most of my old blogging compadres:)....and it's certainly been tougher for me to get my thoughts down lately. Life is busy....and has felt exhausting. It has been good to finally have a chance to catch my breath...to recover a little from what have been some topsy-turvy days. The past several months have held some huge transitions...and the jury is still out on how well i'm adjusting. I know i'm learning things about myself, my priorities, my weaknesses & strengths.....my needs. (and my willingness (practically & emotionally) to take risks....but that's a different blog!:) I do have some hopes, for this year and beyond....but i find i'm more in need of hope. i'm hanging on to hope.....
"Now Hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."(Romans 5:5)

~ Sunday afternoon daybook : November 30th ~

Outside my window....it is hot again....we've had some very cold weather: coats, scarfs, the whole deal....but today is hot again and i'm not liking it.

I am thinking...that i am barely getting in under the wire on blogging this month...tomorrow will be December....unbelievable!! hardly anyone blogs anymore...(well, besides the famous bloggers) but a few of us soldier on:)

I am drinking...coffee. "i could not go on without it i know" to paraphrase a gospel song. seriously, i would not be functional without it. Early mornings are a killer for me...and Coffee is a saving grace! 

In the kitchen...i am learning how to make bigger quantities...big pots of soup that last for several days; my buying time is limited, so i am having to be a crazy planner...or no one in this house would eat. *sigh*

I am listening...to the Saints game! can't say i'm enjoying that all so much...sometimes i'm "into" such things....lately, not really. the noise of the game annoys me...

I am needing....to say no more. i've overcommited to things for Christmas...and somehow i guess i will survive this season, but in the future i must decrease obligations in order to stay sane...(this idea is not titled "learning" since i never seem to learn this lesson! or, rather, i seem to have to keep learning it!!)

I am reading...the Mitford series...i've never read through all of it and i am thankful to have these beautiful books to read now in this very stressful season of life. It is so well written...so, so sweet...calming...better than therapy!:) i want to marry Father Tim:)

I am looking forward to... my trip to Haiti!! (January 10-19) so very grateful that my $$ is basically complete...thankful for all of the folks who have given...

I am missing... friends of the heart who seem too far away...it is true that as adults we have to buck up and accept changes of reality and in relationships....but that is easier said than done.

Around the house...things are messy. My Mom says this is not true and i need to stop telling people things are a mess....i appreciate her sweet support...but i know the truth! i should be working right now to make it more tidy...

I am thankful....to not be as anxious about the upcoming holidays as i sometimes am...And that my parents seem to be doing ok with my working...

I am pondering: "identity"...how fluid and how defining it is in our lives...

a quote that's speaking to me: "Anticipate difficulties; bank on grace" (Bob Goff) so many of his words speak to me, but today these are the ones...
oh, do i ever anticipate problems!!...in reality, this self preserving mindset makes good sense in my life (although overdoing that tendency is easy) and (thankfully) i DO bank on grace...how aware i am of how useless i am without it! but how much more of His grace i need...

A few plans for the rest of the week: keep my head afloat at work...go to bed earlier...final practices for next Sunday's choral concert (we're singing "the Messiah"...i have esp. needed those words this year)...finish up a little more decorating and getting the house ready for Christmas guests...

A peek into my life: 

somehow, someway the decorating always seems to get done...and we so enjoy it, even with all the imperfections. my prayer is that this Advent and Christmas season will not be just one more happening that rushes by in a blur....that even in this time of transition and weariness, my eyes will be open to His presence...